I Hate Myself and Want the Pain to End

I hate myself

All the advice, everywhere, about abusive relationships tell you to get out – to leave – to stop the monster that is hurting you. But what do you do when the person making your life unbearable, the person that is making you desperately want to die to make it stop, is you? What do you do when ‘I hate myself’ isn’t just a throw away comment, but is, instead, a pain so deep that you would do anything to make it end?

I’d Be Better Off Dead

Sometimes it feels like it is impossible for anything to get better – you’ve screwed things up so badly that there is no coming back. Nothing you do is right, nothing you do is good enough. It feels like there is no escape, because the person you need to run away from is the one person you can never leave behind. I understand that feeling well; I have been there myself, standing in the ruins of a life I have obliterated so completely that I cannot even find the pieces, let alone start to put them back together. How do you start to repair things, to build a life that feels worth living when the moment things seem to get better, the moment something good happens, you self destruct and blow it all to pieces again?

Here on SF, I see it every day. Kind, warm, caring people who give up their time and energy to reach out and help other people in pain, because they know what it feels like to hate yourself – what it feels like to loathe yourself with such venom that you want to die. The world is full of good people who hate themselves so much, feel so disgusted by their mistakes, by their own thoughts and actions, that they believe they would be better off dead. I have spoken to literally hundreds of them. If you are reading this, there is a good chance that you came here because you are one of them.

Forgiving Yourself

Maybe you are here because you feel like you don’t deserve forgiveness. You do. I don’t know what you have done, what choices you have made. I don’t know anything about you, but I know that if you were not a good person you would not feel so bad – you would not care so much that you want to die. If you deserved the hate you direct at yourself, you would not be able to feel it. You deserve to be forgiven. You deserve love and support and people who care about you. You deserve to be heard.

Join Suicide Forum

I am not trying to tell you that you are perfect just the way you are. Nobody is perfect. But imperfection is what makes us able to empathise, to love, to do the amazing things that humans do as they strive to be better. I am not telling you that you do not need to change; everyone changes, over time, and if there are things about yourself that you truly hate then you can work on changing those things. I know how easy it is to think that you need to change everything – that there is nothing good worth keeping or saving. You’re wrong. You may need help to see the good things; that happens when you have spent so long in such a dark place – it is hard to see the light. It is okay to need help. It is okay to ask for it. You may not feel you deserve it but you, like the other hundreds and hundreds of people who come to SF hating themselves, are wrong.

It’s Easier to Believe the Bad Things

Sometimes self hate doesn’t even come from things we did, or the mistakes we made. Sometimes self hate is built by other people – people who lie to us about who we are. Bullies come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes they are people who pretend to be friends, sometimes they are parents. When they are people who are supposed to love us, it is easy to believe that they are mean or violent because we deserve it.

I am deffective

It is hard enough when the negative words in our heads are our own. When they belong to people we love, it is that much harder to ignore them. To be told that you are not enough – not smart enough, not pretty enough, not g00d enough. If you get told often enough that you are a failure or that you are stupid or broken or ugly, especially by someone you love, it is easy for those lies to become your reality. Please, don’t let them. I know it is not easy and I know it hurts. I know that the only thing you want right now is to be someone worth loving, to be someone who deserves to live. I know you don’t believe it is possible and that is okay – let us believe it for you until you are ready to hear the truth from people who see you without the blackened tint of self loathing. Talk to us.

Depression is a Liar

Depression lies. It is a dark insidious thing that creeps into our brains and whispers to us that our more negative feelings about ourselves are true. Many people have no idea that the sucking black hole inside them that makes them feel like people would be better off without them is an illness. Depression makes people pull away from their friends because they believe they are bad for them, that they will hurt them. It tells people that ‘nobody likes you anyway’. It distorts and it warps and it leaves you believing there is nothing good left. Depression can make you believe that you are a worthless failure that will never amount to anything; it can make you believe you are too ugly to leave the house and that the world would be better off if you were dead.

If you feel any of these things, however much you believe that you feel them because they are true, you need the help of a doctor and you need the support of people who understand those feelings. I understand you do not believe you deserve that help. I understand you hate yourself because you believe you deserve that hatred. Let us show you that isn’t true. Join our community and talk to people who have beaten those feelings, people who can help you change the things you want to change and accept the things that you simple do not need to. Let us hold a candle in that darkness and show you the good things you cannot see for yourself.



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    • How can I get help now. I want to.die. I lost everyone and everything I loved. I have no one and I live in a halfway with 20yr old drug addicts. Im 47 and if this is how I must live I cant go on. The emotional pain is so deep that I can’t even speak to people. I dont want to shower or get dressed. I want to run away. I want to be part of the sky. I want to.love someone but I dont think anyone would love me in this darkness. I need help. I dont want to live like this. Please God. I dont know how to kill myself. I wish there was a place I could go and be put to sleep. Thoughts?

      • I know how you feel. My family is long dead. The only one that truly loved me I chased away. I am a worthless fool. 59 yrs old. Health is going. No retirement. Work until I die. I hope to die in my sleep. Sooner the better.

    • I am sorry that bullying and exclusion is making you feel like you hate yourself; if the ‘problem’ is the way other people are treating you then it is less of a problem that a doctor can help with. Do you have a union? You need to advocate for yourself against this kind of treatment – you deserve better.

  • I want someone to kill me BC I’m afraid I’ll screw it up like everything else. I’ve tried to pay people to kill me. Everyone hates me….My bf can’t stand me and is terrible to me, family is the same… I stay away BC I don’t want to get hurt again…I’m 33 and basically a hermit. I hate myself more than anything. I just want it over. Now.

    • Jay if your boyfriend is terrible to you then you need to leave. I understand you do not feel that you deserve any better, but I promise that you do. Please come and talk to us – we have a chat room full of lovely people. It might not solve the hermit problem but it will give you people to talk to who are not horrible to you.

  • I feel like if anybody knew what I did they’d hate me or be extremely dissapointed in me… almost a year ago I indirectly hurt someone which is something I didn’t think about at the time I was doing it but now that I know I feel like a monster. I know I’ve let everyone down and I cant deal with this guilt anymore

  • I used to have someone to talk to, but like everyone else they got sick of me and now I don’t know what to do.
    I’m completely alone, and want to die but I’m worried I’ll mess it up.
    I’ve already seen a doctor but they can’t help me.

  • Thank you. Realizing that if I was truly as terrible as I feel I am I wouldn’t care or notice- I actually smiled at the thought…

  • I am new here and I am alone, except an abuse sister, for the first time in my life. I pray for God to take me in my sleep every day because the pain of living is too unbearable. All of my friends left me when I lost my boyfriend in 2009, one by one. They wouldn’t help me or be there for me at my darkest hour. My family, brother, sister and nieces and nephews are abusive in every way except physically like my dead parents were who beat me for 10 years daily. Where do I find friends and a good boyfriend? Or do I have to live like this until I can’t take it and I lose my mind and die? Help me please!


  • I feel ready to leave this world
    To others I appear to havd everything.
    Successful loving husband and father 56 years old.
    I never liked myself and dislike myself more each day
    I am just tired.
    I feel selfish And guilty but every day is so gd tiring
    I just want to go into that sweet sleep…

  • This article is me and I am going to see a doctor. I hate myself, I am ugly, I am a loser. people hate me and I have always been kind to them trying so hard to win acceptance. Always feeling like i don’t belong. people who call me best friend behind my back talk about me and say I am judgmental. Why are you my friend ? I am hiding out in my house and don’t want to see anyone. I put on a happy face at work because I have too. I won’t ever kill myself although it runs through my head. I could never leave that legacy for my three son’s to deal with. Everyone thinks I’m crazy already lets just prove them right no way. I a a downer when I am with people cause I never feel good enough. My friends are pretty and I am ugly. I am divorced twice, my husband left me for another woman. Just a plain old loser is what I am. My mother was right when she called me a loser that is what I am. thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

    • I want to die. I cannot deal with this pain anymore. A lifetime of pain. All I wanted was……….. It doesn’t matter anymore. I know that I will not wake in the morning. Peace will come at last. This is my good bye.

  • How can i get help or should i even look for it, but i would rather just die now and get it over with why keep living and feeling these way. The pain is too much to bare

  • I’ve never joined or commented in a forum like this but this article is me! I’m not a good husband (I’ve had multiple affairs) not a good father either (my kids would prefer to not be with me) I put on a great fake face daily but inside I loath myself! No one I know except my wife knows I’d rather be dead. I’ve asked her many times if she’d prefer to be a widow than married to a cheating bastard? She says I’m selfish and is mad that I’d even think about killing myself so I guess even those thoughts are wrong?! I don’t know what I’m doing and don’t know if I’m going to continue living life? Part of me would like to but when I look in the mirror I want to puke! I avoid mirrors and even when I need to use one I don’t look at me. Never give him eye contact!!! I’m not sure what I’m expecting out of posting this maybe just share thoughts. Thanks for …

  • I’m giving myself two weeks. If I can’t change things in two weeks, then I will end my life by hanging myself. I hate myself more than I hate anything else in the entire world. I feel as though I was created by mistake. I have no purpose, no reason for being alive. I’m 38, divorced and I can’t have kids ever due to infertility issues I have. I also suffer from ptsd as a result of seeing my mothers murder when I was only 8. I’m so broken. I can’t live with the aching inside my heart any more. I try so hard to move on, to be happy and pleasing to others. I’m stuck in place. I’m not progressing in anything. I’m a waste of life. I truly wish I could donate my life to someone with a terminal illness who really wants to live, because I don’t. May 29, 2017 will more than likely be my death date. I just need to get a few things in order.

  • Just like Jay, I thought about paying someone to kill me, because I’m afraid I’ll probably survive my own suicide attempt. I actually put a hit out for myself on craigslist but nothing ever came of it. Every morning, I wake up wishing I didn’t.

  • I have lost and sabotaged everything . Lost all my close friends colleagues and opportunities to live a normal healthy existence . I was hacked burned at the stake which was warranted do to my inability to stay sober and not spout out miasmic bullshit . Im turning 40 in a week. Have nothing . Feel inadequate as also mentally defective to fight on another 24 hours. Lost the love of my life who now hates me. Lost career . Don’t have many skills and am used to being put down. Im my own worse enemy and im exhausting , boring, alone and wanting this ongoing depressive pain to cease. I’ve abandoned all hope. Want off this planet

  • I’ve been on this site multiple times. Always read the posts to encourage me to not hurt myself.

    I just lost everything. My relationship, my home, my life. I’ve never had “a family”. I was abandoned by my biological parents when I was a newborn. My “raising” parents are elderly, one is very sick now, and my brother is a teenager who doesn’t even know why I don’t live with my biological mother.

    I’m a failure, I’m a terrible person, my soul gets uglier by the day. I have no intergrity or respect for anything. I’m ready to die.
    Idk how I’ll manage to do it, but I’m ready for it. There’s no point in living anymore. I have nowhere to go. I’m homelesss now, have little money to my name and just low life.
    I hate myself.

  • Where do I start? I tried to end my life once in my late teens with a drug overdose. It was impulsive I never felt I was “good enough” and what I ( and many teenagers) thought was such a serious relationship had just ended. I thought any drug you took way too many of would kill you. Stupid then, more stupid over the next 30 years. Anyway I survived it just fine and at first thought I was over feeling like I wanted to die. I had a bright future, scholarship to a prestigious university( that I never wanted to really go to) to study in a field I had no desire to actually pursue( medicine, see got more stupid as I aged). Anyway lost my scholarship due to poor grades and began a decent through my darkest years that I never fully pulled away from. I thought I did when I finally met and began dating the girl I love most dearly above everything. I am a 50 year old man. I have the most wonderful wife a man could have ever wished for. But for our entire relationship I was so selfish I didn’t ever realize how badly I broke her soul the entire time we have been together. I do realize it now and that it was due to my selfish ways of not being fully open with her about my self-loathing, and that I think I didn’t really understand that level until recently. I masturbated instead of being sexual with her. I ignored her pleas for a real intimate sexual loving connection. Fooling myself into believing that the love and caring( limited though it was) would convince her of my true love for her. And I do truly love her with all my soul. But the damage is done. I’ve made her feel ugly and rejected for so long that ( I honestly didn’t know how badly even though she told me time and again it was what I was doing) but like I have said I just kept being more stupid and selfish in my self-loathing as I aged. Now I know the self- loathing is truely deserved. Now I know how badly I screwed her up by not giving the effort to seek help as to why I could never be with her like she wanted. Like any precious soul needs from the one who claims to love her. So she told me she was going to find that part she needs elsewhere and that I either accept it or move on. So I accepted it. Even tried to help her find it. I am trying to make it up to her and I am finally showing her how I love her wholly with my every being but it is too late. She has no trust that I am genuine or will not slip back into neglect and I do not blame her. Not in the least bit. But I know I won’t, and I am trying to find a way to show it to her everyday. She of course is not accepting it. But you want to know the worst part? She STILL shows me love, she STILL comes home to ME. It really drives home the point of how I do not deserve any of her love if after all I’ve done to her she comes back to me. She says she can never love another man, even though she has found a guy that shows her limitless desire, the same desire I am showing her(inadequately and too late as that may be) she still wants to stay with me. But anyway, this all just has taken me back to my dark places and has given me new depths of my self- loathing. I deserve to die horribly for what I’ve done to her and me pushing her into the bed of another man while she still holds love for me??? What kind of piece of human garbage( putting it mildly) can live with themselves knowing what puce done out of nothing more than selfish self hate and pity. How the Hell did I pity and hate myself in this beautiful life she has tried to give me?? I need to go. I need to die. She would be so better-off without having a p.o.s. Like me tying her away from any level of freedom or happiness. But I’m torn. I love her and I love our kids. Am I being more selfish by not ending this poor excuse of wasted matter or would I make more pain by removing myself from this plane of existence? Should I see her holding on to me as a sign of hope that I will eventually convince her I am a changed man, finally and for the rest of our lives, or more as I am actually seeing it as her just being tied to me until she finally realizes what true turd I am? I hurt so badly just knowing the pain I have caused her for so long. I selfishly hurt seeing the level of need she has for another man. I hurt. And I have never hated myself more than I do now, even though I realize I always have hated myself. I f*ing hurt. But I know I deserve this pain and much much more. I will deservedly burn in Hell.

  • I want to die
    My husband left because I lied to him
    He tells,me over and over again I ruined his life
    Tells me sluts dont deserve families or deserve happiness
    Both my kids left me because they side with him
    The world is a cruel and horrible place and no one can be trusted
    I have no support system family or friends
    Death is the only solution

  • I just discovered this site tonight as I was looking for a chat room that gave advice on how I can end it all. I don’t even know where to start. I’ll kick off with I’m 36 and live alone and have done for a long time now. I’ve turned into a recluse, I’m at the point going outside is just unbearable and gives me serious anxiety. I’ve got no 1, Iv been homeless, I’ve been a drug addict, I have just made so many mistakes that I don’t want to be here anymore. I have tried to kill myself a couple of times now and both times never worked. Both were overdoses but unfortunately both times I was found unconscious and my life saved which is the outcome I didn’t want. I’m such an idiot that I can’t even kill myself when I’m trying. I’m worthless, nobody likes me, I’m so lonely and pathetic that I’m so ashamed of my life. My life consists of looking at the same 4 walls 24/7 usually in my pyjamas as I avoid going outside as much as I can. I don’t really know why I’m here???? I just want to end it all, I can’t go on much longer. My life is lonely and pathetic anyway so I really wouldn’t be missed. I just want it all to stop, I just can’t go on anymore and suicide is something I’m now obsessing about but I keep putting it off because I’m too much of coward but I think the time has finally come. Nobody loves me, nobody cares about me and I hate myself so much that I don’t believe I’m worthy of life, i just want it all to go away. I’m so tired now and I just want it all to end.

  • I do not hate myself, I love myself so much
    Its just that my life is so destroyed right now that I prefer to die than to cope with all the physical and emotional labour implied, which will lead to a death by starvation anyways cause I have no one to rely on

  • I, too, am struggling with living or tossing it in. I have nothing since being disabled in 2010 for PTSD. I’ve lost everything. I’m basically homeless. I stay in a motel that is closed, but the owner lets me stay in a room for free. I know I will never have a place to call my own-ever. My son stopped speaking to me because I’m too emotional. Well, considering I have PTSD, MMD, GAD, AND FIBROMYALGIA….. how can I NOT be emotional sometimes? Considering his dad beat me black and blue for 20 Years, I shouldn’t be surprised by his hateful attitude. He’s uncaring and mean just like his dad. When I think about all the times I took the beating FOR MY SON, it makes me wish I would have let his father beat him too. Then I feel bad for thinking that. I’ve been dumped by a lot of people over the years….family. No great loss since I was abused as a child too…no wonder I’m so messed up. Just don’t want to live with the pain and loss anymore…. I’m done. I don’t feel like my situation will ever get any better and I’m tired of the way I have to live. I only exist. I’ve attempted suicide before but was always “saved”. Gee, thanks for bringing me back to HELL.

    • You spent 20 years not changing your situation /leaving an abusive husband. In the end – that was your choice- and a bad choice for both you and for the son which had to grow up exposed to that hatred (and now you wonder why he is like thta- you could have left and taken him someplace safer- you did not).

      You are repeating the same thing now- explaining reasons to not change or make things better – in th eend it is a choice – period. Yes you have mental and physical challenges- so do most people. Now instead of spending energy reading about how to try to make things better (or worse) and then expending more energy to make excuses why you are different and nothing will work for you- spend time and energy looking for what WILL help and what you can do to make things better.

  • Hello
    I always want to pretend that I’m fine every thing is going fine and being a kind nurse to my patients but truly I’m not i didn’t even want to say hello at first but the fu…ing polite parts of me made me to say that I’m stupid and by the age of 26 i haven’t been in a relationship maybe cause I’m absolutely ugly suicidal thoughts were always with me but i just don’t want to let my family down i hate my self and everything belongs to me

  • This hit home for me. I still don’t think I can shake this feeling. I love all of the support I am seeing here but I still feel dead alone. I’ve been dealing with these thoughts for 15 years and I don’t want to live a life that this will follow me through. It’s too hard. The only thing keeping me standing is the people I would hurt by leaving behind and the trauma I’d cause to person that would find me. I can’t tell these people what’s going on without being seen as crazy or selfish. I can’t talk about it. I can’t tell anyone that will lock me up and commit me because it would ruin my future either way. I am alone.

  • If one area, such as sleep, activity, nutrician, isolation, changes due to your own challenges or from someone you can confide in such as guidance counselor or someone other areas will change. It’s like when a water droplet falls into a puddle the ripples continue outward until the ripple bounces off the edge of the puddle and ripped back to the center of the puddle. The first ripple struggles to move back to the center and will bounce and flow onto the ripple that follows it. A dance of the water droplet until finally peace occurs. It takes time, there are interactions occurring as well like a breeze of air swishes down and stirs the water in another direction. But if one area in your life is looked at such as sleep and ask is it too much or too little change it; shorten naps taken or get up earlier to just look out the window before school or work, that change is the new ripple. Like a deer in the woods, slow and steady hoof steps on the rocks, eventually it comes out into the sunlight to drink from the stream of water. Reach out and share .

  • I’ve read this article 3 times in the last 24 hours and it has made me feel better until the next criticism comes. Freya your words are helping bit by bit and I’m pretty sure I’ll need to read them dozens of times more. Thank you for letting me know I have value

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