A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

[Aquarius123]

Jane And James

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying: ‘Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, Jane stood up. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Jane?’ ‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all on your own!’

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. James, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, ‘James, what is the matter?’ He replied: ‘I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.’

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

[Wastingecho]

a burger and fries walk into a bar - bartender says sorry, we don't serve food here

[Aquarius123]

A man is sitting on the ice and fishing when suddenly he hears a loud booming voice saying: ‘There is no fish under the ice!’ Scared almost out of his wits, the man sits still for a moment, but then ventures to call: ‘Is that you, God?’ Back comes the reply: ‘No, you chump! I’m the ice rink manager.’

[Aquarius123]

Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a cat.
How long has this been going on?
Oh, since I was a kitten!

[Wastingecho]

$5 bill walks into a bar - bartender says sorry, we only serve singles

[Aquarius123]

Fruitcake Recipe
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large eggs
3 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of baking soda
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favourite whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take out a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still ok.

Cry another cup.
Turn off the mixer.
Break 2 geggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the burner.
If the fried fruit gets stuck in the beaters, pry it loose with a screwdriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for toxicity.
Next sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add 1 tablespoon of sugar or something, whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.
Turn on the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

[ThornThatFightsRose]

hahahahahaha :bleh: loves it!

[Wastingecho]

• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
• We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• The earthquake in Washington obviously was the Government's fault.
• Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

[Aquarius123]

The Secret Of A Happy Marriage

A married couple had been together for more than sixty years. They shared all they had and talked about everything, they kept no secrets, except one. The woman had a shoe box which she had always cautioned her husband not to open or ask about.

For all these years he had not thought about the box, but one day the woman became very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the man took down the box and brought it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed that it was time for him to know what was in the box. When he opened it he found: two crocheted dolls and a stack of money that totalled twenty thousand pounds. When he asked his wife about these contents, she replied: ‘When we were to be married, my grandmother told me that the secret of a happy marriage was never to argue. She said that if I ever got angry with you, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.’ The man was so moved that he had to fight back his tears.

There were only two dolls in the box. Fancy that! She had been angry with him just twice in all the years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness! ‘Darling’, he said: ‘that explains the dolls but what about the money?’ ‘Oh,’ she replied: ‘that’s what I made from selling all the other dolls!’

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

[Aquarius123]

Rewards

A preacher has just passed on. He is standing in line waiting to be judged and hopes to be admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. ‘I was a taxi driver in New York City,’ the man replies.

An Angel stands at the gate and calls out: ‘Next’. The taxi driver steps forward and the Angel hands him a golden staff and a basket of fruit, cheese and wine, then lets him pass through the gates. Pleased with himself, the taxi driver proceeds.

When the Angel shouts: ‘Next!’, the preacher steps forward. The Angel hands him a wooden staff, bread and water. Very concerned, because he believes a mistake has been made, he turns to the Angel: ‘That man is a taxi driver. He gets those good things, when I, who spent most of my life doing God’s work on the Earth get this stuff! How can that be?’

‘Ah!’ says the Angel, ‘up here we judge by results. All your flock ever did during your sermons was sleep. In his taxi, people prayed!’

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius