....

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by gem77, Feb 13, 2013.

  1. gem77

    gem77 Well-Known Member

    i know i probably sound selfish and ungrateful as i should appreciate what i have. but i cant seem to be happy or feel anything remotely close to this feeling. when you're younger it was much easier to get excited by things and enjoy life but for me i feel like im just passing through life, empty. i have found buying things used to give me a short term fix but now i feel nothing. i dont get excited about anything. im a little worried i might be devoid of this emotion as i cannot remember the last time i felt remotely good. i hurt myself for the first time a few weeks ago just to cope, and get the attention of someone i like at work. ive posted before about this and the rational part of me knows this would never work but i seem to have fixated on this guy and made him my means of being happy. this isnt a good thing as i know it doesnt make sense to most but he has this power over me where i could seriously hurt myself over him. nothing makes me feel good apart from this person, this sort of stranger who had no idea the effect he has on me. i feel like im just waiting, waiting to end things, waiting for someone or something to give me that push i need. i feel like i want to close my eyes and be done with it. im tired of everything, i dont like what im becoming. my job keeps me a little sane as im around people but if i didnt have this i dont know what i'd be like..probably a worse version of myself. i tend to over think things, so much so that i get to a point where i cant process things and feel like im suffocating then this makes me lash out. whats wrong with me? why cant i just be normal and get on with everyone and do things a girl in her 20's should do. i do tend to distance myself from people, and now i have gotten into the habit of lying on a daily basis. sometimes i have to stop myself before i go too far. i look at couples i see sometimes and desire to have that. someone to talk to who gets me. but then i get days where i am repulsed by relationships. i dont like how i let myself get dominated by others. i hate people the people around me most days. little things that i try not to let bother me like the way they gossip and stab each other in the back. because i dont join in and show my distaste at it im excluded, rejected. i dont feel like i fit into most cliques. dont really belong anywhere. have a dysfunctional family. dont really have anyone, any friends. too scared to take risks. dont have any direction in my life. keep living in my head hoping for a fairytale ending. put all my hopes into this stranger guy who will be my so called 'salvation'. wanting him to save me, dont know from what, maybe myself. gosh this makes me sound so weak but im in a rut where i cant help but let this person dictate my actions. tired of feeling alone. i stay up throughout the night just watching time ticking by. theres just nothingness in my life. surely my happiness or any feelings close to it cant be determined my this person. i should make my own happiness then i have control over it. but again i feel nothing and am left with waiting...

    [apologies for any incoherent rambling, i just needed to get out what was in my head]
     
  2. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I have the same push / pull.. relationships and looking for something or someone to take control of me and total.repulsion making me sick and want to.puke :( sorry u feel.this way.. i also in my 20s
     
  3. gem77

    gem77 Well-Known Member

    hi Youkai, thanks for responding. im sorry you feel this way too. i wish i was like other people in their 20s just getting on with life but ive lost all motivation. i dont like the power this person has over me i really wish he didnt. my happiness should be dependent on me that way i can control it. i hope things get better for you. take care