Today I'm a freshmen in college and I've been living with depression since freshmen year of high school. During senior year I was at my breaking point, I had been rushed to the ER due to self inflicted injuries and I knew deep down that soon enough I would end everything. Then I met her. She will be known as "Red Head" for this thread. She was the first thing besides drugs and self harm that made me forget about the pain. I can't describe how much I loved her, I didn't know my heart was even capable of it. She told me she loved me one night and for once I thought I was heading down a new road. She didn't make the darkness inside of me vanish but when I was with her I didn't even notice it. A week or so later she got into a relationship with a different kid. She said I was too angry at the world and unstable. That he was safe and normal. I guess I didn't know that when it came to love you're suppose to pick someone who won't make you happy rather than someone who wants nothing more than to spend each day trying to make you smile. I still talked to her in the months afterwards and at one point she came to me with a problem. She had gotten into a fight with her boyfriend, gotten drunk and later kissed another guy. She wanted to know what to do. Did I laugh at her and say, "You got what's coming to you."? No. Because I love her, I wanted her to be happy more than anything and for some reason that meant being with the prick of a boy friend she had. I told her she needed to tell her boyfriend what she did and accept what comes from it. It, in return, saved their relationship. I know every night that I could have ruined their relationship time and time again. If I really wanted to I could have stolen her back but I didn't want that. A few weeks ago we started talking again and it instantly brought back those loving emotions. She had broken up with her boyfriend and after a while I asked her if she still had any of the feelings she had for me a year ago. She said that she did. It felt like karma was finally paying me back for trying to show her what she meant to me. Tonight we were suppose to hang out. She said she would pick me up tonight and at 5 pm I texted her asking what time she was going to show up. No reply. At 7 pm I texted her again asking if she was going to make it. No reply. At 9pm I finally called her only to be greeted by a male voice. I claimed I had the wrong number and hung up, I didn't. After texting her phone once or twice more he started replying and said she was asleep but that he would tell her I called. (I knew he wouldn't, he fed me the same crap a year ago.) I asked who I was speaking to. He replied, "Her boyfriend." I said, "oh. I didn't know she had one." He said, "She does." I then asked, "Can I know the lucky fellow's name?" He told me and it's the same guy she had told me she had broken up with. I have no room in her life it seems and her life is all I care about. She is obviously happy with what she has so I no longer serve a purpose. My point here is done, I'm ready to die.
Reply With Quote
