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10 years, I've had the same thoughts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by tripa, May 21, 2014.

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  1. tripa

    tripa New Member

    Hi all,

    I remember the first time I thought "I want to die". I was 15. I'm 25 now and I feel like my thought process hasn't really changed. It ebbs and flows, but for the most part it is a looming thought.

    It's been 10 years now and I haven't attempted, so chances are I won't as I have become accustomed with this way of living/thinking. But it is disabling and I often use that thought as a back up plan, "If I fail at uni, well then I will just end this".

    I'm not scared of death, but I'm scared of dying, the actual process and the pain associated with it. What has wiped my mind clear of thoughts like this is that the people left behind would be effected and what would they think. Suicide is stigmatised and seen as deviant behaviour. I wouldn't want my family to be left with that label. But as I grow older and stop caring about what others think, I wonder if times got real low, that I would finally listen to these thoughts.

    I appreciate all replies but I'm seeking logic here.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    People do matter whether it's family or friends. Committing suicide is tough on a family to understand. when you are at a low ebb it's hard to be failure with any member of your family. You try to avoid the stigma attached for failure in your parent's eyes.
    Tripa, you are NOT a failure, even if you dont pass uni. Uni is just another phase of your life. Your family would miss you terribly and you know that. You need to speak someone at the university about this in confidence. I.do.understand what your on about but your just 25 with the rest of your life in front of you.

    Don't get woried or over think as things will sort themselves out. I hope this post helps you and take care.
  3. Aberdeen

    Aberdeen New Member

    Hey, I feel pretty similar to you. 21 years old and for as long as I can remember have felt socially numb and generally 'what's the point'? I don't think suicide is the solution as even when I have been at my unhappiest I have still had moments of random laughter, enjoying life or helping contribute something, and the idea of never getting to experience anything like that ever again is even more offputting than the depression itself. I guess I AM scared of death: I'm a very pessimistic atheist and don't think there is anything after death, neither afterlife or any remaining consciousness. The one thing that has made me never seriously consider suicide (although paradoxically it also makes me miserable and utterly abject at times) is how fleeting life is, how many people have lived and died in history, and how absolutely insignificant every single one of us is in the grand universal scheme of things. That may seem quite nihilistic, but I think it's a reason to live: why should we cut what little existence, experiences and emotions we get even shorter? Even if all I ever feel again is sadness, depression and regret at how insignificant and wasted my short life is, that for me is still infinitely preferable to cutting off the life and never feeling anything again or going to some unknown state. Does any of that ring true with how you feel? Cheers
  4. jonsmith

    jonsmith Well-Known Member

    i also echo your thoughts. first felt this way at age 19. i'm 54 now. it never got better
  5. Caminho - lunar

    Caminho - lunar Active Member

    Hi I don't know what happened in your life to make you have that thought the first time. But I guess it was very painful even if you don't realize it.
    What I can say to you, from my experience, it's that it will never go away until you do something about it.

    Hope that you find a way to face that pain and not let those thoughts control every choice you'll have to make in your life.

    As Dumbledore said:
    “Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”

    I really hope you find your way to turn on the light as I'm still trying to find mine!
  6. crystalclear

    crystalclear Well-Known Member

    Failing at uni means you failed at something. It does not mean you are a failure. A lot of people fail at uni. It's a difficult stage in life but it is not the ultimate way of being successful. Even if you fail at uni there will be alternatives, you can talk to your counselor and seek advice on what to do. If you feel like your grades are being shaky then you can seek your professors, don't be shy or embarrassed to talk to them about your shaky grades. If your professors are a little difficult to deal with then ask for your counselor's help. Dear, uni is supposed to be an amazing phase. You can study, you can move at your own pace.

    You also mentioned that you stopped caring about what people think. But have you also stopped thinking about what/how people would feel? Especially those people who love you?
  7. CanesFam

    CanesFam Member

    I've had similar thoughts and mindstate for a while... "Fuck it, I'll just kill myself" if I fail at something. But recently I realized that's no way to live because you in fact are already dead inside. I'm not the happiest person, but I feel very fortunate because I have a loving family that support me. I don't have a lot of friends and the ones I did have, I just moved 2000 miles away from. School is no reason to end your life, or even stress about. I've been there, 4 schools in 7 years to finish my undergrad. All I can really advise is that you find even the smallest passion and find a way to make it grow. I know it sounds stupid and cliche, but has been working for me over the last 3 months.
  8. tripa

    tripa New Member

    Thanks for all the kind words and support from all of you.

    I've come to realise that these are constant thoughts that flow in when I am feeling low. I guess for me, it's just a part of my thought process which I have to work on changing.

    Life can be a real bitch sometimes though!
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