Title says it all...but it's so much more complicated than that. He was killed (murdered) 6 years ago, and every date like this hurts me to the core. Like it's just happened all over again and I find it so hard to cope. To a lot of people he was their close friends, he seemed to know everyone and it seems even recently, I keep meeting people who knew him - but I still feel so lost.
It sounds ridiculous, buy my Twitter is full of his name today, with all mutual friends - but it hurts to see them because I just can't find the right words to say what they all can. I mean, it's been 6 fucking years...time to get over it, right? But I can't. I want to call him up at 4AM like I always did just to wish him Happy Birthday. I want to tell him how good I've been, and what's been so fucking horrible in my life since he's been gone. I want to tell him all the things I should have and thought I'd always have time to tell him. I want to tell him how much I miss him and how much I need him, just for a little while to get me through this rough patch I've been going through for the last 18 months. I want to ask him if my nephew's okay...I want to ask him if my kids miss me...there's just so much.
I know it's just the date, and people are always saying today isn't supposed to be sad...it's his birthday. But it's not happy if he's not *here* to me. It only serves as a reminder that I can't call him, I can't hear his voice or hear his laughter or see his smile. I can't give him a birthday gift or even sing the stupid song. It hurts. And I feel like such a damn pathetic fool because it's 6 years, this shouldn't happen now. I shouldn't get this bad any more. Even his best best best friend is going about life as if it never happened now. How the fuck am I still here moaning about it? I feel like a damn idiot.
But it doesn't change the fact that I just miss him so much. That I just want to hug him and hear that everything is going to be all right. I wish I had the strength to get on a plane and visit his grave and have that closure..that goodbye...but I'm too scared it'll make it all real again. Like I'm saying goodbye for the first time. My thoughts are racing so none of this is probably even remotely coherent...but I can't help it. I'm just so fucking confused and hurt and I want to cry. I mean *really* cry, but it's impossible...and that makes me feel even worse to be so miserable because I can't even get it all out and make me feel better.