It looks like this will finally be a thread I'll make that will make everyone here hate me.
I already pissed off someone today via a private message talking about this. I told that person that I feel my depression is on a different level than everyone else, that its just worse than everyone else's, how my circumstances are unique and that the advice they gave to me in which they were genuinely trying to help would just not work for me. That ended up really upsetting that person and I got met with a nasty PM in response. I was not trying to be hostile at all, but it sounds like I probably did inadvertently or the other person also may have acted hostile in response because of their mood at the time.
I feel that because my depression is worse than anyone elses', that they can all be cured eventually and have a happy ending and I cannot. I think that only I must commit suicide and everyone else can be cured eventually. I realize this makes me sound very arrogant and stuck-up and I don't mean to be. I know that everyone's suffering is their own, no matter what level of it. For instance, I feel that other people's depression here may be caused by common things such as abuse, rape, neglect, abandonment, loss of loved ones, etc. Now, these are very tramautic things, and I feel for them, but I feel at least many have gone through these things relatively and can comfort and heal each other with their own shared knowledge and experiences. But what do you do when your depression and suicidal thoughts are caused by something that very few people in comparison have gone through, so you have this "rare" case where conventional advice and help probably won't work for you?
I know that lets say a teenager may want to kill themselves over a relationship break-up and an older adult will say "Oh boo-hoo, grow up and get over it, my circumstances are far worse than yours. Try going through a bitter divorce after many years of marriage and then come talk to me", or something to that effect. Yet, this is exactly how I feel in response to many others who are depressed and suicidal. Like someone will be depressed and suicidal but at least they still have friends and/or a significant other to support them and I do not, so I feel even worse off than them but I can't feel empathy because they are still in a better place than me. They have some positive things still left in their life to help balance out against the pain. I feel on the absolute bottom of the totem pole.
I recently read about this one girl who I am extremely envious of. She travels around the world to exotic locations, has many friends, had a BF, very smart and brave and adventerous. She just seems so full of life and zeal, every day she lives her life to the absolute fullest. But then I read a snippet of her blog and she wrote of her inner anguish and pain over losing a friend to suicide, how she wound up cutting herself, etc. But I couldn't feel much empathy for her because at least she had all those positive things that I feel would help to "cushion" out her pain and yet I have none of that. I couldn't understand her pain at all. Inside I felt "Oh boo hoo, whaa, whaa". I was trivializing her pain and I feel bad for that because its happened to me several times. Pain is pain, no matter what the level.
In the end, we can only truly feel our thoughts and feelings the best. So we think our depression is the worst because we can only truly feel our pain and can only feel the pain of others partially.
I feel so dirty and guilty at writing this, but I just wanted to let this out. Please forgive me, I don't mean to upset anyone.
Depression has already taken away so much from my life like any hopes, dreams, ambitions, etc.
I don't want it to turn me into a bitter monster as well.
Depression was supposed to make me feel more empathy for those also suffering the same, to open my eyes to their plight, but it seems now its having the opposite effect. I think my depression is advancing further and it wants me to cut off ties from everyone either through just avoiding them or making them hate me, so that when I commit suicide, nobody will miss me when I'm gone.