Well, this is my first ever post, and I feel kind of dumb that I'm talking about this on the internet. I'm only doing this because my ma is nosey and looks through my journals, and my phone isn't a place to write notes. Well, ever since I was 15, I have fantasized about killing myself. I'm twenty now, and I still fantasize. I do not know why, or what makes me this way. I guess it was because for ten years, my father molested and beat me. From ages five to fifteen, he got married when I turned 15. Every day I pretend to be happy, knowing it isn't true, because I can't feel real happiness. It is painful, I can't take it anymore.