Man, where has the time gone. It's September already. I am almost 2 years into my 3 year stint on Social Security. My review date is slated for the later end of December 2013.
I am still paying child support to the mother of my 13 year old son. That was supposed to have ended 2 years ago. But my lawyer says that it should only take a few more months. I'm not holding my breath.
I am mostly awake because I haven't taken my meds yet. Just wanted to start the Cafe this morning. I miss everyone when I am asleep. There are so many of my friends on the east coast and the UK that have their own lives and their own problems, and I miss them all. I feel like I am a part of something bigger when I talk to my friends on here.
I wish things were different. That time could rewind itself whenever we had a major event happen, however bad it could have been. Like me with my son's passing; with the night I had the hallucination that ended my marriages; the choice to get anyone pregnant. These are all the decisions that I had to make that had dire consequences up until me typing what I am doing this evening/morning.
Should have, would have, could have. That's all life seems to hand up. Regrets are what drives us, drives us a a society. Broken on the backs of those that came before. It will always be regrets that drives the majority of people, especially for people that think about suicide.
It's the damnedest thing you know. Those regrets can be turned into positive things in the long run. For me though, it's just more of the same pain. Lives irrevocably changed before they were even born. I should never have been a father. It should have remained that way. My parents told me to get a vascectomy when I was young after the birth of my first son, Michael. I should have listened, because I would have spared two other women the hardship of raising my children alone.
Regrets... that's all we seem to have nowadays. Regrets are what make the world go 'round. Without them, where would we be? Utopia? I'm not sure...
All I know, is that regrets make life whole more dynamic. What do I regret? I, myself, is who/what I regret.