An open letter of apology
Over quite a long period of time now, my behaviour, has been far from exemplary.
As I sit now, alone, looking at the mess around me that I have created, most of it evidence of self abuse, self obsession, or self indulgence, the metaphor is not lost on me.
I have done and said things that are quite possibly unforgivable, I have rejected kindness and friendship, even when it was not deserved, I have sought to judge others by the standard in which they are treating me, without consideration of how I am treating them.
I am ill, and I know this, I have sought help and it has been hard, I've had to fight, more than I should, because my illness is not easily recognisable. But I am not the exception, I am not special and I do not deserve more than you.
My illness has become so engrained in my personality, that it is a part of who I am, a part that perhaps sometimes I defend, Whilst with one hand I ask for help, to fight, with the other I become scared of loosing myself, my definition and I fight away those who offer support.
While in hospital I was in so much pain, it felt as if my very soul was on fire, I looked around for someone to hold my hand, and no one was there, I'm starting to realise this is of my own doing, I push you away and expect you to push back, why should I expect such a thing, I have no right.
I have blamed a great many things for where I am today, and in many cases, possibly rightly so, but our character is not defined by what happens to us, but more so how we deal with it when it does. I am not the first person to be abused, and in fact have done my share of abusing, the fact that I might help to perpetuate such an awful thing in others, is so cruel and sinister, that I stand in amazement in the knowledge that I have done so.
Ultimately we are all wholly responsible for our own actions, the crutch of a disability, a drug, an illness, helps us ease out concious but does nothing to change the consequences of our albeit flawed and albeit impaired decisions. At any time I could have sought help before making my decision, the lack of help available, again a direct result of my previous behaviour. Instead I made my decision and the choose to blame you, chose to hurt you.
There are many decisions still to be made, many choices, many avenues, many actions I could take, we do not have the time to consider fully, every option, and the consequences of them each. Which is why we look to those around of for guidance, from experience, and from wisdom. Where I have rejected this I am sorry.
It may be, that the decisions I make, will not be those that you would think best, it may be that those who have come to depend on me, will be left looking for new dependence, it may be that after consideration, my choice is that this life is not something I want. Like everything else this is a choice, it is something I control and something I have a right to decide, but I would not be demonstrating that I had learned anything if I didn't first say, that I know my thinking is impaired, my logic flawed, and my reasoning irrational. I look to your guidance to see what should be my decision, what my best course of action is, and again, trusting your opinion, your experience, I make my next choice.
I stand before you now, not to ask for forgiveness, not to ask for help, and not to ask for leeway or special consideration, but I stand here as a man to be judged. I take responsibility for my actions thus far, and accept my sentence. Where possible I will make amends. And to all I can only implore upon you this message, the results of your actions are equally you're responsibility, consider every one carefully, look for support wherever it may be, rely on the guidance and experience of those who offer it.
And stand lest not that you be judged.
<Mod Edit: Abacus21 - name deleted to protect member's privacy