I am 23 years old. Married and have three amazing boys all under 6. You think that would make me happy and want to keep living but at this point it doesn't. I feel so guilty about having suicidal thoughts especially being a mom. I feel like my life is just full of bad luck and bad things happening to me. I can't look on the bright side of anything anymore, I really just want it all to end. My parents seperated when I was 4 and we had a party because he was hurting us all. Then my depression started when I was probably 7 years old when my father starting to harm me..I won't say anymore then that.
Then the teasing in school started and went all through high school. At 12 I started to self harm myself but then I stopped right before I got pregnant at 16, I thought my life was getting better even though it wasn't planned. It did for a bit, then my family and I were told my mom lost her job and we had to move, this was only 3 months after my grandfather died so we were all having breakdowns but my mom had a bad one. Fast forward a year later I moved in with my boyfriend, who is now my husband, but only 7 months later we had to move again. Since then we have moved in 5 more times and have finally found the perfect rental house. My depression keeps getting worse. I was a nanny for my friends sister in the summer, then one day I get a private message on facebook saying as of tomorrow they no longer need me because they put their kids in daycare..no warning nothing. So the stress of no job and no money came, but within a week I found a better job and it was double the pay! But as of last Friday I lost that job because they double hired by mistake. So now I am jobless again. I feel like all I add is stress to my family's life. I am nothing but a disappointment, a failure. I feel like I am a bad mother thinking this way. But really I am so close to being done it scares me. I started to self harm again this weekend but only on my thighs so my kids and husband won't see.
My husband called the hospital for me to find out where to get me help and they sent him to a crisis centre. So he called and gave all my info but now it is upto me to call and tell them how I am feeling but it's been 2 days and I still can't. I am to scared, I don't want to feel judged but no matter what I do or where I go I constantly feel like I am being judged. I want this feeling to all go away but I am seriously contemplating going to the hospital and telling them how I feel so I can finally get the help I need