But Hi anyway.
I've tried initiating positive changes in me for years and nothing has worked. I've told myself that I'm just lazy that I can change whenever I want to, but it's long past the point where I realize that either I'm too lazy to deserve to be saved or there's a legitimate problem that I am unable to conquer on my own. Parts of me seem to be getting better, only slowly though. I've still a lack of energy, lack of motivation. I used to love to draw, used to have more memory and more creativity too but now I just feel dumb and slow.
I don't really know if I enjoy my art any more. Nothing I do seems good enough, I cry at the drop of a hat, I am stupidly sensitive and afraid of all human contact. I feel secretly judged for failing so many things in life and I feel like nothing will improve or get better. I've had several moments where I felt like suicide would be the only answer, but I couldn't do that to my parents and a part of me is too afraid to end my life too.
I avoid everything in my life because i'm afraid and I just feel like I'm falling into this hole of my own making and that I don't belong here because I don't deserve to be helped like everyone else. Because I feel like I'm just a terrible person who has made all the wrong choices and deserve the results. Because maybe it's not that I have a true problem but that I'm just...incapable of changing.
This was super ranty and heavy for a intro post. I'm really sorry, but I feel like I'm too old to be struggling with this...and that if things don't change soon...there might not be any real point in trying to change. I feel like I'll be alone soon. I feel like everyone will leave me because they'll realize just how pathetic I am. How helpless and hopeless and useless and pointless.