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1 year it has come back

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Hache, Jul 18, 2009.

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  1. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    My anxiety has turned into suicidal thoughts again, i havent felt them like this for a year, i've had anxiety during that year, but now it has become suicidal thoughts.

    Let get one thing straight first, i do not want to die! I have enough control to not want to die. But I have suicidle thoughts. An urge to have a blade through my heart and urges to jump off something very high.


    Its quite simple why my anxiety turned to suicidal thoughts. I lost my dream, my goals, my belief that things can and will happen. Its gone. This happened yesterday morning...

    You know when you're in bed, not as leep, not quite awake, you have slight control over your mind, your eyes are shut, and a story like a dream is created, played in loop by your mind, but whilst you're controlling the remote to rewind, fast forward and start again, it's like you're not fully in control of what the semi-dream tells you.

    It was all about going back to university. This is where my hope was, my dream, what i was waiting for, in hope that I could get what I wanted when I was there. But what was on my mind is the thoughts that when I go back it will be no different to the failed first year socially, that things wont happen and as a result I will turn to alcohol and self harm like I did at the end of the first year.

    So now I have lost my belief. Little things that happen during the day are also sending my mind flying, giving me deep suicidal thoughts. I do not want to die but I cannot bare to live in this mental state, I guess one day when I lose that control that is when the attempts would happen :sad:
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you feel your dreams are gone. Are you seeing a doctor a therapist I would think this would be wise seeing your suicidal thoughts are back. Are you able to talk to a councillor at the university to see if you could take a decreased work load to obtain your goals. There is always hope and i know support at the university if you talk to a councillor there. They will help you obtain your goals it may be at a slower pace but still obtainable. Please see your doctor or therapist to see if a change in medication can help. I hope you can see your dreams are not gone just depression telling you this Just take small steps at a time perhaps this way things won't seem to overwhelming for you. take care
  3. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    your post does not display where you live, how old are you etc. Without knowing you well, it is difficult to help you. But my feeling is that you need to talk to a therapist or a psychologist or a friend or someone who wil listen to you. Your fears are unfounded. You worry too much. Become strong. Stop worrying. Think positive, happy thoughts. Stop brooding over past.

    Below I am giving your two quotations I read recently on this website and that are very good

    God bless you.

    Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have no doubt crept in;
    forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be
    encumbered with your old nonsense.
    -Ralph Waldo Emerson
    All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
  4. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    I am practically in the same situation as you. I have been completely clean for two years, but then lately I have gone down hill. So you're not alone. If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you.
  5. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    I'm not at University right now, I am on summer Holidays. Their are 64 days til i go back to University, i have a count down on my desktop, I have been home for about 60 days already. I have a summer job.

    I've lost my belief in going back to university because I had no social life there, i just had independance.

    I am not sure how useful therapy would be whilst at home because I have no life here, I am just waiting to leave, the problem is what I am leaving to has lost its mythical dream. The false hopes I give myself to get me through now as I wait for another time have gone.

    I would be put on a waiting list for therapist, that would take a few months to see someone, I'd be back at university by then.

    I dont want medication as that would ignore the reality of the situation.

    Because I am at home, with parents this summer, it is like being watched so everything is in my head. Whereas if I was away at university right now I would be drinking and self harming... IF when I get there I do not get what I want and need, a life, a social life, something to massage my ego. Who knows, as soon as I get there I might be fine as I am back with friends, depends what they want to do.

    I have no social life, my career is miles away, I have no and never have had a relationship.

    I went to university to fix those 3, but after the way the 2nd semester went I do not feel good.


    I do not care about the past much, their is no present or future.
  6. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    i need to harm to release this now, i dont know how or what that i can get away with in this house though
  7. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    You say that the first year was a failure "socially". What about academically.

    I've read your posts and you are highly intelligent. You should be able to achieve your goals with the help of some therapy and possibly some anti-depressants if you haven't already tried them.

    If you want to message me, I'd be happy to discuss anything you want to.

    We talked a little before...maybe I can help in some way.
  8. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    Academically I just did what I had to do to get through, I was often missing lectures and seminars, I scraped through some units because of it.

    I got away with it.

    The only reason I actually went to the exam and submitted assignments was because I cant fuck up again and because I have a greater responsibility as I live away from home for university. But it was getting worse.

    Prior to going to this university, I failed a home course in IT, I just didnt do it, the lack of what I shall call "life" made me neglect it, neglect my respobsility. Before that, when I was 18/19 I went to university for 1 year whilst living at home, I failed by not turning up, I didnt turn up at all in the 2nd half of the year.

    Education isn't really for me, but it is what I have to go through to get to where I want/should be right now anyway.

    Another thing about this course is I didn't pick it. I went to this uni to do something else, but in the first week I choked and changed to a course which I knew I could get through whilst mentally messed up, I guess I was right.
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