1 week to go

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by White Dove, Jun 30, 2007.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Well i have 1 week left.

    I will celebrate this 4 th of july as the best day i can have. I will pretend everything is all bright and happy in my life. i will not let others know that deep down inside my heart is bleeding. it is tearing apart with a force i can not stop. No one would care at all where i am at or what i am doing. this according to them and their thinking is nothing but a stunt for attention. They are not right in their thinking and are so far from the truth of how i feel.

    I can not shake this deep hurtful feelings i have. i just do not see how it can ever be healed. i have way too much damage to my heart. there is too many tears. there is too much hurt feelings.

    Sunday July 8 is my last day here on this earth. i will go to the place of the sunset and end it all. At one time this would have been the hardest desicion i ever had to make but now as the hurting gets harder and harder to endure the desicion gets easier and easier to make. I now have 10 times more then what i took the last time. This attempt will be my last attempt cause i intend to succeed in it. It not like anyone would miss me. it really is for the best for all concered.

    What i will be doing is doing everyone a favor. if i am not here then i can not hurt others. i often hurt others without meaning to do so. i can do nothing right well this time i can do something right.

    It is a battle between which pain is causeing me the most hurt. the physical pain of this cancer is like a hard cramp that will not go away. it feels like there is something crawling inside my body and no way to stop the feeling. the cramping feelings are like tight knots in my body that never release. it is almost like a cramp in your leg that makes one get up out of bed yet there is no end in the pain. The emotional pain is just as bad because my heart hurts. it hurts with lonelyness. it hurts with knowing that not one person cares about what happens to me. the pain is unending. the feelings of lonelyness, heartlessness, aching pain of knowing i am unloved. knowing that no one could ever love me, knowing that i am useless and can do nothing wrong. knowing that people shy away from me because they think i am a nut case and so they stay away from me. ity is like i have an unpartnable disease that no one can see this pain i am in. they can not feel it and they can not understand it. i can not understand it myself.

    Maybe God chose this path for me. maybe this is what was meant to be. if i had known that when others saved me on my last attempt that my life would begin with such a lot more pain and agony then i would have made sure my last attempt would have succeeded in taking my life. Bringing me back did nothing but put more pain upon my already broken heart. Why did you do it? why bring me back and make me suffer more? if you had every intention of not forgiving me then why bring me back. you give me a second chance but yet you gave me hell ever since then. things changed. your attitude changed for me from being a loving bunch of people to being mad at me all the time. to not being able to see that i had a deep hurt inside me that has continued and grown with an unbelievable force that can not be stopped.

    Where was the love when i needed it? Where were you when i needed you? i need you now but you are not here. where is your christian love to help me combat this deadly force with deadly conquiences? its not there. you abandoned me because you thought it was the right thing to do. Well did it ever accure to you that you may be wrong? Did it ever accure to you that doing what you think is right is really the wrong way because you do not understand my true pain. my true feelings. my deep hurt upon my heart. my illness. my fears. you do not understand so how can you know what you are doing is right? When you see me lying in my casket next week will you believe then?

    i am nothing but a spot upon you and others. i am nothing but a piece that belongs on the other side away from you. without me here i can do no more damage. without me here you will be set free. a phone call. just a phone call could have made all the difference. but you go on and think about how much you are doing the right thing while i carry out my intentions and be laid to rest next week.
     
  2. Cath

    Cath Staff Alumni

    The minister, his wife and everyone else from that church are a bunch of heartless bastards. They have got a lot of praying to do to get forgiveness from god.

    You are not alone everyone from here cares about you and what happens to you.
     
  3. winston

    winston Well-Known Member

    White Dove,

    I read with sadness.I've read this post and others you have posted recently and can only imagine the pain that you feel right now, and what saddens me the most, is that you're still a young woman who has so much to offer.The cards you have been dealt are cruel and I really do feel for you.

    I don't know you, and I never will, but to think that you feel the need to do what you feel is right next week, saddens me greatly.I'm not one for bullshit, and am not only offering these words for the sake of it, I'm speaking from my heart, as I honestly care.

    when I finished reading your posts, I viewed your profile to see if it offered any clues

    and got these

    Interests:
    Reading bible, fishing, camping, hiking.


    Honestly, It broke my heart.

    You enjoy reading the bible, and that truly is beautiful.In words there is hope, and the bible offers that and more.Even when you feel the most alone in the world, be sure and realise that others may not always be visible, but are certainly keeping a watching eye over you.

    Beauty isn't just in others-it's in everything.In the water, where you have no doubt enjoyed fishing, in the barren landscapes that surround the great areas where we go to hike and camp.But mostly, in yourself.

    You're not a bad person.Others have mistreated you, but a bad person wouldn't be like you are now, you feel weak and alone, and they are not the traits of a bad person.

    I hope you realise this, I hope you can find happiness somehow, I hope your prayers are answered, and above all, I hope you can find it within you to stick this out.

    I speak from my heart, white dove

    all my love

    Winston
     
  4. livingdeath

    livingdeath Active Member

    White Dove, I must say I agree with castyles:

    The people who have abandoned you are cruel. There are people on this site who know and understand the pain you feel. I know the agony of loneliness and abandonment. The best I can do is tell you that you are not alone. It breaks my heart to read your postings. When I read them, I know exactly how you feel. I know it is so very hard to hang on day after day.
    Feel free to private message me any time.
    Your friend
    Ld.
     
  5. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    i just do not know what to say about this reply.....

    to me thats what they are to me... but i also love them very much... I will never understand why things happen the way they happen. i will never understand how they can say they love me then just walk out of my life when i needed them the most.

    what i can understand was that i hurt them. i hurt them so much and really i guess i do not blame them. But what i do not understand is how can they not forgive? Unless they come here and read these words then they will never know what they did to me. I had lost all hope in both love and trust and then they came into my life. They taught me to trust again. They even told me they loved me and i would question them and say why? their reply would be well because we do or because it is gods way. Well i want to know is it also gods way to take someone like me who has a lot of emotional hurt and feelings and just litterly throw me away? Would Jesus do that?

    yes , i probably smothered them with too much love. and because of me and my stupid life of wanting to be loved because i never felt it from anyone before. i made mistakes. i made several choices that were wrong and i caused hurt but what is killing me on the inside is knowing that i caused the hurt and knowing that i can never undo the damage and that i will never have them back as friends. they want me out of their life well i am out of their life and soon will be out of everyone elses life also.

    They can just walk away. i on the other hand can not. I can not walk away because i truly loved them deep down in my heart. Even what is more bassiar is the fact that Elaines birthday is the same day as my dad and the ministers birthday is the same day as my mom was. How can i forget their birthdays when they have the same as my parents were.

    it hurts. it really hurts. i have been told many times to just forget them and go on with my life but if you love someone and i mean truly love someone you can not just forget about them. They left footprints upon my heart. so where are they now? off in their own little world. they dont think about me. they dont pray for me. they dont and never loved me. it was a trick. it was a lie and i was so stupid to fall for it all.

    people on another forum said i told a lie on the minister. i do not remember that or doing that. maybe my niece did something and i took the blame?? but rather i did that or my niece did it and i took the blame it was still wrong on my part. i am the one to blame. really i do not blame them. this whole mess is because of me. if i had died on my last attempt then i would not have been here to cause more pain.

    i am so ashamed of myself. i litterly hate myself. i hate what i have done. i hate what i have become. i cant be loved how could i ever be loved?? i cant even get a minister to forgive me let alone just be friends with me. how could anyone else? they know not this pain. This pain is real not a make believe pain. unless they come here and read these true words then they will never know the pain that is inside me. they will never know the deep emotional pain i have. they will say i am walling in my own self pity and other things like that. i know thats what they will say because they have said it before. And when i succeed this time they will say they tried to help me but i was beyond help. they will say there is nothing they could do for me but you know what there was something they could have done?? They could have just loved me.

    yes to me they are heartless and they are cold. they think only of themselves. they care not what it does to me or what they have done to me. They were my life ( besides god ) i thought . i really thought i had found a true love of two people who were like my own mom and dad because i was lonely and missing my mom. and i really miss her a lot. but they could not handel it. they have 4 kids of their own and really did not care at all about me. i was stupid. thats what it was. i was stupid to ever think i could ever be loved by them. it hurts. it cuts like a knife to my heart and they could care less.

    the words i speak here are true. they are the truth of my heart. they are the truth of my pain - well parts of what is causing my pain- and they are the truth of my hurting. to others that not know it is seeking attention or just pure evil but to God and to me and those online like me that know this pain is real. this hurting is real.... and i am glad that there is a place on the net where i can let out my true feelings and my true pain with others who hurt like me.
     
  6. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    winston hon let me just give a quick reply to you.

    yes i loved reading the bible and at times it was a comfort to me but now i am even losing my faith in God. i am starting to think that there really is not a God at all. and if there is then he would never let me in a fine place such as heaven because of all i have done.

    when you say that i am not a bad person and that others have mistreated me. you have no idea just how bad a person i was. if i wrote my past life in a book it would be full of things. i used to tell half truths. i lied several times mostly because of my emotional state and wanted to feel loved so i did things gosh i could just go on and on but believe me i am a bad person and i am worth nothing to no one or to a God of any kind.

    even if i do not take these next steps to take my life there is a cancer that will do it for me in less then 4 months so basically i am screwed. i am screwed out of this life rather i want it to be or not. that is whats driving me to do this. cant you see? cant you understand i do not want to suffer anymore? I hurt others and now i am getting paid back with such a pay back that it hurts.

    if they were to come around now how would i know or even believe it is true love? they would be here because they learned of my cancer and not because they really loved me. i dont want them to feel sorry for me. i want them TO SIMPLY LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM IN MY HEART.

    Yes i like to fish and camp but will never get to do that again. tell me one thing. if you had a kid that had a cancer that had spread so far in so short of time. that there was no end to it or no hopeto live. would you simply watch them die? watch them suffer? or would you want them to go to sleep and never wake up? what about the animals that are euthanised? why do they kill them? to stop their suffering. why do they not make them stay alive if it is so wrong to do so?


    sorry i tried to make it short.
     
  7. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    i know you can feel my pain and i know others here can feel it and understand it. but those who are christians can not understand and i doubt they ever would understand it. that is why each night i let a little of my pain out in the let it out section here. sometimes it seems to help at times other times it doesnt help at all. it may even be triggering to some cause what i post comes from my heart and is my true deep feelings at the moment. Heck i know i have even been accused of having mutipul personalities because my nieces ( 3 of them ) often used my puter for school work ( they say ) but often sent things and pretended to be me and i just let them do that. it looked bad for me and i often took the blame for several things they did but online here in the let it out section. i really let my true feelings out. my true self is in those words of pain and anger and my true self is in these words here.

    if it is not the emotional pain that puishes me it is the physical pain of this stupid cancer that i can not stop. So i have to let it out and i do.
     
  8. winston

    winston Well-Known Member

    Firstly, thanks for replying:smile:

    In the bible, we hear that god forgives, right?I really don't know what it is you've felt you've done wrong in your life, but I can assure you, what ever has gone wrong, you aren't to be regarded as a bad person, white dove.God doesn't judge, he will see you for the person you are-this brave, brave person who has come on here to confront her demons, and has shared the tales of her life with others.It's be appreciated, not looked down upon.

    You've experienced a lot more suffering and hurt than i have in my life, but people, young people, can look to people like you and be inspired by your honesty and your confronting with life's cruelties.I admire it, and so will others.No one is bad enough that they should feel the need to die alone, and I hope you can realise this, white dove:smile:

    I'm sorry that you have cancer, and have seen the effects of it first hand.Will treatment not help the case any longer, or has it come to far for you?Whatever happens, white dove, I hope you find it within your heart that yo don't deserve this.

    You don't deserve to feel alone in your current state-no one does.I hope you can find comfort from others, somehow, white dove, I really, really do.

    I'd hope someday soon, you go fish again, camp somewhere and hike somewhere.Whatever way things turn out, I hope you get to do these one last time, and know in your heart that you aren't the person you are feeling right now.

    If you need to talk, i plead with you to contact me, for I'll do all i can to help you in anyway possible.

    All my love

    Winston.
     
  9. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    when you say this "

    ** he will see you for the person you are-this brave, brave person who has come on here to confront her demons, and has shared the tales of her life with others.It's be appreciated, not looked down upon. **

    you dont even know half the story of my life here. you dont even know half of what all i have done, heck i cant even remember all of it myself. when you say confront my demons well that is exactly what im doing. how can you say that is to be appreciated? when others do look down upon me. i have tried to get their forgiveness and to just be friends once again but that will never happen. i have given up. i am to the point where i have to just give up on everything including my life. i am not brave in any way, i am just a person who has made a lot of mistakes many more mistakes then anyone else and i can not see God ever allowing me into that beautiful home of heaven. i have done too much , just too much.

    ** Will treatment not help the case any longer, or has it come to far for you? **

    with chemo and radiation both together it might help me for 6 more months but why would i want to try and survive for anyhow? i dont take any pain meds. it hurts often and feels like this cramp that continues to hurt. it often at times feels like there is bugs eating away inside my body and i can not stop them. like they are crawling around in there and i can not stop them. it begin in my ovaries and spread to my liver , gallbladder and left kidney. surgery could take the gallbladder , overies , and left kidney but not my liver.

    it spread fast. way too fast for me to even comprehend it. It is a battle i can not win unless by some miracle scientist invent a vaccine to stop it completly that would also heal the damage done to other parts of my body. You say i do not deserve it but i do... i hurt a lot of people. i let my nieces hurt others and i took the blame for it. maybe someday when they get older they will look back upon what they did and come forward and speak the truth of what they did and how they let me take the blame of their wrong doing.

    I do serve to be alone. i deserve to die alone. I just wanted them to forgive me. I just needed to know that they still loved me. But i have begun to realize that i am a selfish person. I need to let them go.. I am dying of a cancer that i can not stop. a cancer that i seen took my mom. They dont know i have it and unless they come here to see it then they will not ever know about it cause i will not tell them. i never wanted them to feel sorry for me and i dont want them to feel sorry for me now either.

    to come around now would mean that they are here just because they know i am dying or know i have cancer. that is not love to me... if they had truly loved me for real then they would have been here a long time ago... so i deserve to be alone. i deserve to die alone and in the place of the sunset i will die this sunday or as some may say go into the other diminsion.

    Thanks for your reply winston and you can pm anytime if you want to...
     
  10. Ampacity

    Ampacity Active Member

    Dear White Dove

    I'm sorry to hear you have cancer, my grandfather had it also. He lived with it for 2 years, the doctor when he was first diagnosed with it said he only had 6 months to live even with treatments. But i didn't want to post about just about him. Do you know the story of Paul, form the bible? How he use to kill the christains, that would be hard to forgive. Needless to say he was forgiven by Jesus himself. In the last post you said: "i can not see God ever allowing me into that beautiful home of heaven" I think you can get there, I mean if you have tried to find forgiveness then you have done your part.

    I to once doubted God only to find i was wrong, that is why i'm still here today trying to help.
     
  11. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    yes i know about paul ( saul ) from the bible. he did kill and persacute christians and was changed because of God. I myself am beginging to lose my faith even in the believe there is a God. I know it sounds bad to say that but i honestly am begining to believe that. Why would a God that is supopose to love us allow so much to be toward me? Why give me this stupid cancer? i just do not understand it. i used to be very strong in the Lord but now i am weak. so weak in it that my faith is lingering right now. i did manage to go to church this evening but did not take the lords supper. no need in taking it really. heck about 2 sundays ago i went to church drunk. first time i ever did that , but then again it was a bad weekend and i had gotten drunk all that weekend. i had even gotten called a whore at another online forum. - well it was an icon that was meant as a joke i think - but to me and me hurting it just pushed all the right buttons. then i went online to look for suicide notes and happen to come across this forum , so i joined and posted my true feelings.

    i also seen my mom die of cancer. and i held her hand several times and at several nights as she was throwing up. i just can not bear to see myself doing that or going through that. it has just been too much for me. nothing in my whole 35 years upon this earth has ever been right or went right for me. i have been dealt with so many hardships and it is time for me to just say enough is enough. and can you even believe it i have even had others tell me that no one goes through things like that all the time well they do and i have and its time to say quits.

    so i quit. i quit being a christian ( not good enough anyhow ) i quit living. i quit. sorry if this is too long. to truly know my pain you can read it here or in the let it out section.
     
  12. Ampacity

    Ampacity Active Member

    "so i quit. i quit being a christian ( not good enough anyhow ) i quit living."

    By no means there is no one good enough, we all make mistakes. Jesus did not die for nothing.


    You know i once thought why me. when i was a child something terrible happened to me. i fought alone for 6 years, honestly figured i was dead anyway.
    but thats not the point i'm going for sometimes God calms the storm and sometimes he calms you. In my case i think he let what happened to me happen because it would bring me closer to him .. i know thats hard to believe or even think about it took me 11 years to realize that.
     
  13. winston

    winston Well-Known Member


    White Dove, I must say, your story breaks my heart.

    You're a young woman, who knows the stuff she enjoys, yet has been troubled with the terrible cards she has been dealt in life.After replying to you the last couple of times, I left my computer with you still in my head, as did the others who have read your words, I'm sure.

    As said, despite things that you may have done in the past, you don't deserve to die for them now, and yes, you are most definitely to be appreciated.You feel alone, unloved and despaired, but within your ailing frame, you have projected honesty, heartfelt emotion and pain-all of which, are to be admired.Well, I can assure you that I admire you for what you've said on here.

    I sincerely hope you realise, that what ever way things turn out, all is forgiven at the end of the day, and no one is ever deemed to be a sinner if they realise it within themselves.You can do this, white dove, I know you can.I'm desperately sorry that you have encountered so much pain and rile throughout your life so far, and I hope you realise that others can realise your pain, and sympathise with you at this time of hurt.If people have hurt you, they must live with that, white dove, as you deserve so much more.No one in this world deserves to be alone in their life, no matter what they have done.

    Your sickness saddens me, and seeing the effects of cancer on some, i know, in short, the effects it can have on the poor sufferer.You don't deserve this, despite what you may say to yourself.You let your nieces do bad?the badness isn't your fault though, people do silly things all the time.If you give up now, it will sadden me to my inner core, but if you fight on just for a while, who knows what may happen?the true essence of god may arise, and miracles may happen.I'm not saying they will, but in this fucked up world of ours, whoever knows what's going to happen?

    They don't know of your cancer?But why not tell them?Sickness can change not only the sufferer but those who know the sufferer too.With sickness, comes realisation.Give them a chance, while giving yourself a chance too, white dove, you deserve it.

    I can't make you do anything, white dove, but i hope you understand my words are true and sincere from my heart.I wouldn't bullshit anyone, and certainly not someone like you.

    My instinct tells me you're a good woman, despite what may have happened in the past, and I do hope, in some way, you can see a future in this world.

    Just a chance.:smile:

    All my love

    Winston.
     
  14. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    if you have seen the effects of cancer then you know my pain from it. you know what the cramps are like.. what the crawling feeling of bugs inside my body is like.. you have seen what it does to someone...


    you tell me to go on and tell others about it... What you dont know is i have told things that were not true and sometimes half truths and the fact that i now have cancer is a fact that most would never believe. it is best that i say nothing to them. rather they would believe me now or not is not what matters...

    what does matter is that my life is ending... rather i take it myself or not and that cant be changed. I have been told to forget my past , well i have forgotten my past but not the hurt that is upon my heart from that past.... i am just a nothing that walks upon this earth. i cant even feel hardly anything anymore.. I am glad at least there is a place like here where i can come and speak my heart at and not get ill remarks or words back that would hurt me more... I am a totaly bad person.. i have hurt others and i have trusted others. i have let others down... i have just been an all out bad person. i just can not stand myself or the things i have done and i do not blame anyone for not loving me at all. i screwed everything up like i always do.. i am just a loser and in this case a loser at this life..

    i deserve all of this... i deserve the hurt , the cancer , the pain ... to me it is punishment from God or in another word consequencies of a past life that i wish i had never had....

    i am worth nothing to anyone and it is nothing i will return to...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 2, 2007
  15. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    WD,what you wrote really saddened me so badly oh I wish I could make you feel so much better:sad:you aren't a bad person and don't deserve to suffer.I really feel so bad for you it's not fair it's just not,I wish I could help you in any way to stop your suffering.:sad:
     
  16. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member


    ace ,

    Please do not feel bad for me???

    I do not need to know i made others hurt or feel badly again....

    look at it the way i look at it... I will be out of this pain. Out of both the pains.. The pain of cancer eating away at me and the pain of an emotional hurt that will not go away....

    I feel my life is already ending.. it really ended a long time ago when the minister and his wife walked out without thinking of me or my feelings.. it ended then i think and just got much worse...

    They really meant something to me... They really touched my heart in a way that i just can not explain it in words... But i have come to face reality that i was really nothing but a spot upon them and upon the church itself...

    Please dont blame them or the church at all... it was me... i screwed it all up.. i made the mistakes.. i did the wrong.. i drove them away .. i smothered them with way too much love and attention and did so because i could not understand my emotions or my feelings and they dont understand it either... I did the wrong and i am being paid back for it... a lot more then i wanted but it is a payback that has taken its toll upon me and my heart...

    Maybe they are not allowed to contact me? Maybe it was a deal with them? or perhaps they just chose to not have anything to do with me? I will never know.. But one thing i do know is that i do not want others to feel sorry for me because this is what i deserve. This is what is right... They wanted me out of their life and i will be...

    I am thankful though . Thankful that i have had a chance to come here to this support forum and post my true feelings , the truth about my hardships , the truth about my life , my fears , my loneleness , my hopes and dreams and to do so without the worry that i will be put down here like i was at other forums. when i would post these things i was often told that i did so for attention.. Maybe thats what they thought but it was their thinking that was wrong about me all the time... They did not know this pain. both physical and emotional nor did they understand it like everyone here does. And i personally thank each and everyone here for letting me post my true feelings out there and especially those feelings that i have let out in the let it out forum... Seems i am in there every night but i have to get the anger , and hurt out of me or i would go insane for sure. And what better way to do so then to post it online instead of screaming at home and waking the neighbors.. Although i need to warn anyone if they do go and read my words then they are going to feel my anger , my pain,, and my lonelyness and it might be triggering to some here... but that is my true hurt self in there and online here. Nothing phony about me here.

    They meant the world to me and it is so odd but now i would rather not see them or talk with them at all... I dont want to get entangled in their lies of love toward me that was not true.... keeping my heart safe from rejection , pain , and hurt...

    They really do not care what happens to me at all. they really never cared at all what would happen to me.. I was just a toy in a senseless game that was planned and i fell for it , hook , line , and sinker and it hurts. the hurt is deep and long and will not go away unless i make it go away...
     
  17. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    WD,I don't want you to feel bad about me feeling for you because I care about you and it really hurt's seeing you in this pain like everyone else.:sad:
     
  18. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Ace,

    i have something i can not cure. that doctors can not cure.

    Hepatocellular Carcinoma has not feelings for any of its victoms... I am beyond help.. it was caught way too late...


    i do think this pain of this cancer is on the top of this emotional pain but i am sure my emotional pain will rise again like it does every night ..

    I will ask God to comfort you tonight.. Maybe just maybe he will hear my prayers tonight enough to comfort you and others here...
     
  19. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear about you having cancer White Dove. I've noticed one major theme in this world, and that is that bad things happen to good people. And from what I've read, you seem like a great human being.

    I hope you feel better soon, both emotionally and physically. I know it's hard, but try to not let your emotions strangle you. I say this because emotional distress will amplify your physical pain. Please try and find some peace, if you can. You deserve that, and more.

    And, I apologize for what is probably a meaningless post by me. But I felt I had to say something, even if it is redundant/useless. I wish I could say more, to be able comfort you in some small way but words have been failing me as of late.

    Take care.
     
  20. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Hun,

    that is not meaningless to me at all.

    thank you for those kind words....

    take care yourself okay...
     
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