Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AfraidofMyself, Apr 22, 2007.

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  1. And that's the date.
    I have it planned.
    No backing out this time.
    I can't be helped.

    See, I'm too shy to actually ask for mental help. I'm too poor to be able to afford it.
    I can't find a job.
    My boyfriend has left me after 6+ years of being together.
    My mother ran away from my family.
    My father is too controlling of my life.
    See, I'm stuck.
    And this has only gotten worse.

    I've already written things down. I have roughly three weeks. The day was chosen for a couple of reasons and I wish it came sooner.

    I'm not bothered by people being hurt by my actions. I know I'm being selfish and I'm content with that. Everyone has always said it will get better and I'm here to say it doesn't. It never has gotten better. I've let myself down.
    I feel a lot more at ease now that the date is finally set. I feel like a giant burden has been lifted and all I have to do now is prepare and wait.
    I still feel lost though but it'll go away soon. I won't have to worry any more. I won't hurt others after they get over the initial shock.
  2. LostMyMind

    LostMyMind Well-Known Member

    Your user name describes myself pretty well.
  3. butterfly12274

    butterfly12274 Well-Known Member

    I pretty much fear myself as well at some points. Really, just saying "no, don't, ..." all the time when looking/grabbing certain things.

    so uh... :hug: I don't know what to say. I guess I hope things miraculously get better, I myself am not quite in a state to actually reason about things so I, I don't know. :smile:

    Take care
  4. AlwaysRain

    AlwaysRain Active Member

    Hey, it's not that bad, really.
    I was in similar situation a few weeks ago and people here helped me a lot.
    Tell us about yourself, what do you do?
    Where do you live?
    Do you go to school?
    What did you try to find a job? Why is that so hard?
  5. What do I do? Absolutely nothing. I am a waste of human flesh.
    I live in a little town in WV (in the US).
    I will officially go through graduation May 12, 2007 to receive my associates in psychology.
    I wanted a job so I could move, to continue school, to eventually live with my now-ex-boyfriend (long distance). I guess since this place is so small positions are already filled. That and I assume some places feel I'm over-qualified to work a simple cash register job or something. I really don't know. I've applied to every place around.

    I've pretty much diagnosed myself. Oh, I know what's "wrong" with me.
    Part of this depression is hereditary though. My father's father committed suicide. My father is a very depressed man. If I were to survive on and have children I would only be hurting others by passing these traits along.
  6. Syd

    Syd Guest

    You're only 19, your life is just beginning. You may find a great job later on, a good group of friends, and a partner you truly love who cares about you. All of this is possible, but if you end your life, all possibilities are cut off forever.

    If it ends now, many who were close to you will always wonder what could've been..
  7. What exactly do you think your father would do if his daughter left like that? You said you didnt want to make any pain for other people didnt you?

    The way to beat depression and this "hereditary" disease is to keep living, move to somewhere where the grass is greener, so-to-speak. You will make friends if you show yourself for who you truly are, and i dont know if there's a better "mental help" in life than friends, they're honest and actually care about you, not about your money.

    Talk to your father, don't be afraid to cry with him, his controlling of your life is merely him protecting the one person who hasn't left him yet, even when your chest is beating hard and your throat choking up (you said you were shy) keep saying what you need to say, you can't regret being honest and open, you can't regret it if he doesnt open up with you, it's what YOU do that matters.
  8. Whatever you decide to do, I hope the best for you. Six years is a long time to be in a relationship, only to have it end. I'm still grieving over a one-month relationship which ended suddenly and unexpectantly, which was my first relationship, so I can't imagine the pain you are experiencing. I hope your life improves for you :hug:
  9. AlwaysRain

    AlwaysRain Active Member

    Forget that boyfriend. If he doesn't appreciate you he doesn't deserve you!
    You still can move anywhere.
    Can't find a job in your small town? Don't tell that that you have a degree.
    When my dad came here with Ph.D degree he couldn't find a job too, then he simply removed it from his resume and had better success.
    Don't tell you're waste of flash. You've got a degree in psychology, you want to study more and eventually you'll become one to help people. Nothing can be more noble than that.
    Hang in there and you'll see that life is beautiful. I promise :smile:
  10. KathyLynnKilroy

    KathyLynnKilroy Active Member

  11. I'm tired of being this person I am. There was no point in my living. I have lived too long and wasted too much of other's time.

    No, I don't want to make people suffer but, see, pain from a loved one's death eventually fades somewhat. No, it can't be forgotten, but people can heal from that. I am selfish. I don't care that he will hurt for a little while, to be quite honest. I'm past caring. Things will be taken care of. He's a strong man, he'll deal with it and move on to better things; he will heal just fine. He told me today he's feeling really good about himself again. My actions will only cause a minor set-back. I feel bad for saying this; I have to be honest about my feelings.

    Not to be rude, you don't know him. You don't know our relationship and why it has ended. I know it's the "right" thing to say in the situation...but, in all honesty, it's silly to say to me. He did/does appreciate me. I agree he doesn't deserve me--he deserves better.

    Thank you all for trying to be kind and caring.
    I'm selling my pets. I'll leave all of my money to my father. Boxing up my ex's things for him to pick up or to be sent off to him. My writings are very specific about things so nobody will be left with unanswered questions. Today I've felt really good about this. Nearing the end is not really that bad for me. I guess I've wanted it to long that now that I've set everything up it's like nothing else needs to be worried about in life.
    I'm know I'm being selfish, unkind, cold, and so many other things. Like I said, I'm past caring. It won't matter to me after I'm gone. I know people will be hurt but people heal from these sorts of things. Communities, especially this small and close, always pull in to help the family.
    I guess I just wanted to talk about it and found this place to be fit for it. I do hope everyone heals from their pain and finds solutions to life other than a way out.
  12. AlwaysRain

    AlwaysRain Active Member

    no, please, don't do it so soon. :sad:
    wait a little bit more.
    wait another week or 2, maybe you'll change your mind.
    this exit (suicide) is always near, you can do it any time.
  13. Syd

    Syd Guest

    In respect of your decision, I'll not attempt to further impose upon your wishes to journey onward from life.

    I am sorry to hear that things have been so hard for you, and hope that you will find peace and solace through whatever path you take from here. Do what is best for you.

    When you leave, don't do so in anger or sadness, but with a sense of freedom. Remember life once again. Think of your childhood, love, dreams, inspiration. This is who you truly are, and who you'll always be, no one can take that from you. I believe your heart will give you the courage then, and you'll be ready to depart.
  14. The date is so close.
    I talked with the guy a few days back. We're trying to work things out for now. I still want to die though; this is not about him.
    I somehow let enough slip that he figured it out. He begged me not to though I semi-denied it. I told him I wouldn't but I don't know if I can help myself now. I'm becoming torn on this decision and I'm not sure what is the right thing to do now.
    Today was such a horrible day.
    I just want to crawl in a hole and never come back out.
    I want to disappear.

    I wish I was not me. I really wish I was some other person. I wish my life hadn't went like this. I wish I hadn't followed this path. I wish I wasn't shoved in this direction.
    I am so confused.
  15. Do you still feel this way, AoM?
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