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10 Reasons Why I Wanna Die.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by anasgirlx, Dec 1, 2010.

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  1. anasgirlx

    anasgirlx Well-Known Member

    I honestly just want to fucking DIE right now x____x

    Reason One: My eating disorder. I have been binging for three weeks and have gained the ten pounds I recently lost. I just wanna be skinnnnnny.

    Reason Two: My depression. I feel like nothing is going right and that I am a hopeless case. I am so down and numb, I can't even cry about it.

    Reason Three: My self-esteem. Damn this low self-esteem and all of it's horrors. It's all just a big mess. I can't take this putting myself down anymore.

    Reason Four: My girlfriend. She is joining the army and will be gone all summer for basic training. Also, we're having problems communicating about serious things because all she ever wants to talk about is sex.

    Reason Five: The weather. It's been raining all week. Gray, dreary weather always makes me feel depressed.

    Reason Six: My friends. I have none.

    Reason Seven: My crush. He has a girlfriend who hates me and he now ignores me since he started dating her. It's a pure Taylor Swift moment.

    Reason Eight: My family. They are very ignorant and hateful towards me and my girlfriend.

    Reason Nine: My niece. She just moved back in and already has started controlling me and saying hurtful things again.

    Reason Ten: My mood. Overall, I just feel yucky and lonely. I'm depressed and numb, with noone to talk to.

    Part of me wishes I was still at the hospital.. x_x

  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    can you go back to the hospital and let them know that you came home too soon? that's what i had to do in september. better to be safe.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I agree phone doc and tell him more time is needed in hospital okay see if you can get stable before Christmas so you can enjoy it.
  4. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    I don't think there's a whole lot I could say to make you feel any better... but it sounds like your home life isn't very supportive-- and isn't helping with your physical or mental health.
    Having love life problems is shitty, too.

    You need a distraction though-- I think that would help you the most right now if not going to the hospital.
    Have any constructive hobbies? Scrapbook or paint, maybe?
    I suggest you dive deep into something constructive - use your hands to make something and ignore the world around you for a bit.

    It can really help to relieve the tension you're feeling at home.
  5. DrNick1010

    DrNick1010 Well-Known Member

    I know it hurts now and the last thing I'd want to do is tell you some cliched advice about a break in the clouds and blah blah blah. I'm sure you've heard it all before.
    But think of it on the other side. Think of reasons to live. I'm sure we can all come up with thousands of reasons why we should be cynical and suicidal, but if there's one reason, even just one little tattered fragment of a reason to stay alive, it outweighs all the reasons in the world to die. There's a reason you're alive and that you took the time to get on SF to talk. Based on your list, I can see little reasons, tiny as they may be for you right now, feeling lost on a spindly raft on an ocean of indifference. But they're there.

    Reason One: You're beautiful just as you are.

    Reason Two: You're not a hopeless case. You're worthwhile everyday.

    Reason Three: Look at your best features everyday in the mirror. Something you like about yourself. If you can't see it, ask your girlfriend about it.

    Reason Four: Your girlfriend will miss you, even if it seems like she's distracted right now.

    Reason Five: Ok, have to break into cliche here :) The sun will shine again.

    Reason Six: You have at least one, even though she's not there for you right now.

    Reason Seven: Unrequited love is something we all deal with. I'm certainly no stranger to it myself and it can be very painful, more painful than people may acknowledge. Maybe your crush will come to his senses, but if he doesn't, that doesn't mean you won't ever find love. I've only had fleeting moments of romance but when I reflect back on how wonderful they were, it makes me think twice about giving up. Not just having love, but even the hope of romance, however dim, is always worth it.

    Reason Eight: I don't know your situation exactly, but try talking to your family about it. Explain how you feel. Sometimes they can surprise you. Your parents will miss you.

    Reason Nine: Tell your niece that you're going through a tough time and you'd appreciate some respect and space. I know, sounds too easy doesn't it? Maybe if you mentioned it to your parents they could do something. If you were to commit suicide, you might feel like you were getting even with her but it would hurt her. She would miss you.

    Reason Ten: Sometimes we just have bad days. There is always at least one good thing that happens everyday in our lives, no matter how minor. Depression has a way of filtering our vision, blinding us to the good around us. I hate dealing with depression too. It takes compliments and twists them into paranoid fantasies and patronizing comments. Look around you and see how many people smile at you everyday. Even one person smiling means that they're happy you're there and they'd feel awful if you died.

    I hope this list helps. Glad you're still with us and please make a list of your own about reasons to live, even if it's only as small as the smile of a stranger.
  6. anasgirlx

    anasgirlx Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, I thank ya'll for your support but it really isn't helping. I want to die more than ever. :| And I dont know how to get out. My mother wont send me back to the hospital and I'm afraid to tell my therapist..
  7. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Why is it your mother's decision to send you to hospital? I know you said you are scared to talk to your therapist - is that because you can't find the words? If so it might help to write it down or show your therapist your post? X
  8. anasgirlx

    anasgirlx Well-Known Member

    My mother can't afford to put me in the hospital again and she doesnt want to keep putting me there. She thinks it is my "comfort zone" and she wants me to deal with things without being in the hospital.

    And if I tell my therapist, she will only tell my mom to put me in the hospital. So, I dont want to tell her anything.
  9. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Anasgirl, you have to do whatever thats going to keep you safe. On one note I can see that your mom is trying to help, bc she wants you to be able to handle stress and anxeity, but then again, you know deep down when you need to do something and if your feeling like you might be in danger, then tell you therapist whats going on.

    Im sorry your feeling down again, I hate the cycle of depression.
  10. anasgirlx

    anasgirlx Well-Known Member

    I dont even have therapy again until next Friday :| I doubt I can wait that long. And even if I did tell her, my mom would get so pissed off its not even funny.

    I hate this cycle too. It seems like as soon as it ends, it starts up again. Its never-ending.
  11. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    if the choice is between death and hospital i'm sure your mum would accept you being in the hospital. no matter how unsupportive she's being right now i'm sure she doesn't want to lose you. me either, i don't want to lose you. can you call your therapist for an emergency appointment. friday is a long way away.
  12. anasgirlx

    anasgirlx Well-Known Member

    I may call my therapist tonight...
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