mmk. If this is in the wrong place, I'm sorry. Maybe it should be in the 'let it all out' forum or whatever it is, as this has turned out to be a bit of a rant. sort of. Right. So. Iiiiii have an eating disorder. Anorexia. And I am hella in denial about that. In fact, this is really the first time I've 'admitted' that I have one. It's one thing to say I have disordered eating... But switch those words around... It started last February. I was in my first year of university living in residence and it was the worst experience of my life. I made absolutely no friends, met no one, didn't even speak with my roommate.Essencially lived in isolation for 8 months except for the times I'd see my now exgirlfriend who lived 40 minutes away from me by train. Anyway, it started with me getting super depressed and then because I felt like I was hurting people (mainly my girlfriend) by rejecting their help and being such an epic fail and all, I'd 'punish' myself for hurting them by not eating. Things then continued to get worse and worse. I ended up dropping out of all but one of my classes, started cutting myself and eating only a muffin a day.Things with my girlfriend get really bad too, yet we didn't break up. After school ended I basically spent all of May and June wrapped up in a blanket, sleeping all day on the couch, only going out to go to work. I started going for days without eating. Like. 5 days in a row. Well. 4 and a halfish. 115 hours in a row without eating at all. Zero calorie consumption. Not even chewing gum. I'd barely drink anything either. If I did, it would be water, or black tea. But I didn't want to drink anything because I felt like I'd retain all the weight of my drink. I went from being 5'6 and 138lbs on Jan 1 2009 to 101.1lbs June 26 2009 losing 15 pounds in June alone. My goal was to be 100lbs. I made it to 101.1. Close enough, right? Wrong. I cannot get past this. I have to see 100 lbs. I NEED to. It is all I think about. Over the summer I gained back all the weight that I lost -- much to my dismay. Then on October 1st I decided that enough was enough and so I started really not eating again and started losing two pounds a week. I made it to 104 lbs at the end on January and I was on target to being 100lbs by February 14th and had wonderful plans for a "new beginning" on Feb 15. However. I dunno what the hell happened, but my plan really hit the skids and I just started eating again for like all of February. But then I refocused again and on March 1st I started again on the losing 2lbs a week plan with a target of being 100 lbs by April 24 (today). I got to 103.5 on April 10 after going 7 complete days without eating. So again, I was right on target. But then the same thing happened and I've started eating like it's my job again and I haven't weighed myself in about a week because I know the number I see with really make me want to die. Except I won't actually kill myself unless it's 100 because I don't want to die fat. But the thing is is that I know I'm not fat. Not even close. But I feel fat. Not eating makes me feel good. It makes me feel accomplished. I can't tell anyone about it becuase they''ll all flip shit. But it's like an adrenaline rush that keeps pushing me to go for longer. And when I do eat I feel like a giant failure and like I've given in. Maybe I should give in. Maybe I should just accept the fact that I'm not suppose to weigh 100 lbs. But the thing is is that I was so close.... I am so close... And I just need to see it and say I've done it - even if only to myself - and then I can start to move on from all of this. And I honestly believe I can... If i don't do it now, then it'll be something I'll always want to do and I'll never full move on from it and be truly happy. Until I do it will continue to consume my every thought and control everything I do. Anyway. This is the longest post ever. And far more than I planned on saying. My apologies to anyone who actually read this all.