1 step forward then, 10 steps back!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Leiaha, Jan 3, 2009.

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  1. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    I take one tiny step forward and get kicked back ten. This happens far 2 regularly for it to be mere coincidence, 2 much like clockwork. God forbid something good should happen Becos that means total catastrophe will follow!

    Yesterday was a perfect example. I woke up feeling pretty ok actually. Then a neighbour brought me a late christmas gift . . . All good stuff. Then. . . BAM!! last nite something really bad happened!

    In april my daughter and her hubby invited me on holiday with them, all expenses paid. I worked and worked all year at getting out long enough 2 get there. Might have done it too but, what do you know, a couple of days before, my dog came down with meningitis! He nearly died. I didnt even know dogs could get meningitis.

    Do you see where i'm going with this? My belief is that my destiny is 2 kill myself. . I AM predestined 2 kill myself. When i forget this for even a moment or, begin 2 change my mind. . . . WHACK!! Fate slaps me back on track in an instant just 2 make me do it.
  2. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    I'm scared 2 hope or be happy now cos i know something awful will happen.

    I spent the whole of last night locked in my bedroom terrified Becos of what happened. A HUGE reminder. I wont forget again after that. I'm not strong enough for any more slaps. I know when i'm beaten :(.
  3. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Ah well. So be it... It doesnt matter much anyway. Just thought i'd "share" with u all. X
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 3, 2009
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I'm sorry Leiaha, I read your post a while ago. I didn't know how to reply. I hope you feel better soon :hug:
  5. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    I pretty much guarantee i will . Thanks lynn x
  6. Speck

    Speck Well-Known Member

    Leiaha i'm sorry that your struggling right now.
    Hows your dog doing?
    It does always seem like when something good is going to happen, a host of bad things come along to throw you right back where you started.

    Hang in there x
  7. Rockster

    Rockster Guest

    Leiaha, please don't give up.... Not after the chat we had today you can't, i need you around, and your daughter does too.....
  8. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    So like i just said in my members diary, i'm just tying up loose ends. No need for anyone 2 reply.
    Marc, u are an angel! U dont need me, you are destined for great things :) i will resist the urge 2 text u but, not Becos i dont care, i do, but Becos we both know u want to talk me out of it an, i dont want u 2! Thankyou for everything.
    Lea :hug:
  9. MeAndYou

    MeAndYou Well-Known Member

    Leiaha PLEASE dont do this. Life is ALWAYS going to have storm clouds...and disasters. Its bound to happen. What matters is whether or not you choose to rebuild after every single one, stronger. Right now you are basically saying you dont want to rebuild when everyone here already wants to help you lay down the first brick. Dont give up. sometimes..time is the best remedy. PM me if you want to talk about things. :)

  10. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    im so sorry that your struggling but please dont give in. you are such a strong person to get this far with everything. try to take everything a day at a time and im sure that there are good things in the day when you think about them that can make you want to hold on and not give into the urges. i know its hard honey but you cant let all the horrible things, in whatever shape or form they come in, win x
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