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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by xTheBlondex, Jan 24, 2007.

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  1. xTheBlondex

    xTheBlondex Well-Known Member

    Im here again, been months since ive last logged on but Many suicidal attempts later i finally think its time!
    i've taken 10 tablets and im ready to take the other 10, im not sure why im here maybe i really dont wanna die? but i've had enough, no matter how much i try to change something always goes wrong.

    my dads dead my mum takes everything out on me, im starting to hate my dad just cause hes n ot here and im taking the shit that he should be taking. The only thing that makes me feel better is smoking and the bitch took that away I have no money nowhere to go or run to. I'd be suprised if i was even able to leave the house. It feels like everythings ontop of me im carrying everyones weight and I can't do it anymore

    So once again goodbye x
     
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Aw sweetheart, it sounds like things are really tough for you at the moment, but you posted here for a reason. You posted here reaching out for help, reaching out for someone to offer something for you. Had you been totally serious about suicide, then, most probably you would not have posted.

    Have you got any professional support to help you with the issues that you are facing? would you consider going to the doctors to get some help? They can do lots to help you, and it should help you feel a lot better (not instantly, but in time).

    It's ok to be angry with your dad for not being there, that is natural darling and not anything you should feel guilty about, as cliched as it sounds, it's actually part of the grieving process to be angry with the person who has died.

    If you feel you are carrying peoples weights, then you need to try and take a step back and allow yourself to focus on you, and helping you to feel better.

    With regards to right this moment, could you call the NHS Direct helpline (0845 46 47) and talk about what you have taken? Or go to an A&E?

    Hang in there and keep talking to us
     
  3. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    Hi there,

    I see you've registered today although seem to have come here in the past. So welcome back :)

    Im very sorry for your loss and for all that you're going through. It sounds incredibly difficult for you.. it's a lot for anyone to be going through, let alone someone in their teens.

    Have you tried talking to your mum about how you're feeling? Or a counsellor? It might help to get some of your feelings out.. I hope it's helped to write on the forum too.. and i do hope you'll keep on writing here if it helps.

    Please don't take any more of the tablets. Instead why not talk to us here? You don't have to be alone with this.

    :arms:
    Jenny x
     
  4. xTheBlondex

    xTheBlondex Well-Known Member

    I've seen the doctor im not high risk enough to be arranged a physciatric appointment as fast as someone who's high risk.. Ive tried talking to my mum she uses it against me and makes me feel guilty for talking to her so why bother nemore?

    I just want it to be all over my dad left so why cant i? why wasn't it me? ive never wanted to be alive anyway so why wasnt it me?
     
  5. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Could you go back to the docs? Even if they say you are not high risk they can still refer you to someone. Or you could try talking to a counsellor, if you are in education they can arrange that for you.

    It might be hard, but try to remember that your mum is also greiving for your father, but that doesn't mean she loves you any less. Is there anyone else you could feel comfortable talking to? An Aunt? Friends mum? Grand parent? Teacher/tutor/colleague?

    Darling there are so many unanswered questions about people dying, and it is good that you are asking them. I don't know the answers, but I do know this, when your father died, the people that loved him are hurting so much (like you are now), and if you died, then that would be hurting those that love you. Maybe you could try and fight for them.
     
  6. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    I completely agree with 'Scum'.. please don't give up yet. If you called NHS Direct and told them you're planning on taking tablets, they have a legal responsibility to get you help.

    You've got nothing to lose by calling for help.. so please give it a try

    :arms:
     
  7. xTheBlondex

    xTheBlondex Well-Known Member

    I could but i don't want to , i don't wanna try and figure out whats wrong with me I just want it to stop, i dont wanna have to try.

    I know my mums grieving but she's made sure that shes centre of attention "my husbands died u dont know what that feels like you haven't been married for 22 years" But she has no idea what it feels like to lose a parent hers r still alive ffs. I Can't grieve because when I do i made to feel weak or as if im 'putting extra pressure on her' (she's told me this so im not just thinking it). I Finally after 2years decided to sort this problem out (going to the doctor about my symptoms which sound alot like bi-polar disorder) I was ready to tell people how I felt and now she uses this against me all the time "everyday im too scared to talk 2 u ect" that in turn makes me feel worse for telling her and giving her something else to worry about.

    I cant be bothered nemore
     
  8. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    If you don't want to try, if you don't want to fight, or don't want help, why did you post honey? there must be a reason for posting, maybe you could tell us?

    You did brilliantly to go to the doc and explain your symptoms, what did s/he do?

    It also sounds like your mum is incredibly ignorant about what things are like for you, and that must hurt so deeply. Allowing yourself to grieve does not make you weak, it actually makes you stronger for being allowed to admit what you feel and deal with it.

    You clearly are a strong person and if you wanted to put your mind to feeling better, then you could do. Do you have anything to lose by trying? The option for suicide will always be there, but if you kill yourself, the option for getting better will not.

    If you can't be bothered, maybe the best thing to do is just take a few days for yourself, could you stay with a friend, or another relative? It would give you time and space and might help.
     
  9. xTheBlondex

    xTheBlondex Well-Known Member

    you want my honest answer to why I posted here?
    - I posted here cause i hope if i do , do this . commit suicide that my mum might oneday turn on the pc go to my computers history or cookies find this site and read the posts thats really why I've done it to completely open and honest.

    As for my doctor he told me he would write to someone and contact me and arrange for me to have a physciatric assessment as im not high risk as i said before I won't be seen as quick and i'll have to wait to be contacted for an appointment.
     
  10. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Your doctor will have kept his word. Your appointment might arrive tomorrow, you never know. If you go back to your doctor and chase him up, then he will do it faster. If you go to the A&E tonight and tell them what you have done and what you intend to do, then, most likely, you will see someone there and then, after they have done the tests to make sure you are physically ok.

    Sweetheart, your mum has lost her husband, how do you think she would fele to lose her daughter too? I get the feeling that you feel you have also lost your mother when you father died. Is this some kind of punishment for her? For not being there for you?
     
  11. xTheBlondex

    xTheBlondex Well-Known Member

    I don't really care how she feels nemore I hear so much about how SHE feels that its just gets blocked out maybe i am trying to punish her I don't know but she punishes me every day. Ive heard so many times how she found my dad dead on the floor that I can picture it in my head every single detail and i wasnt even there so what she found him so what? The first ever dead body i saw was my dads in a coffin he had a massive bump on his head that made him look like he had a second head he looked like he was smirkin at me. She's seen bodies before. - And I know that I sound like a complete bitch but I've listened 2 her for hours bang on about what she has to cope with not once has she ever listened (without interrupting me or telling me how guilty i make her feel) to how I feel
     
  12. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Aw darling, how horrendous that must be for you.

    To be honest, she needs to be reminded that even though she has lost her husband, she still has a family that need her desperately.

    If you had a counsellor or someone, would you feel able and willing to talk to them about how you are feeling etc? Do you think something like that might help?
     
  13. xTheBlondex

    xTheBlondex Well-Known Member

    i find it hard to commiunicate with people its not that I don't have the brains to, because I do but I don't wanna end up like my mum dropping everything on to someone elses shoulders to worry about. I told my best m8 about the whole bi-polar thing and due to her and carefully planned persuasion i finally went and did it but I don't wanna become like my mum everyone has their own problems without mine on top.
     
  14. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Lot's of people find it hard to communicate darling, it is not lack of intelligence, it is defense barriers in most cases. Maybe you could try writing down how you feel. You are doing a brilliant job of articulating yourself on here, so maybe writing it down might be easier for you.

    Talking to someone, especially someone like a counsellor, is not you burdening them. It sounds like your friend really cares for you and wants to help. She clearly did not see it as a burden as she tried to help you. A counsellor chooses to do that job and none of his/her clients are a burden.

    Yes, everyone does have their own problems, but I bet if your mate came to you with a problem, then you would try and help, the same way she helped you. The difference with your mum is that she is not able to help others right now.

    Would you consider calling people like the samaritans? They are there specifically to help, and it is not a burden to them either. They are there because they want to help, they like helping, and possibly because helping others also helps themselves.

    You are not alone in this honey, you have reached out and there are lots of different people around that can support and help you, if you let them
     
  15. xTheBlondex

    xTheBlondex Well-Known Member

    I can do it on here because i know most of you can just turn your monitor off and not have a 2nd thought about it you don't know me so why would u actually 100% completely care.

    I don't like talking on the phone anyway let alone telling someone on the phone about my problems
     
  16. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Trust me, the amount I have replied to you, I care, and so does Jenny, otherwise we would not have responded. It's easy to switch off your computer, but not your head. I know that even after I have gone offline I will be thinking about you and wondering about how you are doing.

    You can also e-mail the samaritans if you wanted to.

    How are you feeling now compared to when you first posted?
     
  17. xTheBlondex

    xTheBlondex Well-Known Member

    worse i dunno really i just found a black bag full of stuff that my mums chucked away from my room and half of it is new i duno wtf is goin on in her head i really dont
     
  18. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Sounds like her grief is out of control. Would she see a doc?

    Could you go and stay at your mates for the night?

    What positive thing do you think might help you feel a bit better?
     
  19. xTheBlondex

    xTheBlondex Well-Known Member

    shes seeing a councellor but once again thats my fault its not the fact that my 51yr old dad decided to come home from work to get lunch n drop dead in the house. its mine

    and no i don't my m8 lives miles away and the others i don't really trust them as far as i can throw them
     
  20. bunny

    bunny Staff Alumni

    do you think you might be able to get yourself to the hospital either on your own or by ambulance? if you tell them you feel like you could hurt yourself they might be more pro active in helping you see a psych and getting you the help you need

    i hope you stay safe :hug:
    bunny
     
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