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Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by akalee_786, Oct 31, 2012.

  1. akalee_786

    akalee_786 Banned Member

    I'm not expecting anything from this post....
    I thought I experienced the highest of loneliness, fear, shame but I never util now, I feel like death I have no real emotion in me just this dead feeling as if I'm not living daily routine has just gone I feel as if my life is based on a blade and pills it's scaring me knowing what I become I always promised myself I would never become this person I always said I would never let self harm get this far but I guess I was fooling myself... The scars disgust me I feel sick looking at them knowing I have them but it's just not enough to make me stop, I can't do it anymore I can't go through this I thought I had it all under control I have nothing left I don't want to be ruled and controlled I feel as if I'm a puppet when I don't do exact what I'm told it's as if I committed a crime the only thing I have control over if my choice on life and death maybe it's not my only options but I feel it is I have a choice of living this or just not having to live it and I don't wanna live it I can't do it :( idk why I am the way I am or who I am for that matter I lost myself and I feel I'm empty with nothing in me just hollow wish it was over wish it never started each way I turn to is a brick wall I can't move forward I'm stuck I'll always be stuck I'll always be nothing I can't cope with the littlest of things no longer there too much I'm sorry for everything I ever done to anyone on here, I'm not gunna try and back myself up coz I don't need that I deserve to be told the truth I deserve to be feeling this right now idk what my intentions were and idk who I was or who I amy words are meaningless I did not intend to hurt anyone I will hurt no longer I will please no longer I will fight no longer
     
  2. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    If you expect anything from a post or not,I believe the mere act of posting it is enough, i most cases to release a slight burden on your heart and/or soul, so whenever you have something to say, be it in public forums on SF or in your private diary (if you keep one here) can be very therapeutic. At least, that is how I like to think whenever I post a thread or a post in my own diary.
    I know that you are feeling in a bad way now and that blades seem a good way to relieve yourself of stress and anxiety, but believe me, they are only a short term solution to any all problems, so I do hope that no matter how bad you feel, you do not surrender to those impulses, because they cause problems in the future, in the way of scars which, in almost every case, bring rise to anxiety because you rarely have any way to explain them away, if someone does accidentally see them. And I know how you feel, when you look at your own scars, because I have been there as well (or, rather, I should say that i am still there with you on a daily basis).
    Cutting is so easy, but what people who do not cut do not understand, is that it is like smoking; they are an addiction that you have to feed, because, like alcohol, they take away the mental pain for a short time before you wake up to reality and find out what you did, but unlike alcohol, depending on where you cut and how deep, the scars left behind will always remain with you as a reminded of what you have done and while some people can understand, even sympahise about why you felt the need to do it, they are there for good, like a permanent tattoo that you have to live with for the rest of your life.
    I used to cut, like you, and whenever i was outside, the one thing that kept me going when I got so anxious or depressed was that I could believe it all by cutting, so I felt exactly the same way about never thinking I could stop, but I have not cut now for going on eleven years (and still i get the urge from time to time) but what really got me to stop was the dangers it faced, how cutting can be a great source of relief, but at the same time, each cut you do, no matter how big or small or where of your body you cut, the dangers of those cuts getting infected by bacteria or if I accidentally cut too deep out of accident.

    Do not worry, you might feel like you are lost in this World, but take it from me - no one in this World truly knows where they are going or what they want for their life. Like you, everyone else just stumbles around in their daily lives, performing the same actions day in and day out, be they happy or not, because that is all they know what to do. Personally, I do not think that anyone really knows where they are or even that they themselves are lost, because they occupy themselves with mindless activities to see them through the day before starting the whole ting the next day. No one in the World is immune to knowing and getting everything they want, so when you start to feel like you are lost or have no guidance in your life or future goals, take a look at the people around you - they might seem to know what they are doing and have a purpose for everything they do, but when it comes right down to it, they are not any different to you or from me for that matter.

    You should try and teach yourself to stop thinking about the small things in life that upset you or the words or actions of people that degrade you to the point where you yourself start to believe it, but just hold yourself as high as you can and believe in yourself that, while you are different in many ways from everyone else, you have strength and courage and a will to do anything you set yourself to do and the only person who can ever hold you back from doing what it is you want to accomplish in this World is yourself.
    Never let yourself believe that you are less of a person than what you are; once you start to think that, that self doubt slowly grows until it consumes all of you and makes you believe whole heartedly that you are worthless and better off departed from this World. It is difficult, I understand to give yourself courage to face the things you want to do without fear or ridicule and it is even tougher to make yourself realise that you are just as worthwhile to the World as a stranger walking a dog down the road, but deep down, I believe that whatever negative things you feel about yourself or your life, there is always a spark of light within you - and everyone else - that is still alive, for you to draw strength from.
    Words are not meaningless, but while they are not the most important thing in the World, your actions are the greatest strength that you will ever have and because you think and feel and have the ability to do things in a life that you have been given, you should do everything in your power to do the things that you want to do. As long as you are alive, no matter the state of mind you are in, you will always have a chance to do something great, even if it is not World changing, but limited to your own life, anything you set out to do, big or small, is an acchievement that should not only be applauded but celebrated.
    So the next time you have that urge to cut, instead of picking up that razor blade or a knife, tell yourself that while it is one of your comforts, you do not need it, because you have so many other things that you can do to feel at peace and banish those anxiety and/or depressing emotions.

    I wish you all the best of luck, not just from me, but from this little cutie -> :bubbles:
    We both are and always will be cheering you on for a better tomorrow and a great future.
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun i have suffered someone that same emotions as you i did not mean to hurt anyone either on another forum but i was continually attacked for what i did You did not mean to harm anyone YOU are good ok you just have to look after one person now YOU Don't let anyone belittle you or make you feel like you are less they you are. YOU are important and you can only move forward now Take small steps hun at a time
     
  4. akalee_786

    akalee_786 Banned Member

    I'm sorry I'm not aware of the personal dairy?
     
  5. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    You can go to the forum - Emotional Support - Let it all out - Members' Diary and start one (basically it is like your own personal real-life diary that you can let off steam with and choose to set it so that only you can view it and reply to it or you can have it so that you can write in it but still let others be able to read it but not letting them reply).

    Ugh - it is only 4 in the AM so I apologise that my mind is still 3/4 asleep and not able to explain things clearly at all -,-

    But anyway, here is the quick link to the sub-forum:
    http://www.suicideforum.com/forumdisplay.php?96-Members-Diary

    Be sure to read the sticky :Making your open diary change to a private diary" before you create one though; it will give you a better explanation that anything I can tell you this time of the morning!

    :bubbles:
    dango dango^^
     
  6. akalee_786

    akalee_786 Banned Member

    Thank you