Discussion in 'The Gameroom' started by *dilligaf*, Feb 23, 2009.
Post 10 secrets, confessions or truths about yourself
uh, er, um, well, um sam, are you gonna go , like firsties??? (just sayin)
I'm writing them atm :tongue:
I'll start :smile:
1. I find it very funny that I have spent ages listening to someone trying to get me *off* slimming pills and now someone is trying to get me *on* them
2. No matter what he says, or how many times, I still think he'll like me more after I loose weight
3. My toes make this weird clicking sound that cant be healthy :laugh:
4. The only time in about the last month that I have slept without dreaming or waking up feeling shit is when he was next to me. :hiding:
5. I am not looking forward to my birthday in three weeks.
6. If I could go back two years there is a hell of a lot of things that I would change
7. I have had enough of people ganging up on people.
8. I miss how my family used to be. :sad:
9. I'm lovely until you piss me off but then I'm a bitch
10. The word "cancer" upsets me everytime....
in no particular order...btw...
1. the end of my marriage was like a wake-up call - HELLO get out of stupid-ville and into LIFE.........
2. my children are angels, straight from heaven. breathtaking and i am not worthy
3. secretly, i like me. i am fun to hang out with - but no one knows!
4. i am very much in touch with my sensuality and my sexuality.
5. i do not like sleeping alone (nothing to do with number 4)
6. my main goals in life are to help others, and to show love to everyone. . .
7. i pretended to like montreal, but i was always homesick for the u.s. . .. ..
8. i am a big kid - who never grew up and i am so silly. . . .just ask my kids!
9. i seek God/god/bliss/enlightment. . and He/he/it/being seeks me. . . and i'm cool with not knowing. . .
10. i feel very special about someone...and maybe even love them in a crushy kind of way . . (((heart pounding)))
1. I feel cheated out of life by depression, and I'm jealous and bitter towards people who haven't had to struggle with it.
2. I associate oral sex performed on me with being raped as a kid. Every single time.
3. I intentionally mimicked my drinking habits from alcoholic writers. Fitzgerald's Gin and tonics, Capote's 3 martini lunch, Anne Sextons' daily sipping regiment, Oscar Wilde and James Joyce's whisky habit, and Hemingway's ....ok, I don't drink like Papa - a daily truckload is enough for me. :tongue:
4. I'm very comfortable with my sexuality, but internet sex always feels silly and stupid. I often wonder why I don't just masturbate instead :tongue:
5. I'm an absurdest at heart but my behavior is too strongly affected by depression to reflect it.
6. My ideal world is quite humble: small house, family, and a job I enjoy; I don't think I'll ever have that.
7. As a raised Catholic, Douglas Adams' The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy holds more religious significance to me than the Bible. I am however very proud of my Irish-American Catholic roots and fully embrace the wanton theatrics of the Church - even though I find the majority of their beliefs and policies to be silly, arrogant, or out-dated monstrosities.
8. I've been recovering from a nervous breakdown for what seems years. And instead of getting better it's all been downhill. Over the past week I've been polishing my suicide note and preparing for my death .
9. I'm much more of a fantasist than a writer. I would daydream all day if I could.
10. I wish I could go back in time and help my childhood self through life's struggles. My desire to have a son is partly so that I can fix the mistakes that I went through as a kid ---sorry son, baggage! :tongue:
1. I'm trying to figure out why I continue to hang around this site. I add nothing of any benefit to it, get nothing from it (other than that I can admit to suicidal feelings) and have certainly made no friends or any other connections of that sort.
2. Lately when I watch movies I seem to be focusing on the most ghastly and saccharine of chick flicks. And I have absolutely no idea why.
3. I've concluded that hierarchy and an in-group/out-group social organization are an inescapable part of the human condition, whatever other political, economic or social order might exist. In other words, there must always be an ass to kick or kiss and someone to despise. And these patterns repeat themselves from pre-school to the grave, whether the group is three people or three hundred million.
4. I'm not looking for a job with nearly the enthusiasm I should be.
5. I suspect the current president of the US is on his way to doing something I would have thought impossible a few months ago: Making his predecessor look good, if only by comparison.
6. I used to think the world would be a better place if women ran it. I no longer hold this opinion, though I don't think it would be any worse. Based on #3, there would doubtless just be a different set of in-group/out-groups and a different set of people to hate.
7. The idea of drinking myself to death is weirdly appealing, especially since it is something I thought about doing 20 or so years ago but haven't thought about much since that time. Especially since I'm no longer much of a drinker.
8. There's nothing I look forward to with any interest. There are no mountains I wish to climb, no depths I wish to plumb.
9. In a curious sense I feel my personality is no longer a unified whole, but that it has been split into what amount to three warring camps. Unfortunately this conceit is a bit too complicated to go into here.
10. I'm trying to bullshit my way through the current regime of therapy I've agreed to undergo. Unfortunately for me, the LICSW I'm seeing is far, far, sharper than I would like. And it so damn difficult to lie sincerely, I'm forced to tell half-truths. No lying, but also the sin of omission of keeping at least some cards close to my vest. My main hope at this point is that the HMO will not allow me to see him beyond the eight sessions that have been approved.
Confession 1. I've been having a crisis of faith recently. I still go to church, but I'm having trouble believing that God would really have that much interest in humanity as to watch over us and guide us every moment of every day. And if he's that loving, then why would he send us to Hell? It doesn't make sense to me. Instead, I'm coming to see God as more of an impassionate, clockmaker-esque entity, who simply set the universe into motion. The rest . . . well, that's up to us.
Confession 2. My appetite has been shit recently. That's OK, it means I've lost a little weight.
Confession 3: Strangely, I'm also taking better care of my body. I try to work out more, I smoke less, I'm drinking less, I've started taking vitamins and supplements. I don't know why.
Confession 4: I'm absolutely furious at some of the people I know from my earlier life, and wonder why I wasn't mad at them when I was growing up. Maybe it's because I didn't know anything different, but I deserved to have a stable home with sane people and I didn't get it.
Confession 5: I'm also very resentful towards people who had that. So resentful that I worry it borders on hate.
Confession 6: The past ten years of my life have been spent surrounding myself with negative influences; all sorts of violent films, loud music, the loud, the obscene, the crass. I feel almost threatened that encourages to explore emotions. Sometimes, I miss being able to feel secure.
Confession 7: I've seen just a little too much to ever feel secure again.
Confession 8: I know there's no fixing what's wrong with me. I won't even bother, because I tried it once and I'll sooner be dead than have to deal with that sort of embarassment again.
Confession 9: So the only way I can come to grips with those emotions that still float up is by posting here. People probably don't like me very much here because I can seem sort of abrassive, but meh. This is who I am.
Confession 10: I just want to be able to be wholly dedicated to the person I am now, and not the weak panderings of the person I once was. I wish I could expunge the need to feel or be loved, because it's just dragging me down.
:1: I wanna let things out, but im so scared i will get hurt again, that no one cares, because everytime i let something out, no one seemed to notice, no one seemed to listen, no one seemed to care, they started talking about something else, they just forget. Do you actually think im looking for attention, just overreacting, that i dont have (serious) problems, maybe i do, maybe theyre right, i can hear it you all think.
:2: Post my feelings only in coffeehouse or members diary because of 5, scared no one will respond and that just proofs im a pathetic whining attention slut
:3: Also the reason i barely start talking to people on msn, because im only whining, i got nothing interesting to tell, they dont like me, i only bother them, picking their nose is a better thing to do
:4: Only people i talk to are my family, grannies at work, my pets, that is my social life, didnt that make you god damn jalous. Good thing i still have you here on sf, thank you so much for that, for all the times you were there for me and cheered me up.
:5: Lost 10 pounds the past 2 weeks, yesterday i threw up again, i know i should stop now with trying to lose weight otherwise i will fall back again in old habits, but i cant stop thinking that i will be liked for once by other people.
:6: Im so ashamed about :7: so pathetic im so narrowminded, so influence by what beauty is according to others/media and i really hate all the girls, who have an eating disorder, its pathetic, youre all beautifull
:7: Im thinking way too much about harming myself, last time i did it was at least a year ago, Im sure soon i will have new scars. And i really dont want that. One of the reasons to stop was, so my scars could fade and i could get a tattoo who doesnt look fucked up by all the scars
:8: Im always whining i dont find my drawings good, but im proud of them, they mean so much to me, not that they are good, they are some kind of diary, they only thing where you can really notice how i feel.
:9: I hate people here on sf, only because they mean so much to me and i cant say the right words, when they are down, to make them feel better. And this hate can get so big, makes me agressive and scared i will say something that can really hurt someone and push them over the edge.
:10: This was overwhelming and exausting, took me so long to write it down, constantly standing up after a few words, walking to the toillet wash my hand, try to pee, walking up and down the stairs, to my room, havent let so much out in ages
1. One of the main reason I'm suicidal is because my girlfriend who I fell in love with dumped me over text. I'm scared that I won't find someone else who loves me for exactly who I am.
2. I have 11 cuts on my left arm alone. I'm now addicted to it, I can't stop doing it.
3. I really don't like my family. And in an hour or so when my Dad gets home, he's just going to shout at me and I can't take that any longer.
4. I have to be drunk or stoned to feel remotely normal. I feel absolutely crap otherwise.
5. I've gained a few pounds somehow and it scared me. I don't want to get fat, the thought of gaining weight sends me over the edge.
6. Everytime I think of sexual activity, I think of my ex. Can't take this much longer.
7. I hate my job.
8. I actually get pissed off with my friends for them wanting me to come and hang out with them. I don't know why and I hate that I feel this way. I worked an extra shift this weekend so I wouldn't have to make an excuse to not go out.
9. My Mom hates me.
10. I want to die.
1.I use the term "love" alot, and most peopel see it as meaningless. but when i say it, i mean it, and it will never go away in any form. so to those i sat it too here; i love you and you cant do anything to change that. you will always have a place to run to regardless of what i am going through. :hug:
2. I have a constant niggling voice in my head saying all my mental "issues" are just my own fabrication and there is nothing wrong with me, i'm just to lazy to live.
3. i stick with things out of comfort and because i'm scared of change. i never know if i'm settling or not as i dont know my own worth.
4. i have done some cruel things in my life, and it scares me to think about them.
5. i'm scared as to where i'm heading whith my current state. but i kind of want it to go there.
6. if i had the money, i would leave in a heart beat. and that annoys/scares me.
7. i am a weak person.
8. i hate it when i want to say 'i'm ugly' as due to society, and other women, the usual responce is "no your not" i dont want to hear that. i am not looking for fufillment, i am looking for someone who will point out my flaws and still love me for it.
9. i pretend to know more than i do. and i think i am a conceted bitch for doing so.
10. it has taken all my strength not to talk about you here.
1. I'm having body image struggles, and I'd probably develop an eating disorder if I could stand being hungry.
2. I'd like nothing more than a girl/boyfriend.
3. I'm frightened of attachment, so 2 isn't especially likely.
4. I only tell people I drink to try to get some sympathy... but I almost always get a "woo! Rock on!" kind of reaction, instead of "With who?.. Alone? That's no good."
5. I drink almost all the time now to either numb pain from memories or kill my fear of attachment.
6. I advised a formerly-close friend towards suicide this morning, though I suspect she didn't take it seriously
7. I hate men. [Which actually makes bisexuality kinda complicated.]
8. Among all the results of dropping out of university, the one that worries me the most is telling my dad [which seems odd, given 7 and the reasons behind it (read: him)]
9. I try to be apathetic these days, but when I say, "who cares" I'm usually crying.
10. Moving to Toronto was a huge mistake.
1. I messed up today and ate. I feel like such a pig now.
2. I think I'm a sexist, because in every relationship I've had except one, the guy has just treated me like a piece of meat and now I'm done.
3. I don't try to hide my scars or cuts because I like looking at them; I think they're pretty.
4. I'm disgusted by the idea of sex and whenever I consider the idea of getting close to anyone, I become so angry I get violent towards myself.
5. I think my father had a baby so he could use it as an excuse to ignore his other four children.
6. If my younger sister gets her driver's license before me, I will kill myself on the spot.
7. I think I should just stop trying to draw anything anymore. It's not necessary when one has no talent.
8. Most of the time, I feel like I'm not a valid human being. Like everything I think, say, do, is just a pathetic mimicry of what everyone else can pull off with no problems.
9. I can't believe anyone who says they love me. I get angry whenever someone tries to cheer me up.
10. I spent the entire day unconscious today and I will do it again.
1.. i like hanging around graveyards.. they are the most peaceful places
2.. my probably very unhealthy harry potter obsession is coming to an end, am actually enjoying the clear out
3.. i find it hard to take compliments
4.. when i was on the psych ward it was the only place that felt like home
5.. im scared of a word in the english language.. its pathetic, it freaks me out just seeing it
6.. have never been to hospital for any of my cuts
7.. i cannot stand the way i look
8.. i came back to this site because i felt guilty that i had left people without supporting them properly
9.. i have never been scab free since i started self-harming 14years ago
10.. i spend a lot of time wishing that i had stayed dead when i was 4 and that they hadnt brought me back to suffer this life
1. I plagiaried my masters dissertation
2. I have seriously thought about killing my mum
3. I resent being resuscitated after 2 suicide occasions
4. I have stolen money from peoples accounts when I used to work in a bank
5. I can't open up to my psychiatrist
6. When I was 15 I had sex with my best friends mum
7. I occasionaly still take illicit drugs despite telling people that i have been clean for 8 years
8. Over the years, I have emassed a surplus of my medications for future use
9. Like an earlier poster said, I also have not made any friends on SF
10. ........................ (top secret)
01.) I'm a heroin addict. my friends do not know.
02.) I am also a sex addict.
03.) I am a binge drinker, to the points I am concerned about alcoholism
04.) I wish my father was dead.
05.) I would kill for my best friend.
06.) I have a penchant for verse, and often write songs.
07.) I wish I was famous.
08.) I am homeless.
09.) I suffer from schizophrenia, depression, and carpal tunnel syndrome.
10.) I thought this would be hard!
10. i won't tell anyone anything that i need to say
09. i won't tell anyone anything that i need to say
08. i won't tell anyone anything that i need to say
07. my stomach hurts and puking all day is no fun
06. i won't tell anyone anything that i need to say
05. i won't tell anyone anything that i need to say
03. i won't tell anyone anything that i need to say
02. i won't tell anyone anything that i need to say
01. damn, i wish i would
⚠ im pondering the significance of the multiple frozen analog clocks in my house, and trying to find a logical reason as to why theyre all stuck at the same time.
☼ ive been so adverse to bright lights as of late that ive placed a red sheet over my windows, bathing my bedroom in an eerie amber glow. this is clearly exactly what its like on mars
☏ ive been giving serious consideration to robbing a bank. 80% of bank robbers get away with it, and i believe i am smarter than 95% of bank robbers.
☤ i believe that i will likely rob a bank if i decide to commit suicide, if only as a means for my family to pay for my funeral
☝ im making up most of these up, as no one id like to read them, will.
♉ id like to pick your brain a bit. yes, you. why, dont believe me?
♱ i resent the fact that im posting in this thread, but im bored and my muse seems to be busy doing more important things
☆ im joshing, my muse is just fine, i just want to pad my post count
♋ maybe ill stop using humor as a means to opiate away some of these minutes, but probably not.
I can't manage to do this
i wanted to do another one.
1. i used to steal when i was a child (secret)
2. i want to do drugs, but i'm scared where it will lead me too.
3. i know i go on about it, but i do hope beyond hope, that your genuine, i just dont want to fall for anything.
4. i punish myself with hunger and cold.
5. i dont know why i didnt do it on sunday, and its bothering me.
6. i know i will always come second, third, forth.... last. but i still wait. i'm starting to think its just for the pain.
7. i'm slowly planning my escape. but i want to be offered something else, it wont happen
8. hearing my mother shout/get angry, pushes me closer more than anything else
9. i wanted it to be different.
10. i want you to stop talking to me, so i can stop caring.