New here, hello.
To begin with I have been sad and have struggled with anxiety and depression as long as I can remember.
About three years ago my best friend raped me and needing a safe place to be I moved to rural Colorado to take care of my Grandmother. She's a very conservative and lonely bitter woman and we didn't see eye to eye on many things which was challenging and I found myself sinking into a very lonely dark place the three months I was there. I planned to kill myself and was simply waiting to aquire the neccessary components to do so. Her son, my uncle, came to visit and accused me of taking advantage of her and attempted to have me forcefully admitted to a hospital. I was brought in to be evaluated in a violent and militant fashion and calmly explained the situation to the doctor who called him out on being extremely problamatic and disrespectful in his approach. Upon returning to my grandmother's he proceeded to yell at me and tell me how things were going to be and I got out of the car to get the bag I packed the night before in fear but he blocked my way and told me to leave without it. I walked out with the clothes on my back and hitch hiked through a snow storm until nightfall. I was operating on pure adrenaline for about a week, entirely numb to everything happening. I stayed at a shelter and got a bus back to my hometown when the storm let up and stayed with friends for six months, cleaning house as work trade for a bed on the couch and slowly pulled myself together, relatively speaking.
This past year has been one of huge personal growth. I have sought knowledge and I have changed my relationships with people and I feel like I can respect myself for the first time in a long time. I am very proud of myself but these changes haven't made me any happier and haven't made anything any easier.
Growing up I experienced family relationships as being extremely manipulative and cold. It was my undrstanding that all interactions were a play of power where you needed to maintain the upperhand. I was manipulative and cruel to my social group in high school. I always felt very very alone and by the age of sixteen decided that I needed to break this cycle and learn how to care about people, learn to let people get close to me. This has been a very very very difficult and unrewarding process. The people I have made a connection with have hurt and used me in so many different ways.
There is so much I have in my head right now.
I have been so sad for as long as I can remember and I thought that if I could learn to care about people it would bring some meaning, some relief. But it only brings more pain.
I am 23 years old and I am so very tired and feel that I have experienced too much pain for one lifetime already.
The concept of authority has never sat well with me, I have little respect for arbitrarily assigned power as seen in most established systems in this society and this conflicts greatly with locating a therapist that can understand my experiences let alone offer any kind of relevant insight or support. I struggle to identify with any system of belief but find myself drawn most to primitive-anarchy with a heaping dose of nihilism.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I am staying in my parent's spare room but they are going through their own marriage struggles right now and I just can't get out of bed anymore. We both feel burdensome to each other and I have no where else to go.
When I am employed I find myself crying to and from work and on my breaks when I do make it to my shifts and I am constantly struggling against the desire to kill myself.
I do medical studies to make money but I have to be very careful because I am not supposed to have the anxiety and depression issues I have and I have to lie to get in and keep them from making it on my medical records.
I recently made several thousand dollars and planned to travel and find a place to live because the relationship I was in was going poorly but last minute my boyfriend decided to join me. We spent the money together and I felt we were growing closer and our relationship was developing but two months later he revealed he had come along because he felt like his attraction to me was waning and he was trying to figure that out. He went home early to take care of school registration and got in legal trouble which he used the rest of my money to get out of. When I got enough money together to get back here he broke up with me. He said he will repay me $500 this week and $100 a month until the approximately $1200 I clearly and officially loaned him is repayed.
But I had four thousand dollars to move with before the trip.
The trip on which he decided he wasn't attracted to me.
And now I have nowhere to go and he gets to settle back into his nice cozy life.
None of my friends are in a place where they can support me and I am incapable of maintaining a job and my sanity especially when it is already so compramised.
I don't know what to do.
I've been trying to sleep all day drinking nyquil or taking anxiety medications.
I'm not trying to kill myself and I don't exceed dosing reccomendations I just want a break from the pain.
I need someone to tell me what to do.