Well i have 1 week left. I will celebrate this 4 th of july as the best day i can have. I will pretend everything is all bright and happy in my life. i will not let others know that deep down inside my heart is bleeding. it is tearing apart with a force i can not stop. No one would care at all where i am at or what i am doing. this according to them and their thinking is nothing but a stunt for attention. They are not right in their thinking and are so far from the truth of how i feel. I can not shake this deep hurtful feelings i have. i just do not see how it can ever be healed. i have way too much damage to my heart. there is too many tears. there is too much hurt feelings. Sunday July 8 is my last day here on this earth. i will go to the place of the sunset and end it all. At one time this would have been the hardest desicion i ever had to make but now as the hurting gets harder and harder to endure the desicion gets easier and easier to make. I now have 10 times more then what i took the last time. This attempt will be my last attempt cause i intend to succeed in it. It not like anyone would miss me. it really is for the best for all concered. What i will be doing is doing everyone a favor. if i am not here then i can not hurt others. i often hurt others without meaning to do so. i can do nothing right well this time i can do something right. It is a battle between which pain is causeing me the most hurt. the physical pain of this cancer is like a hard cramp that will not go away. it feels like there is something crawling inside my body and no way to stop the feeling. the cramping feelings are like tight knots in my body that never release. it is almost like a cramp in your leg that makes one get up out of bed yet there is no end in the pain. The emotional pain is just as bad because my heart hurts. it hurts with lonelyness. it hurts with knowing that not one person cares about what happens to me. the pain is unending. the feelings of lonelyness, heartlessness, aching pain of knowing i am unloved. knowing that no one could ever love me, knowing that i am useless and can do nothing wrong. knowing that people shy away from me because they think i am a nut case and so they stay away from me. ity is like i have an unpartnable disease that no one can see this pain i am in. they can not feel it and they can not understand it. i can not understand it myself. Maybe God chose this path for me. maybe this is what was meant to be. if i had known that when others saved me on my last attempt that my life would begin with such a lot more pain and agony then i would have made sure my last attempt would have succeeded in taking my life. Bringing me back did nothing but put more pain upon my already broken heart. Why did you do it? why bring me back and make me suffer more? if you had every intention of not forgiving me then why bring me back. you give me a second chance but yet you gave me hell ever since then. things changed. your attitude changed for me from being a loving bunch of people to being mad at me all the time. to not being able to see that i had a deep hurt inside me that has continued and grown with an unbelievable force that can not be stopped. Where was the love when i needed it? Where were you when i needed you? i need you now but you are not here. where is your christian love to help me combat this deadly force with deadly conquiences? its not there. you abandoned me because you thought it was the right thing to do. Well did it ever accure to you that you may be wrong? Did it ever accure to you that doing what you think is right is really the wrong way because you do not understand my true pain. my true feelings. my deep hurt upon my heart. my illness. my fears. you do not understand so how can you know what you are doing is right? When you see me lying in my casket next week will you believe then? i am nothing but a spot upon you and others. i am nothing but a piece that belongs on the other side away from you. without me here i can do no more damage. without me here you will be set free. a phone call. just a phone call could have made all the difference. but you go on and think about how much you are doing the right thing while i carry out my intentions and be laid to rest next week.