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“I’m not going to help you”

#1
I was told a few days ago by my wife, the only person in my life that I give a shit about, that I need help. And not only will she not help me find that help, but she wants proof (in the form of receipts, medication bottles and whatnot) that I’m getting that help or else in the next month or so we will reevaluate where we are at and if I haven’t done what she wants me too, that a divorce is likely.
I’ve thought about suicide almost daily for the past 20 or so years and about 6 months ago she came across something and asked about it. I was humiliated and embarrassed beyond belief but admitted that yes, I do consider that an option (but she has no idea how serious an option it is). However afterwards I felt so fucking relieved that I wasn’t the only one that knew that about me. Unfortunately nothing else was said about it and again I was alone with those thoughts. When I think about it, I hope she never told anybody else. Not because of how I would feel that somebody else knows. But because they know and nobody bothered asking how I am.
I’ve considered getting help but what’s been on my mind lately is trying to find anything about me worth saving. If I get help, then what? I know it’s probably said a lot but I’ve failed at every plan I’ve ever had and everyone has watched it happen. I used to go through one failure and say “fuck it, I’ll try something else.” Now even before the inevitable happens I think “Did you really fucking think you could do something like that?” and of course, crash and burn.
I feel like a loser because, well, I am. But lately instead of suicide being something I feel like I’m forced to do because I have no other option, I find the thought of it feels more like a relief. Like being able to go to bed after working myself stupid. It’s never felt like that before. I have family that I’m sure would be upset but where are they? I don’t need them when I’m gone. I need somebody now and nobody even calls, comes by, or really makes much contact. I think I’m fine being nothing more than a fading memory. My wife knows I’m not ok but for some reason divorce seems like the best decision for her. She asked if there’s anything I’d like to take with me if that happens but I have a feeling I won’t be needing any of it.
I’m not sure what I’m trying to get out of this but for some reason I feel like there is something about me worth living for. I just hope I can find it soon or it finds me. If you made it to the end of this, thank you!! It almost makes me happy knowing you did.
 

the.end.ish

Misknown Member
#3
Have you told her how she made you feel like she brushed you off and doesn't care? That you need support? Have you mentioned any of this to your family?

I think it's about working together to reach the goal you both want, which is to get healthy and to feel better and to not want to die every moment. She can't just hand you a bottle of meds and be like, there, go fix it. A lot of people want the easy fix... and the ultimatum she gave you is harsh.

I'm sure there's a lot more history and context that I'm missing out on but I think the above dialogue I mentioned needs to be had..

Also, are you willing to get professional help?

I think it's also important to note that you can't force someone else to be there for you. Sometimes family or spouses or friends just don't have the capacity to help in the way you need. This is something I learned the hard way.

That's why a big community of support is important... And I think you're starting in the right place here! Of course there's something about you worth living for.

I'm very familiar with crushing feeling of failure... I'm also at the point where trying seems ridiculous, because I know it'll end in anxiety, then foolishness, then misery.

But somehow... I still have an inkling of hope... and I think I hang onto that inkling to the point I strangle it.. but it gets me through the next phase of my life.

Ah, I wrote an essay again...
 

Nick

☆☆Admin-tastic ☆☆
Admin
SF Social Media
SF Artist
SF Supporter
#4
Your wife set an ultimatum. In a rather cold way, but she did make what she needed clear. It is possible she is scared for your and doesn't know what else to do. People do odd things when they are watching those they love crumble before their eyes. It might not be as cold as it seems, she might not be able to deal with it. I'm not trying to make excuses for her here, but point out another view. It doesn't change that it hurt you. Telling her that reaction hurt you isn't wrong.

You're not okay. You say you're not okay. Do you need some direction on where to reach out for help? Are you willing or wanting to do that? Do you want to try medication? I don't know where live or what country you're in, and the answer to how to go about all that differs by country. If you aren't willing to go the route of getting help, than what do you want? There's nothing wrong with trying to get help, you know? You're surrounded by people here who get it.
 
#5
I was told a few days ago by my wife, the only person in my life that I give a shit about, that I need help. And not only will she not help me find that help, but she wants proof (in the form of receipts, medication bottles and whatnot) that I’m getting that help or else in the next month or so we will reevaluate where we are at and if I haven’t done what she wants me too, that a divorce is likely.
I’ve thought about suicide almost daily for the past 20 or so years and about 6 months ago she came across something and asked about it. I was humiliated and embarrassed beyond belief but admitted that yes, I do consider that an option (but she has no idea how serious an option it is). However afterwards I felt so fucking relieved that I wasn’t the only one that knew that about me. Unfortunately nothing else was said about it and again I was alone with those thoughts. When I think about it, I hope she never told anybody else. Not because of how I would feel that somebody else knows. But because they know and nobody bothered asking how I am.
I’ve considered getting help but what’s been on my mind lately is trying to find anything about me worth saving. If I get help, then what? I know it’s probably said a lot but I’ve failed at every plan I’ve ever had and everyone has watched it happen. I used to go through one failure and say “fuck it, I’ll try something else.” Now even before the inevitable happens I think “Did you really fucking think you could do something like that?” and of course, crash and burn.
I feel like a loser because, well, I am. But lately instead of suicide being something I feel like I’m forced to do because I have no other option, I find the thought of it feels more like a relief. Like being able to go to bed after working myself stupid. It’s never felt like that before. I have family that I’m sure would be upset but where are they? I don’t need them when I’m gone. I need somebody now and nobody even calls, comes by, or really makes much contact. I think I’m fine being nothing more than a fading memory. My wife knows I’m not ok but for some reason divorce seems like the best decision for her. She asked if there’s anything I’d like to take with me if that happens but I have a feeling I won’t be needing any of it.
I’m not sure what I’m trying to get out of this but for some reason I feel like there is something about me worth living for. I just hope I can find it soon or it finds me. If you made it to the end of this, thank you!! It almost makes me happy knowing you did.
I feel your pain
I to am at that point but for some reason I keep going.
Please find someone to talk to.
If it helps since I found this forum a few days ago it has helped to at least be.
Just that there are others out there who feel your pain.
For it’s worth I care
 

TreeShade17

Well-Known Member
#6
There is always someone that can be the light that helps you and pulls you out of this darkness and you may find them whether it’s now or later in your life sometime these things come along unexpectedly and I’m sure plenty of good people here want you to pull out of this as I do. I know how you feel maybe not to the same to degree and of alike situation but I’ve also felt like nobody cares or will help I hope you find the help you need to be here and be happy and there’s always this place you can find for support I wish you luck and take care *hug
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#7
i as @Nick am going to play devils advocate. i'm sure your wife didn't just decide one day that you need to get help or get a divorce. she probably has been dealing with this for a while and can't take the stress anymore. she doesn't know how to help you so she's trying to force you to get help. and if you've been suicidal for 20 years then you obviously need some help.

i know that she hurt you but it could end up having a good outcome. if you are ready to get help tell your wife that. ask her to work with you to try to get better. i think she only wants you to be happy and safe. this may not be the end but a good new beginning. i hope thngs work out for you...mike...*hug*console*shake
 
#8
I feel your pain. I told my wife when we first started dating that i suffered from depression and anxiety. So not to surprise her later on. But I didn’t tell her the full extent, that I thought about suicide offen. When we got married my mental health got worse. She would say I needed help and that she would help me to find someone who could but never did. She blamed my illness for my marriage going south. I finally have a good therapist and taking medication once again, and after trying to be a better husband. She still asked for a divorce. When she did my soul was broken. I wasn’t in a great mental space before she asked for divorce and this made it worse. About a week after she asked for a divorce, I set everything into motion to end my life. But thank god for my therapist, she talked me down. I still think about it but that was the closest I ever came to doing it.
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#9
Hi there, welcome to SF.
I'm sorry to hear about your wife.
I'm not sure how the relationship with your wife has been otherwise here. I wish we had some other background. A part of me is reading this as "cold and uncaring" and another part of me is reading it as "you need to do the work". There's no way for us to know if she's not interested in being married to you anymore and she's "using this", for lack of better words, to get out of the marriage because she knows you won't get any help. It could also be the same sort of thing, though, where like you want your kid to pay for their car or tuition because they'll get more out of that if they've worked for it. You do the work to find that therapist and you're going to make the appointment and show up and put in the work to make it happen, right?
I wish there was something that any of us could say that would make you feel better about what is going on but I'm not sure that can happen. What I do know is that you don't have much to lose here. You've been feeling really shit for a very long time. Getting help can only make you feel better right? If you don't get help you're surely going to feel worse because then your wife either leaves like she says she will and you feel utterly terrible and quite potentially kill yourself as you've been thinking about so seriously or she doesn't leave but is scared, angry and resentful afterwards and that shows up in your relationship now. Neither of those are ideal. I vote on the former, of course. Nothing to lose there except the financial loss of the therapy and medication. How's that looking to you?
 

extraterrestrialone

untwisting the pretzel
SF Supporter
#10
I was told a few days ago by my wife, the only person in my life that I give a shit about, that I need help. And not only will she not help me find that help, but she wants proof (in the form of receipts, medication bottles and whatnot) that I’m getting that help or else in the next month or so we will reevaluate where we are at and if I haven’t done what she wants me too, that a divorce is likely.
I’ve thought about suicide almost daily for the past 20 or so years and about 6 months ago she came across something and asked about it. I was humiliated and embarrassed beyond belief but admitted that yes, I do consider that an option (but she has no idea how serious an option it is). However afterwards I felt so fucking relieved that I wasn’t the only one that knew that about me. Unfortunately nothing else was said about it and again I was alone with those thoughts. When I think about it, I hope she never told anybody else. Not because of how I would feel that somebody else knows. But because they know and nobody bothered asking how I am.
I’ve considered getting help but what’s been on my mind lately is trying to find anything about me worth saving. If I get help, then what? I know it’s probably said a lot but I’ve failed at every plan I’ve ever had and everyone has watched it happen. I used to go through one failure and say “fuck it, I’ll try something else.” Now even before the inevitable happens I think “Did you really fucking think you could do something like that?” and of course, crash and burn.
I feel like a loser because, well, I am. But lately instead of suicide being something I feel like I’m forced to do because I have no other option, I find the thought of it feels more like a relief. Like being able to go to bed after working myself stupid. It’s never felt like that before. I have family that I’m sure would be upset but where are they? I don’t need them when I’m gone. I need somebody now and nobody even calls, comes by, or really makes much contact. I think I’m fine being nothing more than a fading memory. My wife knows I’m not ok but for some reason divorce seems like the best decision for her. She asked if there’s anything I’d like to take with me if that happens but I have a feeling I won’t be needing any of it.
I’m not sure what I’m trying to get out of this but for some reason I feel like there is something about me worth living for. I just hope I can find it soon or it finds me. If you made it to the end of this, thank you!! It almost makes me happy knowing you did.
You're making me think of how my siblings never get in touch. I think I reached out more than they and kinda feel like damned if I'll reach out again. I know my wife is kind of over done with my issues but has not given any ultimatums. So what if we had a party and invited everyone? Could you do that? It actually wouldn't work in our case bc the apartment is so dilapidated and she wont be caught dead with other people coming over, but still i wonder about that. that might be a connection stimulating kind of thing. conversation is bound to spring up - with my relatives anyway. so it just popped into my mind so i though i’d mention it. it could turn things around and even if former connections did not get renewed it still might put a new light on things. for me, i think my relatives are all in denial so maybe they each suffer as much as i. there could be common bonds and something good come - as i see it. just a thought. hope you don’t mind my mentioning it.
 

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