I Want to Kill Myself

So… you have reached an unenviable point in your life where you would like to take your own life. Perhaps you have been there many times, but today is just more intense that you have ever felt before.

All you feel is pain and anxiety. Despair and hopelessness consume you… and you just wish that the mind that has gotten you into so much trouble had an ‘off’ switch. You wish that you could ‘think’ yourself out of existence.

Yes, your situation is unique and, yes, your suffering is very great. It is very likely that no-one that is close to you truly understands or appreciates what you are going through. You hurt so much that you ache physically… and no words or condolences can suffice to soothe your agony.

Firstly, I want to express my heartfelt compassion and sympathy for what you are going through.

Now, let’s take a step back and rationalise how you got to this very dark space. Mainly, suicidal thoughts come from one of two things 1. A major traumatic incident or 2. A long course of suffering and adversity or 3. Both of the previous points.

Either way, feeling suicidal isn’t necessarily ‘irrational’ or ‘stupid’ and doesn’t automatically indicate that you have mental health issues. What it does indicate, however, is that your pain is getting to the point of outweighing your coping resources.

So let’s look at it graphically… The scales below represent your emotional state. On the left hand side you have your coping resources and on the right hand side you have your pain.

 

Coping resources could be anything that helps you to handle an emotional crisis and to maintain the initiative when things get rough. Now, I believe that there are two principal categories of coping resources – the band aids and the medicines.

 Band aids are things that you use to get you through times of peak crisis.

  • Talking to friends and family or to a helpline
  • Chatting to people online
  • Breathing exercises
  • Journaling or writing a letter to yourself
  • Anything else that you could use to distract your mind.

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Medicines are things that can help stave off and prevent the crises or serve to minimise their dramatic impact on our emotional stability. The three prominent ‘medicinal’ coping resources that I believe are available to all of us are as follows:

  • Love
  • Learning
  • Self-acceptance

Love doesn’t necessarily need to be love from other people. The more we think about and foster love for others – even those least deserving of our love – the more we will feel its soothing balm in our lives. Love for others doesn’t need to be expressed in some grandiose way… it doesn’t need to be demonstrated with great acts of benevolence or kindness. The key is to love – in thought and in deed – little and often.

Learning something new gives our brain a workout and gives it something to feed on rather than feeding on our problems and negative self-talk. A stagnated brain is like a garden covered in weeds – something easy to get depressed by. By constantly learning, we help to keep our brain ‘in shape’ and feel more empowered to make positive changes in our lives.

Self-acceptance is a big downer for many people as a low self-esteem can lead to feelings of great loneliness and isolation. Constant yearning for connection and acceptance are things that affect many people in society. When we find the pearl of goodness latent inside every one of us and genuinely start to appreciate it and develop it, this serves as a significant catalyst for change and self-acceptance.

As we work on building up our coping resources, we can better equip ourselves for riding out the rough times and we are better able to cope with emotional crises in a balanced frame of mind.

Now the thing with pain is that it’s largely a matter of perspective. I say this more from a rational perspective than from a warm fuzzy emotional perspective. A 10 meter wave looks infinitely more fearsome if you are sitting in the trough and waiting for it to crash mercilessly over you… than if you are looking at it from the vantage point of a light-house keeper perched high in his sanctuary of calm.

You might now say ‘what’s the relevance of perspective?’ Well the thing is that if you are in a crisis and feel that your coping resources are failing you then working on finding perspective to your pain can be very effective…

 Time is a very gentle and powerful healer… and will often bring perspective and peace to even the most traumatic of incidents. Recalling earlier experiences of crisis and how you got through them can help shine perspective into your desolate cave of suffering as can listening to others recount feelingly how they survived an emotional Auschwitz.

Whatever it is that has brought you to this place my friend, I want you to know that I truly believe you have the strength to get through it… and to come out the other side with greater strength, wisdom and compassion than ever before.

 

Cody has studied psychology and self-help strategies for over a decade and is very passionate about helping others to fulfill their potential and live happier lives. You can read more articles from Cody on his blog – www.quantumcoaching.nz/

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104 Comments

    • I am thinking of killing myself too. I cry almost all the time now. I use to take antidepressant and I got off of them because of the side effects.

      • You’re not alone. I feel the same as you. I could probably cry every time I am reminded of the trauma in my life. Nobody understands. People distance themselves from. Family doesn’t really understand and just try to tell me generic things like stay positive. Positive about what? Im on anti depressants. And when im on them I feel like a zombie. The pain and dark thoughts are there but its like i couldnt cry even if i wanted to. So the pain builds up. Then I miss an interval and its like a ton of bricks hits me. I dunno what to do anymore.

    • Thank you
      Today I feel so so low and your words have helped me give myself another day to think and gain perspective. If I feel the same tomorrow I will read it again I am in pain

    • I try everyday to pick my self up and get over the wall of life but it seems to be getting higher and higher by the day

      • I feel this way too. My German family roots tell me to just pick myself up by my bootstraps and move on. I am supposed to always be the strongest person in the room.

    • I never thought I would ever post on a suicide discussion board. About a year and a half ago, my life was great…until I got a new supervisor who bullied me, sabotaged my work, destroyed my reputation, and gas-lit me into believing that mistakes that were years old were current. I was a top performer who had never been written up, but now I have become a problem employee that is engaged in suing my employer for a hostile work environment.

      I am treated like I have the plague and feel like every day I go to work, I am going off to war. My health has taken a huge toll. I am now a relapsed bulimic, diabetic, being treated for esophagus damage and upper GI bleeding. My husband is perpetually unemployed and all the stress to succeed is on me. The depression is so strong that I have been thinking about ending my life for the past couple of weeks; I feel so hopeless. It feels that there is no end in sight to my job that has become a hellhole and I feel hopeless about my eating disorder. How am I to recover without hope or a belief in a loving god?

      People who were friends have no turned their backs on me. The only thing that makes me feel good about myself is losing weight and getting thin–I literally want to disappear. Does anyone feel the way I do?

      • I do. I don’t know what makes any sense anymore, I thought I had friends, I thought I had people close to me, but more and more it seems I’m by myself, and the worse it gets the more I feel ashamed to reach out to anyone. It’s a real feeling. I don’t know what’s next.

  • I’m binging these articles right now hoping to find clarity and resolve.

    In tears reading them – I truly hope they help, i’m doing my best.

  • I am so sad isolated and lonely. I think of suicide often lately. Thank you for explaining why we feel such pain. I will read your blogs. Such a kind post to hurting people. I also am in tears like someone else mentioned. Thank you.

    • Hi Donna…I look for those who feel helpless in a world that seems to distant itself from the very lonely, the suffering, the vulnerable. In part because my Dad committed suicide, but mostly because I myself deal with anxiety attacks on occasion. I had no idea what they were until I finally went through a 3 day ordeal of pacing without sleep, feeling an overwhelming shroud of utter dread.
      In any case, I invite you to watch this list of videos that can be found on Youtube. NDEs are a subject of keen interest to me & I’ve devoted a fair share of my time learning about the phenom & listening to those from around the world with every kind of occupation & belief (or non-belief) from every walk of life. Especially compelling are those that have committed suicide & have came back from the dead so that they can share their experiences. Anyway, bless your heart & here’s the list:
      DO NOT COMMIT SUICIDE!!! YOU WILL BE IN A WORLD MUCH WORSE THAN THIS ONE. The problems you have are NOTHING compared to the problems you’ll have once you come out of your body. I URGE anyone with suicidal thoughts to watch these Youtube vids:
      1.Committing Suicide Send You Hell (Suicide Attempt Survivor’s Testimony) -Tamara Laroux
      2.Tortured in Hell, Lived To Tell
      3. Her Spirit Went To Hell
      4. Woman Commit Suicide and Went To Hell
      5. I Went To Hell For Suicide
      6. Suicidal Attempt and Near Death Experience
      7. Near Death Experience In Hell and Suicide
      8. To Hell and Back (Died by Suicide) and Hell Testimony
      There exists a relatively short ebook that contains a small but important page regarding suicide & other topics of extreme & related interest. It can be downloaded FREE at: booksbybrewer dot com & is called, ‘Just What Jesus Said.’ It will help many if they simply read this ebook, regardless of their religious or non-religious beliefs. Love & inner peace to you.

      • I just wanna die my family make me wanna do that and I have no hope left this paragraph doesn’t help at all … I’m sorry 😞😥

        • I am so alone and i dont have the guts to kill myself. I just want to be truly cared about. I feel like i am dying inside and i just want to be done but i can’t do it
          Any advice

          • I feel like I am alone in this world. I cry all the time and nothing makes me happy anymore. I have used my family as a reason not to hurt myself because of the pain it will cause them but they keep hurting me so I can’t sit back and silently take the emotional abuse anymore. I feel worse everyday.

          • I’ve suffered with depression since the age of 12 my old man committed suiced when I was 9 which is the only reason I have not done it myself. It honestly destroys a family and I would not put that on my son and family so I’m stuck going through life in so much pain and emptiness. I’m only antidepressants and anxiety tablets which do help but they only mask the pain. I guess some of us was not meant for this world

  • Ive been visiting suicide websites more and more and thinking about it more often. Almost every day now it’s all I think about.

    I feel so alone, my life is so sad that I’m posting comments on suicide websites… If the man I love and my family don’t care, why would anyone else care.

    Everytime I read posts like these. I cry
    I cry often lately.

    I don’t know why I am even posting here. Perhaps a last ditch attempt to try and steer myself away from actually going through with it.

    I feel broken. Lost. Hurt. I can’t take this anymore

      • I have job and people are terrible I am so unhappy I take sleeping pills to forget I over eat I can’t even pay my bills each month in sure I’m going to get put out soon I want to die

    • I want to die… I have had enough of existing so I have no life now so I will just stop existing… not living… I would feel a little better if I could get away from a controling man… I have tried to get him to leave but no I have been with him for 21 yrs…. I only realised about 2/3 yrs ago….how THICK am I…..He absolutely brain washed me. I would have run ages ago but we have 2 boys 21 ‘n’ 10yrs…. . If money was unlimited I would get my very OWN house 3 bedrooms, walk through kitchen and cosy living room…… Oh and a garden.. that’s my dream. Anyway back to reality I’d be doing my boys a favour….in the long run they will be stronger and they know that I want them to be hard working men… unlike there Dad… unfortunately as he’s very skilled joiner, builder well he can do many things but……no… he’s no drive. Well I’m done…. over and out

      • Are you on this site?
        I’m in a similar boat. Only reason I’m here is kids. Not sure how much longer I can keep going. It’s too much.

    • I’ve been thinking similar things as you have been for a while now. Recently, I thought my life was going well and I thought I was happy and then all of a sudden a few things happened and just like you, all I can think about is not being here anymore. I understand and can completely rationalize why many turn to religion, god and whatever other spiritual beliefs for hope. This isn’t working. I found myself spending an entire Saturday afternoon looking for ways to do it without it being painful. I mean, there are very little choices out there without pain. I’m all cried out. I’m just numb. In sort of a state of suspended animation, just waiting for the other shoe to drop to give me that jolt of determination to just do it. I too, feel alone, lonely and am truly embarrassed about even having these thoughts. I’m an educated person, but these thoughts defy all reason. They become so large and take over my thoughts until I can no longer change them in my mind for just a little bit. Just to let me get by one day, one hour; hell, 10 minutes would be a relief. I guess I’m just rambling…

  • more than 40 years of coping with gender disphoria and finaly accepted it and working on it . it caused to lose my love of my life and destroyed my family. and now i’m losing my job. i’m done with life.

  • Where can I turn? I’m lost and trust no one. At times my life feels great but other times unbearable. Please help
    Me. I can’t turn to my family or church family.

  • I have absolutely no one to turn to. I feel empty and hopeless. I’ve been with my boyfriend of 9 years now and everytime I think things have already reached as low as it can go he finds new words to hurt me with not to mention the occasional physical abuse. Hes made me lose everything I ever had. But the biggest loss was my home and my dogs. My home flooded and he stole my fema check and because I didn’t have the money to get another home I ended up losing my 5 dogs and they were my heart. We ended up homeless for about 6 months til he got a settlement check and bought a little rv. He’s never apologized or offered to repay me a dime of it. This is where I’m at now. I know it doesn’t sound like much but that wasn’t counting the 4 yrs of abuse before all this and him trying to actually kill me once.
    I just can’t take this anymore. Just yesterday he even made the comment that he hopes he drives me to suicide because he’s sick of me. I have no way out. The few times I tried he ended up getting me kicked out because people didn’t want to deal with his craziness and he made me lose a job. He hates me but yet he won’t let me go. The only way I can go is if I go homeless by myself while he get to stay in the trailer that should’ve been mine. And also I have a 5 month old kitten I can’t leave with him because his answer to any problem or training is to hit him. There’s no way I could leave him behind to go thru all the same pain I’ve had to live thru. My kitten is actually the only thing I have that gets me thru the day anymore. If it wasn’t for him I think I don’t hunk I’d be here to even be writing this. But my boyfriend continues to get more psychotic and hateful and its to the point that my kithen isn’t enough to give me any reason to live. And believe me I have tried to get help from the cops and they were no help. After I gave them all my proof of his threats to kill me in texts, voice-mail , recordings of our arguments and even a bullet he write my name on, the only thing they had to say to me was they couldn’t do anything because it would be my word against his because I had no proof that it was him in all the hundreds of things I had given them as my proof. They went on to say that I could call them if he put his hands on me. I said well when that happens since I don’t think there’s a chance of him stopping for a second so I can make a call to yall, ur saying he’s pretty much gotta kill me before you will do anything? And they said yes pretty much. I’m stuck with no way out and he knows it and he continues his torture almost daily. It seems like death is the only way out. And because he wants ne dead he’s not gonna stop. And to push me to my very limit he keeps his hands clean. I can’t deal with him anymore. I have no one nothing and nowhere I can turn to. It seems like the one and only answer. If I don’t then it would just be more painful if he did it. It’s my only way out and I’m ready to take it.

      • My girlfriend of the last 2 years and I moved away from everything because we thought it would be better and for my school. Ever since we moved she has been wanting to see other people and the other day she actually did. She slept with another guy and did it again last night. It hurts me more than anything because she tells me that she loves me and wants to have a family with me in the future but that she isn’t ready for the commitment. She likes the attention from other guys but doesn’t feel anything from me. I can’t do this anymore. She has hit me and lied to my face. Stared me deep in my eyes and lied when I had proof she was lying.. she was the reason I live and now I have nothing

  • No one would care if I died
    Not my kids
    Not my husband
    Not my family
    I wish the woman who gave birth to me hadn’t
    I had no say in the decision
    Yet here I live with the pain and suffering of daily life
    Why
    Because she wanted a third child

  • Cody is off base. Its not about 2 simple factors. Suicide is not a journey or destination, its a quick reboot.

    My purpose in lif has ended. I cannot move forward as that life is gone. I cannot move backward for the same reason. I truely want off of this planet.

    • True- you cannot move forward in the same thing if it is gone- that is living in the past-0 you move forward by – using your terms – a reboot into another direction with different job/ different relationship/ etc. Living in the past you will never be happy /content/satisfied- life is meant to be lived in the present and ever evolving- not clinging to what is gone and refusing to allow yourself to move forward.

  • The part where you said my suffering is great made me cry. I’m sick of people telling me to grow up or get over it or that I’m weak or some stupid shit like that.. it was overwhelming for someone to validate my suffering. In a good way. Thank you

  • God, I think I’m at the end of my rope. I don’t see any way out of the pain and failure. I have nowhere to turn–no good friends or family. What do I do? Where does a total failure turn?

  • I respect you man, I respect anyone who has gone through the shit we’ve all gone through.

    We can’t control other people – how they feel about us, whether or not they appreciate our efforts, etc. But is it worth it to kill oneself? Things aren’t always this bad – They’ve been better in the past. And they’ll probably be better in the future. Chances are there are people who really love you. Try to watch something funny – theres plenty of funny stuff on youtube and the like. I find laughing helps interrupt the impulse. If the internet is good for one thing, it’s the almost endless supply of legit funny stuff.

    Hang in there. Even if you don’t think anyone you know loves you, I do.

  • I stay deppressed all the time and feel that suicide is my only option. My family has drove me to my point of insanity. All i ever hear is drama, i have moved away from them and they still find me and will never stop bothering me. I feel they thrive off of it… I feel like my only escape from them is death. I dont want these thoughts and i want to prosper in life but my family is constantly dragging me down

    • INDULGE YOURSELF WITH GOOD THOUGHTS. SPEND TIME WITH FLOWERS, ANIMALS. JUST SIT IN A PARK AND ENJOY NATURE. IT WILL HELP YOU A LOT. DON’T KEEP YOUR THOUGHTS INSIDE JUST EXPRESS THEM. WHENEVER YOU FEEL DEPRESS JUST NOTE DOWN YOUR THOUGHTS WHATEVER COMES IN YOUR MIND ON A PAPER. AND BURN IT OR DESTROY IT. YOU FEEL RELAXED.

      I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL. JUST GIVING MY THOUGHTS BECAUSE I FEEL BENEFITED WITH THIS.

  • I do sometime feel to kill myself because nothing is left for me. But I can’t because i still have feeling about pain associated with suicide attempt.t And also aware about what i lost it my attempt will fail. I am here talking about physical pain and I don’t want to go thru such pain. Secondly if i failed in it then I definitely have life long side effect and internal injuries. So all suiciding thought immediately ran out of my mind. And I automatically came out of depressive thought.

    It works for me. So if you are depressed and feeling to suicide, just educate yourself about after effect and pain associated with each type of attempt. So your brain itself stop you from doing such wrong things.

    I myself going thru such phase and everytime my brain stop me doing any such wrong thing. Though I am not happy but I spent much of my time in keeping myself busy with my dogs, tv, family and internet. I also read articles and discuss current affairs with people.

  • My life is just a mess…. I don’t know where my father is…. Every person I meet in my life they are so emotionally abusing me… Even my previous job was so bad In a way that I quitted….. I have a big burnt scar on my back and a couple on ma face… I have scars and stubborn blemishes all over my body I can’t wear short sleeves and shorts or skirts I’m always on the indoors and I can’t even pursue my acting an singing career… Because of my skin… I cry everyday… Especially on summer.. Everyday when I wake up in the morning I feel like dying…. Coz I don’t see a reason for me to live.. No one understands even in my family…i always want to be alone and just cry………

  • I also want to end my life i can’t live anymore everyone played with me my heart and I just came to know that I was born to be sad,unhappy,depressed and a toy for people im tired of this I can’t survive anymore no hope nothing just waiting for my death😭😭

  • I just feel like I’m in a hole. That just keeps getting deeper and deeper. I’m losing people in my life and I haven’t even done anything. Everyone is mad at what I do when I only ever try to please people. My boyfriend I can’t even talk to and he just blames every argument and thing wrong on me. I’ve withdrawaled from school and am just floating. I have no family I am alone. I think about suicide everyday. Don’t know if I’ll ever be strong enough to actually go through with it. But it seems like everyday I get closer to actually doing it.

      • YES!! You’re so right! They all tell you they care and they love you no matter what, but when they see you in pain or when they can’t figure out why you’re feeling depressed, they just say to get over it! How is that love?

  • I find myself just barely making it through the day. I just have no will to live. My heart is consumed with grief and sadness

  • I don’t know if I’m strong enough for this world anymore, everyday I feel closer to ending it. I’ve made so many mistakes in my life and I’m not strong enough to cope. But I’m too scared to end it but each day brings me closer to the inevitable as every problem I seem to come across gets worse by the day. The anxiety and my mental problems just seem to make me want to end it.

  • I have kids and my partner cheated on me even when I was just 3 months pregnant with our first child. Before that, we had discussions of marriage. After I gave birth to our first child, I found out about the affair. I had postpartum dep and the fact that he cheated on me made it worst. He said he didnt belive in postpartum dep. Instead, he said I had mental illness. After that, he told me I wasnt a priority for him. He did not marey me. He said he will if he has good reasons to. My relatives talked me out. Adviced me not to leave coz we have a kid. So I stayed. I told him I have to stay with my relatives just so I can breath and relax my mind. Now we have a 2nd child and he cheated on me again. It started when I was staying with my relatives, when I asked him to give me time to heal. We never broke up. And again….depression sinks in. Much worse than before. I’ve cut my hand already. He said sorry. But after another argument he said I’m insane… that something is wrong with me. My mom is sick, my relatives are having problems too, and I have no one to lean on. Your words, though they are powerful, have no effect on me anymore but that is not your fault. < >He is just outside this room. Yet he does nothing. So I guess there’s no point trying to find a way. And if those who are reading will tell me i’m overreacting, know my story. My mother is a victim of a womanizer. My father had many women and children. I was a victim of child abuse, physical torments due to a broken family. Still, I believed that man is fundamentaly good. Now, I believe in nothing. Not even in God. For I have cried, bled, and begged yet he did not hear me.

    • You are the one in control. But you choose not to control your self. Instead you want him to change/want to control his actions. LOSE THE LOSER BOYFRIEND. If you have been a victim all your life then realize you are not a child anymore and instead of inviting him to victimize you further kick him out and get rid of him. Except sending support for his kids he can decide whether to see you or not but then you can find a decent human being to be with. That is you in control- but if all you do is complain he doe snot want to change or treat you nice then no, it will not get better. But you already know all of this I suppose..So why are you still putting up with it? It is not for support- your relatives are supporting you. Time for you to take care of yourself instead of feel bad. You pray for a solution- there is one plain as day in front of you- but you have to make it – it is not god or anybody else that is not making it better- it is you.

  • Its not that i want to kill myself. I dont. I just dont want to live anymore. Im 33 years in and it only gets worse. And im tired. I just want to move on. My family has left me behind. I dont have any real friends. My girlfriend is great. But she doesnt make life worth living. She just makes it a little more bearable. I think im ready.

  • Love
    Learning
    Self-acceptance

    i am 22 years old and i don’t have anything of these and i am trying i am really trying but i couldn’t get anything of them no love i mean i cant find a person who can really love me for who i am ,i am studying but with hard future (maybe no future at all),and if i don’t accept myself and i am not even thinking i am good enough , what do i expect of people how i really hope to get better in studying or find someone who will love me if i don’t even accept myself , i don’t know, life is not fair that’s just keeps destroying me.

  • I just spent the last couple minutes reading these comments. For once I felt like someone understood. I don’t know anyone on here and honestly I don’t even know what I’m getting out of this by commenting but I’m tired, I’m very lonely and I’m trapped in my mind, it’s exausting. I cry and cry and i feel one step closer to letting go. Reading that there are others fighting makes me want to fight. If you’re out there feeling like it’s time, it’s not. Keep fighting. Do it for me please

  • I am too depressed today, of all days. I received some bad news, and it’s just pushing me over the edge. Is there no way out of my nightmare?

  • I think about killing myself at least 3 times a day, I don’t have any friends all my dreams and hopes are fading away, my parents don’t understand or care to understand. I feel the depressed most of the time, this isn’t where I thought I’d see myself, I just want it to end.

  • I’m truly sorry about your bad news. Bad news seems to get us when we are the weakest, doesn’t it? I think I can understand how you feel because I thought things were going well in my life. It’s not like all of a sudden things went from bad to worse. Things were just not so great to begin with and I thought I was dealing and coping. I thought I was just trying to focus on the future. I think there may be a way out of the nightmare, but I’m not exactly sure what that is. I think it’s completely different for everyone, depending on what it is you’re dealing with. Anonymous, I’m just tired! I’m exhausted of trying to be little Ms. ray of sunshine and being positive all the time. I’m sorry you’re depressed and I feel badly for all of us on this forum. I’m not even sure why I’m responding and talking to any of you as if this was going to help? I too, feel like no one is out there who will just extend their hand to me and help me get off the floor (just a matter of saying) It’s almost like everyone wants something from you, expects something from and all the while, you’re asking yourself what is this all for? Maybe the whole point of this forum is to trap us here to talk to each other and make us forget about not wanting to be here anymore. Why hasn’t anyone come up with a pill you can just take and fall asleep and never wake up? Do I really want “OUT”? Do any of us really just want to quit living?

  • I am literally de- stined to have every conceivable thing go wrong! My life is goddamn joke and boarderline desrepectful to those in my profession… Ironically, even though I am such an epict fuck up and I absolutely HATE myself, i al such a parhetic pussy to kill myelf! N 3rd world contry drunk!….

  • The more I learn to accept things the better I feel but I struggle so much with others not understanding me, so I try an iscolate myself. It helps knowing that there’s others out there that can understand and not judge.

  • I am embarrassed and ashamed that I am having suicidal thoughts, especially on Christmas Eve. I remember when I used to genuinely smile and be so happy, but I’m no longer happy and it scares me. I’m only in my early 20’s and I feel that my life has no meaning. I’m about to graduate college and hopefully obtain a job, but I’m no longer happy and excited to move onto the next chapter in my life. The problem is I simply don’t care about anything anymore. I always pretend that I’m happy and I’m not. People say I always have a big bright smile on my face, but no one truly knows that I’m dying inside. I feel like a passenger in my own life, if that makes sense. Things that brought joy to life my no longer does so. I can’t even count the number of times that Ive cried this year. I guess I never really went through with committing suicide because there’s just some stupid part of me that thinks that things will get better. I’m just so alone, I hardly have a social life… my family thinks that depression and anxiety is basically BS and that one should just get over it. But news flash, it isn’t that easy. The only thing that occupies my mind is my school work, I hate thinking about things because it makes me even more depressed. Frankly, school work is away to pass time and fill a void. I’m running out of ways to pass time in my life and I can’t say whether or not I’ll make it to graduation…

  • I am a middle aged man, I am ready to die. Life hurts, I have what most would consider a good life but the pain is real. Will it be today, tomorrow, next week? I don’t know, but it is coming close.

  • I struggle with these thoughts everyday but today it’s gotten to the point where I can’t feel or hear anything. All I can see is how horrible and awful my life is. I live in a 2 bdroom apartment with 7 other people and we all have to share one bathroom. My dad is a drunk and my oldest brother has a skin and eye condition that prevents him from being able to work. My younger sister is selfish and is constantly making me hate life and my mom just tries to do everything she can to make sure we are “fine” I’m always “fine” or so my family thinks. It gets harder and harder everyday.

  • I think about death all the time.I’m just 19 and I’ve been depressed ever since a fragile age and now I think I hit rock bottom.I can’t feel anything..it’s just this emptiness that I can’t get rid of..and I’ve tried to tell my family and my friends but they don’t take me seriously.I don’t even now what to do, I feel just so lost;every part of my body and my mind hurts but I can’t kill myself cuz’ I’m a coward…and at the same time I know I can stay like this…

  • I read this! honestly it did not help! i feel soooo sad and misery. I thought of killing mt self, but i cant because i have kids, i cant leave them alone in this world. My husband always thinks i’m over reacting and gets mad at me for being sad and unsatisfied all the time and not enjoying any thing any more. I have very low self steam and i gain weight like crazy!..Now i’m trying to act and hide my misery from every one including my family, because i dont want hurt them!

  • I feel very bad, I got no motivation for living anymore… I just wanna end with this. All the time I feel too anxious, I start shivering with no apparent reason… I feel like I need to do something but I can’t find what exactly. I’ve tried to distract myself in some activities but none of them provides me motivation.. and I feel very lonely, like no one else understand my pain and I feel stupid because I know I should

  • I really hate myself and i drown in my self pity and angst. i have a hunch that everyone i know hates me. I feel lonely all the time and there’s just no one out there who actually CARES. no one cares about my situation and no one understands. I constantly have to use comedy as a coping mechanism, but these days, it’s just not working. of course, i’m Too much of a scary cat to commit. I have no guts, but i just want it all to end. I feel like everyone is talking behind my back, making jokes about me. to everyone else, i’m Just the awkward weirdo who’s lonely all the time. I guess they’ll never really know.

  • i want to KMS RIGHT NOW and for the past 5 years … holly shit i just realized how many there are of us . that’s stupid . epidemic

  • I have 2 kids and i keep trying to tell myself they need me. But in reality they dont. I just am done. 27 years of life and so very few moments of being happy. I just cant anymore. All this artivle did was showed me i have almost nothing to help me cope and that the effort om teying to make to get netter is going to be useless. Im just done. I told their father to fund a sitter. As soon as he does im leaving. I just cant do it anymore.

  • this pain can’t be stoped so easily but this article helps me see that even if my dark tunnel keeps growing eventually there will be light……..I HOPE

  • Im right there with u guys, i want the pain to end. I already attempted suicide but failed & the thought that i can still do it runs heavy on my soul. todays my birthday & im so alone, i have my kids but their older & can take care of themselves & each other. All i do is cry & cry then i sleep & sleep some more. The pain is getting worse & the meds made me even worse so they stopped them. but there has to be something to rid this pain before its to late…

  • On December 18th 2016 my life changed drastically, I wish I could go back in time and change it. However that’s not possible, I tried to move on but life just kept pilling up. I couldn’t feel the love and joys of life anymore. I was standing still as life was moving on. I’m now standing alone, no family and no friends. I just want the pain to end. I have lost all of my inner strength to live.

  • How to have hope, I have a 15 years old with severe autism, I been working really hard to keep him up, I was victim of domestic violence all my life, from my mother and all the relationships I had, my son’s father left one day for a younger woman and forgot he had a son. And today I’m in the point of having nobody, I’m married to a man who is useless, who sees me crying and look at me angry because of my tears, who lied about loving my son and now, 6 months into the marriage showed he doesn’t, I can’t work because my son was abused at the school and can’t go and I practically depend on this marriage to live, how I can survive if I can’t work, my son started to be aggressive towards me, I have no idea how to fix this, I want to tell my husband to leave but how I can support myself and my son if I can’t work, I have house and car payments to make every month. I feel hopeless with no way to go only really go, I’m so ready but If I kill myself who’s going to take care of my son? he was abused at the school by teachers, who’s going to take care of him?

  • Thank you Cody, I’m so sad in a dark place right now my mother had respiratory failure and has been slowly slipping away before my eyes, along with a wave of past regrets I have it’s become almost too much to bear. Thank you friend

  • I have a lot of reasons to live… I have a wonderful Family, a loving boyfriend, and loyal friends… but I just hate myself so much. Hate cannot even encompass the feeling sometimes. When I look at myself in the mirror there are times where I just want to punch it as hard as I can and then < >. I’m not an alcoholic but when I drink I can’t stop. I want to binge to the point where I don’t have to think anymore. I have so much anxiety and have to constantly find new things to distract my mind. Sometimes they are positive things like writing, traveling, playing my guitar, or spending time with loved ones… but the darker side of me always surfaces and I can’t stop it. It’s so hard because it is so powerful. Sometimes I feel like I’m not even in control. But I keep fighting for my loved ones. If they weren’t around then I probably would have ended it all a long time ago. I feel selfish for having these thoughts but I can’t help them. They come in waves and when they hit it feels like a hurricane meeting a volcano.

  • Hello,

    Yes. I feel things are very hopeless for me now. I try to reach out to family and friends, but they don’t bother to understand my situation or they gradually pull away from me. Things are so bad that I have issues with verbal communication. I’m losing my social skills due to prolonged social isolation. I also have the tendency to overeat. I completely understand you. You are not alone.

  • Everyday I work hard to make something of myself my girl left me. We was together for 4 years , my family only wanna use me , I don’t have a diploma , or a car no mo cuh it got damaged , just a lot of shit man it’s not like I’m not tryin I’m 21 years old and I feel like I see the world beauty but yet the evil the pain it continues to grown every day. I don’t talk to anyone any more cut they fake are man like I just feel I’m done participating in this bulshit world. .. All I ducking do is work I have no life and ion want this one anymore no one cares how I truly feel

  • The girls of my dreams left me and a couple of months later she said that she doubts if she ever loved me while we were together. I just got rejected from my dream school. My parents call me “weak.” I am doing volunteering work in a foreign country for two months. I have no real friends here, the place is so poor and sad. I probably can have a good life eventually. But as of right now I am just thinking of ways to kill myself. I am not scared of “hell” when the real hell is living in this world. I have been abusing Xanax and have been drinking.

  • Out of all the crap on the internet (not calling this crap) about suicide, this is the most heartfelt. Thank you, it in itself hasn’t given relief, but it out lines a path and for that im sure most are grateful.

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