Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Syn, Mar 25, 2013.

  1. Syn

    Syn Well-Known Member

    If you're reading this, you're probably wasting your time. I'm sure your time would be better spent helping someone else. (Seriously, I don't even know if this will make sense...)

    Tonight I really just wanted to talk to someone, anyone. I just didn't want to be alone. Funny how that works when you can't find the words to say. I'd be messaging one of my friends right now, but I think I pissed them off. Yet another friend, chased off. So I guess that was the last person willing to talk to me. I always end up alone, but I find a comfort in that. I find the most incredible solace in depression and loneliness. It's like free falling. I feel so close to the edge, like I could leap off and leave this world forever. Just melt away into this solace.

    I heard a story recently. It was about a golden gate bridge suicide. One guy killed himself and left a note. You know what it said? I'm gonna walk the bridge, if even a single person smiles at me I won't do it...

    I'm almost at the end of the bridge. Do you ever get that really calm feeling when you think about suicide? I don't know if I feel that calm all the time or if I just think about suicide all the time.

    I always wondered if it was true that everyone is meant for someone. I can't really believe that myself, but say it was true. Well, what if that person you were meant to be with commit suicide? Do you have to keep looking, for someone you'll never find anyways? Would you met them after death? Or is it too late?

    Drugs and disconnection, an injection of searing rejection, an infection of rotted affections. Dejection, I don't belong here.

    I left this forum because I felt like I was worthless. Then I came back to try to ask for help. I couldn't bring myself to ask, even though I wanted to break down and scream that I need help. How could I expect help? Help with what? We have to figure out the cause of our suicidal ideaologies, and then we can change them. So what happens when there is no reason? What happens when you don't even know why, you just want out? It feels like nothing will help, all you want to do is lay down and never get back up?

    Goodbye is different than good night. You don't really pay as close of attention to the word choice of someone else until after the fact. I know which one my friend said. It wouldn't matter which one I said though, who do I have to say them to?

    I hate waking up. Not because of all the stuff I have to do, or because I feel like hell, or even because I woke up to yet another screaming match and the sounds of banging, and glass breaking. I hate waking up simply because I woke up.

    Words are an interesting thing. They always seem to slip out of your grasp when you need them most. I hate it when I can't help others with their problems. I feel like I failed, again. Sometimes words slip out, at the worst possible time. What seems like a good idea in a single moment of euphoria can burn a bridge, break a heart, and destroy the recovery process.

    Sometimes healing hurts more than getting hurt in the first place, but the kicker is it takes a lot longer to heal than it does to hurt. Is there ever a point where you're too hurt to heal? Too broken to ever be fixed? What about someone on their deathbed? Could so many injuries possibly heal so fast? So, how do you know it's too late to ever truly heal? How do you know it's not?

    When dreams die, where do they go? I haven't seen mine in so long I've forgotten what they looked like. Maybe I wasn't addicted to drugs? Perhaps I was important? I think someone might have been by my side.

    With dreams come reason. Without reason why stay? What happens when you lose the ability to dream?

    What happens when you die? What happens when you live? What happens when you can't find your balance? Stumbling blindly down a back alley, unsure as to how you got on the ground. Where you are, or why you're so tired all the sudden. What happens when excess becomes the only way to cope? What happens when pushing the edge of overdose just doesn't do it anymore?

    Even if I had an awnser to every question here, I don't think I'd have a single awnser I need.

    I don't think there is an awnser, or a purpose, or anyone waiting for me.

    Why does disappearing sound so nice?

    Why does it feel like it's the only way?
  2. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist


    I've no words myself right now, but wanted you to know you were heard. Hopefully some others will have better words than I.

    Pls stay safe.
  3. Much afraid

    Much afraid Well-Known Member

    Because it feels like it will fix it - we think it will stop the pain? Don't know for sure - what if it just delays it briefly? That might just be worse.

    In case you're looking for a single smile - :D

    It's not much but I heard your words and if we passed on that bridge I'd smile at you. ♥