08 - Time for change?

Discussion in 'Domestic Abuse' started by Wormling, Jan 1, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Wormling

    Wormling Well-Known Member

    Hello everyone. I have been told time and time again by some people that I should disown my family and have nothin to do with them, but I don't think my situation calls for that. I don't quite know what to do with my family though, so I will try to give all of you an insight into what my family life was like so that you are better informed to give me advice.

    K here we go.

    Firstly, some people say that I was physically abused when growing up, but it was just the norm for me so I don't know if it is abuse. To discipline me, at times I would get spankins, but at other times, I have been belted, struck with objects and such. I have also been tied down, restrained, and locked in rooms. It was just how I was disciplined. That in itself I don't care about, it doesn't bother me. As I said, it was just normal for me growing up. Well, moving beyond that, I have strong dislike of my younger brother. He and I have a history (i won't get into that here) but most of the time growing up, he and I would get into fistfights. He was always the baby, and the favourite of my parents. So, I couldn't do anything, even defend myself against him, or I would be punished. My younger brother took advantage of this and would break things I care about and steal from me. I remember a few christmas presents that I really really loved and cherished, he stole or broke. With years of having everything I cared for destroyed, I have never really cared for anything since. Well, the fighting got so bad that my younger brother started to really get violent, especially around high school. He started robbing people, doing drugs and alcohol (at 16 and maybe younger), vandalism, and even stealing cars. I couldn't do anything abut it and had to let him do what he wanted. Well, he started to bring weapons like baseball bats in to fight with me, and he would hit me with metal rods. Well, I stopped him when I was 17 a few times, and so my family kicked me out on the streets with the clothes on my back. I was thankfully able to move into my best friends bedroom with him for several months and his family basically adopted me at that time. But after a few months, I moved out with my older brother into his apartment with his friends and lived in his closet for half a year. I have since worked my way up to going to college all on my own, I have my own apartment, and I am doing relatively well. My family has done very little to help me out at all, though both my brothers still live with my parents (once I moved out of my older brothers apartment, he moved back in with my parents). They have all been living in a nice mansion, with thousand doller pillow top beds, 30k doller and more vehicles, 5k doller oil paintings, ect (they have like almost a million dollars worth of stuff). They all live there, get everything paid for 100 percent and have everything given to them. My family gives me maybe a few presents at christmas and maybe talks to me once a month. If I call them, they mostly tell me they are too busy watching tv o eating and can't talk to me and then hang up. This year, I spent two whole paychecks on my family and my best friend for xmas presents. I got two small presents total from my family. Both combined are less than what I spent on 1 present for my mom.

    Well, I am kind of rambling and probably don't make much sense, but hopefully that gives some insight into my family. There is a lot, lot more that I am not talking about (my dad throwing things, punching holes in the wall, breaking my moms fav items, my abusive grandparents, being raped by someone I know, and much more)

    So are my current friends right? should I never speak to my family again and have nothing to do with them? I think I love my parents and older brother, and I think they love me, I think they just don't love me that much? or don't know how to care? I don't know...

    It upsets me a lot when I think about stuff like this and it is hard for me to write this stuff. There is so much stuff that is painful, so much I want to say, stuff I don't want to say, stuff I want to forget. It is hard to write it all logically in order. So sorry if it doesn't make sense. I did my best, I was actually shaking while writing this and it felt like there was a knot tightening tighter and tighter in my stomache -_-
  2. Wormling

    Wormling Well-Known Member

    I thought I might add how they have been acting lately. Well, when I had my first (and only so far) gf, my parents acted completely surprised and said 'oh! you're not gay?!' I am not gay, have never had a boyfriend and don't know why they thought I was gay. Lately, instead of wearing jeans and a crappy tshirt like I used to, and like my brothers do, I have been wanting to dress better and look better. So I have been wearing some nice clothes I thought. Sometimes I wear a business casual look if I am going to college, or if I am going to dinner or something, I have been wearing some nice khakis with a tucked in matching top and matching belt/shoes, and maybe a cool sweater on top. Like I got as a gift a hand made red wool sweater from someone who went to ireland. It looks really good and goes well withb the khakis. When I wear nice outfits to my family (when I visit them) my brothers and mostly my parents tell me such things as 'youre gay', what are you trying to be' a college prfesser? more like a gay old man, you're a gay ****** old man. Why is it they say this if I dress up but don't say it when I dress down in worn out jeans and tshirt? I don't understand them.
  3. Your family sounds awful. They shouldn't be presuming about your sexuality like that. In the meantime, my suggestion is for you to try to avoid them as much as possible. When you do meet a lovely girlfriend, surprise them by introducing them to her. Then they will see that you are not gay. Eh, probably not the best advice, though it would be nice to prove them wrong.
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2008
  4. lfdy

    lfdy Active Member

    wormling. you are not alone. our pasts sound quite similar. my family was very dysfunctional. my mum was always depressed, my dad beat her, he beat us even more. he punched holes in doors which were meant for our heaads but we ducked in time, he whipped us and did lots of weird stuff. he was heavily into porno which screwed our minds, he had fascinations with cameras, it was only when i left home when i was 19 that i realised that it wasnt normal behaviour to bath in the dark or hide in wardrobes to get dressed etc. totally screwed up my head. i too was raped. my grandmother also abused me. she gave me my first smoke when i was 8 and my first straight vodka when i was 9. i got into alot of troubel as a teenager. i had no fear of death. still paying the price for it now though. so many deep scars. i am now 38 years of age and still struggling. my sister was diagnosed with schizophrenia last year after 3 suicide attempts. she couldnt cope with my parents. for her she had to cut off all ties with the family in order to survive, even me. i havent heard from her since the day she phoned me to say she had taken an overdose and how sorry she was and that she loved me. i was at work and over an hour away. i didnt want her to die so i phoned for an ambulance and the police broke down her door and she was saved in time, but she never forgave me for that. she said i should have let her go. but i just couldnt at the time. i know i was being selfish. i am only telling you this because at the moment i have heard that she has now got a part time job and is holding it together with medication. she has removed the negative input in her life and sadly that was her family. only you know what you should do. personally i have been able to forgive my parents for all the damage they did to me when i was growing up, my mum thoough still wont say sorry as she says that she wasnt a bad mother, i was just a bad daughter. but my dad accepted his responsibilty in my screwed up life and that has made it easier for me to move on. i hope this helps you in some way. if there is anything you want to ask, feel free. so many people have been here for me on this forum and i want to give something back.
  5. Wormling

    Wormling Well-Known Member

    Thanls for the replies. I am going to try some of the suggestions I got in tells. I will completely cut off my attempts to be family with my family and see what happens (ie don't call them, don't drive 50 miles up to see them, ect) If they call me, and show interest in being a good family maybe I can salvage our relationship? They can be really good at times, and at others make me feel like crawling up into a ball and crying my eyes out. I have tried to speak with them about their insults, but it didn't help any.
  6. Wormling

    Wormling Well-Known Member

    I cut off all contact with everyone I know. Deleted all their phone numbers from my phone, and so far only my older brother, my best friend, and people from work have called me... So, I guess I will never talk to my friends of 7 years or my parents, younger brother, aunt, uncle, cousins, or anyone else ever again... They don't want anything to do with me... then fine... :mad:
  7. daytona0

    daytona0 Active Member

    You sound like a nice guy.. Trouble is nice involves looking out for other people even if they dont look out for you.

    The most important thing you can do is to be true to yourself, you have independance and your shaping your own life and experiences from this. Your know the old cliché 'nice guys finish last'? Well if to finish first is to become a drug addicted vandal (brother) or a disrespectful (to say the least) parent you may as well not enter the race in the first place :laugh:

    Dont cut off contact with them, just dont contact them. In the end they are your family and after reading through it your family could be worse than that (assuming there is little to add)
  8. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    We can't choose what family we're born into but you can definitely axe them out of your life if you want to.

    Always be true to yourself. Relatives are often family by name not by heart.
  9. Wormling

    Wormling Well-Known Member

    Bleh. I have still cut off contact with every one of my blood relations except my parents, and my older brother. I speak to my parents about once a month now, and we mainly just say hi, and leave it at that. I don't think they know how to have a normal, healthy relationship with me, and I don't have much of anything to say to them, so that is why we just talk on the phone for a few minutes and leave it as that. My older brother though, I have been hanging out with a lot lately. We have been getting along great, and since I cut off ties with most of my friends, he has become like my new best friend. Even though he lives 50 miles away from me, I see him about twice a week. He was one of the only ones recently to make it to my 23rd birthday party, and tried to make it the best he could. He also went out of his way, and over his financial limits, to try to give me more presents than he could. I think he did this to try to cheer me up because my "friends" didn't get me anything. Other than my parents paying for a dinner of mine, and the money from my older brother, no one gave me anything this year for my birthday. I don't mind too much, because it is the thought that matters, but therein lies the problem. Only my parents, my aunt, my older brother, my "best friend", who I have thought about cutting off ties with, and 1 other friend, wished me a happy birthday. Everyone else never called or sent an email. They just didn't care. Bleh, I am rambling and going off the topic I wanted to talk about.

    I think I need help. I really care about my older brother and have been strengthening our relationship, but now, he has confided in me, that he plans to die. If he does, I WILL DIE. I already tried once before and have been getting better, for the most part. But, I know I wont make it if he kills himself. Even talking about it with him, I am dying inside. I don't think I have the courage to tell anyone in real life, and I wouldn't betray his trust. I know I should tell people that my brother and I are suicidal, but I just can't. So, all I can do is come here and try to let it all out and hope he doesn't kill us both.
  10. Wormling

    Wormling Well-Known Member

    I spoke to carol and got some help. She confirmed that I need to tell someone in real life, and since I WONT call one of these suicide help lines, or in some other way risk myself, or my brother being arrested or imprisoned as lunatics in a mental ward, I am trying to find a good, affordable psychiatrist near us in Washington state. I still don't health insurance or anything, but I have $6000 I have saved up that I was thinking of buying a car with, but can use for a psyc.
  11. Firstly, I'm 'glad' that you are now having limited contact with your family - it is necessary sometimes, but we are rarely taught this. "Tough Love" can actually go both ways, but more than this, it's ultimately beneficial for you (and no one is better suited to take care of your 'needs' than yourself - which is by no meanas "selfish", but rather, "self-care").

    As a general rule, people that are in the habit of being manipulative and controlling do not give that up, remain unaware of it, nevermind being unaware of the damage it can truly cause - never acknowledging it. It's sad, but true. As for your brother, whom you care deeply about - it sounds (I hope I'm not 'presuming', but it could well be likely) that he, still in close range to your family, is experiencing the effects of the damage that is still going on. It's good he has you "on his side", but he too, will need to seek help.

    As for yourself (or for your brother as well), living in The States - perhaps it would be worthwhile to see if there are any places that work with you "on a sliding scale" for their fees - depending on your income - instead of using your savings. They will only charge you a certain amount... It could be worth investigating, for your own benefit, even though they may be few and far between - Google your community resources, or go to the Yellow Pages, and do a little "Telephone Tag". Or perhaps there are some local agencies/organizations that could help provide you with more information.

    All in all though, I think it's a "positive" thing that you are engaging in seeking help. I do hope you find something suitable for yourself - it may be daunting, but the energy used for this, while hard to find sometimes, is well placed...

    <edit> Sorry, this is a bit long...Another thing to consider in finding help is someone who will be able to see you on a regular basis - as often as you feel comfortable with. Sometimes, they may only be able to see you, for instance, once a month. And I think it might be more helpful to go more often. Another thing is that if you succeed in finding a place that works on a sliding scale - the placement may be more limited, and you will be put on a "waiting list" - don't let this discourage you - and perhaps, try to find as many such places as possible so that the odds are better for getting in sooner (of course, call the others back to let them know, as their spaces will be in demand). As well, you may ask to be put on a "cancellation list", so that if someone cancels their appointment, they will call you with that time now available - that is, if you have such flexibility in your schedule...
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2008
  12. Wormling

    Wormling Well-Known Member

    Thanks everyone for the support ^_^ I am definately doing better atm, and am just letting you all know that I am going on a 5 day vacation with my brother. So, I will see you all again in about a week. Until then, stay safe, and have fun ^_^
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.