100 lb Obsession

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Warm Hands, Apr 24, 2010.

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  1. Warm Hands

    Warm Hands Well-Known Member

    mmk. If this is in the wrong place, I'm sorry. Maybe it should be in the 'let it all out' forum or whatever it is, as this has turned out to be a bit of a rant. sort of.

    Right. So. Iiiiii have an eating disorder. Anorexia. And I am hella in denial about that. In fact, this is really the first time I've 'admitted' that I have one. It's one thing to say I have disordered eating... But switch those words around...

    It started last February. I was in my first year of university living in residence and it was the worst experience of my life. I made absolutely no friends, met no one, didn't even speak with my roommate.Essencially lived in isolation for 8 months except for the times I'd see my now exgirlfriend who lived 40 minutes away from me by train.

    Anyway, it started with me getting super depressed and then because I felt like I was hurting people (mainly my girlfriend) by rejecting their help and being such an epic fail and all, I'd 'punish' myself for hurting them by not eating. Things then continued to get worse and worse. I ended up dropping out of all but one of my classes, started cutting myself and eating only a muffin a day.Things with my girlfriend get really bad too, yet we didn't break up. After school ended I basically spent all of May and June wrapped up in a blanket, sleeping all day on the couch, only going out to go to work.

    I started going for days without eating. Like. 5 days in a row. Well. 4 and a halfish. 115 hours in a row without eating at all. Zero calorie consumption. Not even chewing gum. I'd barely drink anything either. If I did, it would be water, or black tea. But I didn't want to drink anything because I felt like I'd retain all the weight of my drink. I went from being 5'6 and 138lbs on Jan 1 2009 to 101.1lbs June 26 2009 losing 15 pounds in June alone.

    My goal was to be 100lbs. I made it to 101.1. Close enough, right? Wrong. I cannot get past this. I have to see 100 lbs. I NEED to. It is all I think about.

    Over the summer I gained back all the weight that I lost -- much to my dismay. Then on October 1st I decided that enough was enough and so I started really not eating again and started losing two pounds a week. I made it to 104 lbs at the end on January and I was on target to being 100lbs by February 14th and had wonderful plans for a "new beginning" on Feb 15.

    However. I dunno what the hell happened, but my plan really hit the skids and I just started eating again for like all of February. But then I refocused again and on March 1st I started again on the losing 2lbs a week plan with a target of being 100 lbs by April 24 (today). I got to 103.5 on April 10 after going 7 complete days without eating. So again, I was right on target. But then the same thing happened and I've started eating like it's my job again and I haven't weighed myself in about a week because I know the number I see with really make me want to die.

    Except I won't actually kill myself unless it's 100 because I don't want to die fat. But the thing is is that I know I'm not fat. Not even close. But I feel fat. Not eating makes me feel good. It makes me feel accomplished. I can't tell anyone about it becuase they''ll all flip shit. But it's like an adrenaline rush that keeps pushing me to go for longer. And when I do eat I feel like a giant failure and like I've given in.

    Maybe I should give in. Maybe I should just accept the fact that I'm not suppose to weigh 100 lbs. But the thing is is that I was so close.... I am so close... And I just need to see it and say I've done it - even if only to myself - and then I can start to move on from all of this. And I honestly believe I can... If i don't do it now, then it'll be something I'll always want to do and I'll never full move on from it and be truly happy. Until I do it will continue to consume my every thought and control everything I do.

    Anyway. This is the longest post ever. And far more than I planned on saying. My apologies to anyone who actually read this all.
  2. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member


    I don't have anything really useful to offer, just a couple of rambly thoughts with random paragraph breaks..

    I can really relate to a lot of what you've written.. not the numbers, but the mentality. I can relate to the adrenalin rush (like runner's high almost.. an endorphins kind of thing), and the feeling of focus, and the self-punishment, and the basing of your entire self-worth as a human on success or failure as determined by a little plastic board with numbers on it.

    A lot of people who can't relate to this kind of thinking assume that everyone who is like this is ONLY like this because they watched too many episodes of Top Model or something. And a lot of people who DO think like this think that the "rush" of hitting the goal will last, that they are going to find the pot of gold at the end of their rainbow once they hit their goal weight and everything is going to be all smiley.

    The thing that sucks is, of course, that the act of HAVING a goal (working, getting the rush, focusing all your self-punishment and insecurities and head-demons on something that gives you insta-feedback in the form of a number) is the addictive thing, there is nothing automatically magical about the goal number itself, whatever it is.. So likely as not, if and when you hit 100 you'll probably just go for 99, or 95, or 90, because there you are at 100 and everything is still shit, right?

    From my own experiences: I am 5'10.5'', and once upon a time I weighed 175, and I knew I was maybe a bit chubby but I was basically okay with it. And then I wasn't okay with it anymore, and then I decided to get in shape, and at first everything was very healthy, I had a program, I had numbers to watch, reps to count, goals, people were giving me compliments, I had more stamina, blah blah.

    And then something clicked and it wasn't healthy anymore. I dunno, long story, pills, exercise, starving, throwing up, counting the carbs in sugarfree gum, then just giving up and eating everything everything everything for a while. Lose gain lose gain lose gain lose. You know the drill. I was never diagnosed with anything, nobody ever suspected, it wasn't actually even as dramatic as it sounds here on paper.

    And basically one day I was in a dressing room trying on swimsuits, and I had been running around trying on different swimsuits in every store around me for four hours, hating all of them, hating how terrible I looked in everything, angry with myself for not being able to lose the weight, angry that I couldn't just get a goddamn grip and meet my friends at the lake because I didn't have a suit because I hadn't bought one in six years because I was too ashamed.

    And I tried on like the 1500th goddamn swimsuit for the day, and I looked in the mirror, and somewhere deep in the recesses of my freak-o head I realized, in the abstract, that I weighed 123 pounds and the old 175-pound me would have KILLED to look like I did. And I was practically in tears because of how awful I thought I was because I had never gotten under 120.

    I didn't buy that suit either. Then it started pouring rain, so I missed the lake trip anyway, har har.

    Errr. Where was I? The points I had:

    1) Good good good work, admitting that you have an ED to yourself. Good first step.
    2) Finding someone you can trust to talk about it would be another good second step. (Family, psychiatrist, friends.. Or just here on the Inter Web Net I guess)
    3) The thing where you are eating and eating and eating (and therefore can't get to 100 pounds) has nothing to do with willpower. That is your body's survival instinct kicking in, seven days without even water could even give you a heart attack or a stroke if your body chemistry is already jacked up from a year of starving and binging. Worst-case scenario but that is where the instinct is coming from.

    I wish I could tell you I was all the way towards "looking back at all of it and laughing" but I think there are other people on here who can.. the thing that helps me the most is setting as many other goals as possible (things to get done today, cleaning plans, savings plans, time plans, whatever) full of millions of tiny little things so that I can get that "accomplishment rush" as many other ways as possible.. some people are helped by "flipping" the mentality, like setting a minimum number of calories that they want to reach for the day.. sometimes it helps to plan a bunch of small meals or snacks into the day so that you are never really hungry and your body doesn't kick you into binge-mode, helping you break the cycle..

    I dunno, sorry to ramble so much. check out something-fishy.org if you haven't, they have a lot of helpful information!

    also, welcome, and I am jealous of your "Warm Hands", mine are always ice-cold (despite my user name)
  3. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    Just wanted to say that I identify *so much* with your post.

    I'm not going to ask you to eat, because I know how much good that will do. But take your vitamins and try to drink some Propel or something (it has the salts like Gatorade, but almost zilch calories. It can help your electrolytes from getting out of whack.)
  4. Warm Hands

    Warm Hands Well-Known Member

    I weighed myself this morning and I was 110.2 lbs and I was | | close to bursting into tears. So now I just have to think 5 more weeks and then I'll be able to move on from this... But I'm sure that I won't actually make it to 100 by then just like every other goal I've set

    I've tried talking to a few different counsellors but I didn't really make a connection with any of them so I didn't see any of them for more than two sessions...

    My mum is always on my case to take vitamins but I never do. Perhaps I really should though. I don't purposly not take them, I just never think to take them.
  5. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    I'm the same way with vitamins....I just forget to take them.

    This is going to sound so simplistic and dumb...but try not to worry about your weight from day-to-day. Having to take a poo can add at least two lbs to me, and if you're dehydrated that can mess with things too once you actually eat/drink. It's going to sound hard, but try not to weigh yourself every day. Just try.
  6. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    I can relate to so much that you are saying, except I don't weigh myself because I know I will get upset I go more by body cues, which bones are sticking out etc.,
  7. Warm Hands

    Warm Hands Well-Known Member

    I go by this too, but even though I know the number will upset me i still weigh myself. Mostly because I'm always hoping for some miraculous weightloss and I'll be 100...
  8. i cant say i have anorexia because i currently weigh too much, but i have been close to that magic number myself a few times during my life. i was down to a size 2 and 107 pounds, but at 5'5" and having a large frame i was told i looked like i was dying of cancer. my goal was 100 too (and the much coveted size 0) but something always kept me from getting there. looking back now i can easily see what they were talking about. but when you are THERE and so close to your goal, i could not be convinced there was such a thing as too thin.

    that is why it is nearly impossible for me to "diet" or try to lose weight because once i do, something always changes in my mind and keeps telling me to go beyond my original goal. the goal always will get lower and lower.
  9. risenrose

    risenrose New Member

    I can only say I've also had the feeling of wanting to be skinny but I soon realize that being skinny does not necessarily mean healthy. I'm at 5' 7" at about 120 lbs. My goal was also 100 lbs. I remember at times when I would only drink water and stopped eating until I had to eat.

    Well all I can offer is to throw out the scale. It might make you feel a lot better about not having to measure yourself. That's what I did and I finally accepted my weight...
  10. Warm Hands

    Warm Hands Well-Known Member

    I know that skinny doesn't mean healthy, especially in my case..

    It's really just something that I need to do..
  11. savetoniqht

    savetoniqht Well-Known Member

    I can relate... In the opposite direction, but the whole obsessing over numbers thing i understand. Reaching 100lbs was my biggest fear... Anytime I got close I'd freak out. (I'm barely over 5ft, it's not extreme.) I wish I had advice for you, but all I can really offer is that you're not alone. :hug:
  12. Frys

    Frys Well-Known Member

    Trust me, making it to 100 lbs wont make you feel any better about yourself.

    I used to be obsessed about making it to 100lbs too, until I actually made it. It's just that with anorexia, once you've made it, it's not good enough and you'll set yourself another target weight. I managed to get out of it before it was to late, but I would advice you to get help before you reach it. I'm relatively healthy now, and I'm much happier then I was back then. It's never gonna stop before you stop it.
  13. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Exactly. Anorexia has nothing to do with weight, and everything to do with how you percieve yourself.
  14. Warm Hands

    Warm Hands Well-Known Member

    I know that...

    It's just that I need to say I did it.. that's all... I know it's not healthy. I know it makes me look awful. I know I'll likely want to push it further when I get there...

    But I just need to see it first before I'll be really willing to get on with things.
  15. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I know what you are going through, and by denying your body food you have the feeling of control. This life is full of situations and events that are out of our control, and here you are with something that you can control. But my friend that is a lie, because if you were truly in control you would be able to stop. Your body is a machine, and it needs fuel to survive. Is being in control, and weighing at 100 pounds worth your life, and soul? I would hope not. Please seek professional and spiritual help. Which ever you are open to. This is not healthy and can lead to death. There are many things you can control that will not harm you, nor have a risk of death. It is your choice. Blessings..
  16. Warm Hands

    Warm Hands Well-Known Member

    I DID IT! I DID IT! =D

    Now I can finally start moving on
  17. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I don't see that anyone is going to be happy for you other than you. I suspect when the euphoria wears off you won't feel any different and then may end up with a lower target and so it continues.

    What is it you need to 'move on' from?
  18. Warm Hands

    Warm Hands Well-Known Member

    Well duh... No need to burst my bubble so soon...

    I know that it's not really over, but now that I've done what I really wanted to do, I'm at least willing to start trying to move on from the issues that I have
  19. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Maybe its worth looking into getting some proper help to allow you to genuinely move forward from the pain you feel?

    It might be worth it. I hope your body is not too damaged and that you are able to fight for the future happiness you deserve :)
  20. toprngr

    toprngr Member

    I believe that you are not obsessed over anything. You just wanted the best for yourself. In fact, if you really wanted to cut of weight, you should be doing a few stuff, like having a healthy eating habit, exercising regularly, etc. there are a lot of things you should do if you want to reduce your weight and reach a weight that you desired. I have to say that it is not easy but it is not that hard either.
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