1000 and still where I am at 1.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Mar 20, 2011.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    So this is my 1000th post. I am still in the same position as I was when I first came on here in 2007. If anything I am in a worse position.

    I have tried to be honest about how I feel and what is going on for me but it seems as though that makes things worse. So I don't know why I bothered trying in the first place.

    I want to do this course. I want to do well. Yet the thoughts of suicide are a constant. Surly it's not normal to fantasise about taking your own life and picturing your own death. Playing it out in your head over and over and over. I live for my work. When I am at work/placement I have control. It doesn't affect it. I can't say it's not that the thoughts don't occur, they do. But I can control them more. I can ensure they don't have any impact on what I do. The day that they do is the day I hang up the boots.

    Why, when I want to do this so much, am I still fantasising about my own death. Why am I even planning it still?

    Why am I secreting blades in places, just in case.

    I have this awful feeling I am going to end up in hospital and I have started preparing for it. I have hidden blades in places I know wouldn't get searched. And if I was informal which I would have to agree to as if sectioned then it's on your records and will come up in searches. And if you are informal they can't force your medication, and you can leave the ward when you want. So I have made the decision if they turned round to me and said you need to be in hospital etc etc etc I suppose I would have to agree so it didn't go down the sectioning route.

    The two people in me are getting further and further apart. It's strong that I want to do this course and succeed. But it's strong that I am now even thinking that I don't care if looks like a suicide. And I have a plan should I be made to go in to hospital which I know would work.

    This whole thing is sending me mad. It's making me have really delusional, paranoid thoughts. It's making my thoughts go at over a million miles an hour, I am restless, I don't know what to do.

    How can I ask for benzo's from the GP on Tuesday when I want a fit note from him.
  2. skysunsand

    skysunsand Well-Known Member

    But at least here, you have a supportive network of people who care. Do you have your own therapist? Are you already on any sort of medication? It could be the medication talking, and you just need your prescription changed...
    I'm not sure what all the hospital jargon meant there, with formal or informal or sectioned...so I can't really say anything to that. And...informal doesn't make sense, if you can leave whenever you want, why even go in the first place? Logically it doesn't add up. Ah, bureaucracy!
    I would suggest you take the advice you gave someone else on this forum- write a letter to your doctor explaining your feelings. Print out the post you just made, if you need to. You need the help from a professional who cares about your condition.
    And all of us are here for you. :hug: Feel free to PM me if you need anything!
  3. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the reply but it's a bit more complicated than just letting them know my feelings. That is where it all stems from. Have a look at my blog and you will get what I mean.

  4. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    What are your suicidal feelings like? Are they passive or active? Are they "I wish something would kill me" or "I have to kill myself"?

    Are you feeling that sense of urgency? As in, you're sitting down doing something completely normal, when all of a sudden suicide pops into your head, and you feel this intense urge, and it feels like you have to kill yourself right now.

    I get those. Hopefully you don't, because those are a great reason to check in.
  5. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    The thoughts are both.

    It can just pop in my head or it can be a long thought process.
  6. Lizzieni

    Lizzieni Well-Known Member

    Hi GP
    I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I know you don't want to hear this but if your suicide ideation is so strong then maybe you do need a break from your studies/placement. Whilst you say it doesn't interfer with your work, the fact that you control those thoughts when in work shows hey exist as a problem. Maybe I'm being idealist but I'd like to think we'll all reach a stage where those thoughts don't exist. As for it being your 1000th post - no-one said howling this journey would be!
    I thnk if you took a break, nor only would you concentrate on getting better and workng through your issues with Sam or another, but you could return to your studies almost carefree. Since being off work ill I've come to realise that the world doesn't crash and the worst doesn't happen. Afterall we work for the taxman for many, many decades- isn't it better to have a small break and then a 'happy' life?
    Ok I'm rambling- I really hope the situation wth Sam doesn't put you off therapy, ireally helps.x
  7. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Part of me is scared about forced breaks. I really think I would get worse. I am worse when I am not busy and when I have breaks. Also in that this is the second time it would have happened. I had to take a break from my undergrad as of my depression and crap. I don't want to do it again. I don't feel that I am not able to work. I am able. I do have regular supervision so it's not as though I can make a huge fuck up or anything.

    But then I have a plan now. This whole situation makes things worse and I now have a plan. I don't have a date but there is a plan which there wasn't before. It's only if this this and that happens so not definite will happen. But it's bad in a way that I have come up with this now.

    If none of this was happening I would be in a better place. But this is making me a bit weird. I feel as though I am not myself anymore and I am watching someone else live their life.

    I keep thinking did I dream it. It doesn't seem real. I can function though. I don't understand what is happening to me.
  8. Lizzieni

    Lizzieni Well-Known Member

    Sorry to say but that's crap, just crap. There isn't a better word word for how you're feeling. Girl Interrupted is on Viva channel if you want a sympathetic distraction. If you took a break you could always do relevant p/t volntary work which could only help your cv after your course?

    You are not alone in your feelings, I've had plans - which didn't work out!
  9. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    What's crap?

    What I mean is. Yeh I have issues, but, the situation at the moment is making me all weird. Like I am on something. I feel hyper and speeded up etc.

    I have seen Girl, interupted recently. I am in bed now anyway.

    I'm just saying plans have been made should things get any worse.

    I've still not made my mind up about therapy. I can't see the point if I can't talk freely about my feelings. And obviously if I do that it makes me a risk to other people. I'm not. But if people are going to have that opinion then I can't speak freely and so can't see the point.
  10. Lizzieni

    Lizzieni Well-Known Member

    Sorry that's my all-inclusive word for describing how depression makes us feel-not imaginative I know!
    As for therapy I think that's why taking a break maybe an answer- it would give you the freedom to speak. And as you said you hadn't talked about your issues Indepth before so that would make this break different - and work I hope.
    Sleep tight.x
  11. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I have a feeling if I take a break I feel feel worse. And then talking about my feelings will lead to being in hospital etc as I wont be able to control anything.

    I don't really know what I can do. I have managed years without therapy. I guess I will just have to deal with things on my own like I have done in the past.

    I can't tell them that stopping will make things worse as looks like I am holding them to ransom over it.

    I have emailed Sam 2x now and she has not replied. I know in the past they have had problems with their servers. I think I need to call her don't I? I really don't want to do therapy anymore. I don't want to engage with anyone anymore. I can't see the point.
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