I have struggled with depression for over 10 years. I have been to many psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors. I have been on various different medications. I have been hospitalized twice for it. For all of this time, I have been trying to find peace and happiness wherever I can: careers, school, hobbies, etc., but no matter what I cannot find it. The only place I can find it is being in love with someone, and I always screw that up and it ends very badly, always with my heart shattered and me feeling like I've hurt the other person so much. Just recently, I dated someone for a month. I fell for her hard and fast, and we seemed to hit it off. But two days ago, she said she didn't feel the spark anymore and dumped me. It has devastated me. I have been in bed since, haven't eaten, and just am completely shut down. Why I am so screwed up? I am so exhausted of trying to find happiness that I can never achieve. Why is it so bad to just want to stop going at this point?