Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Wastingecho, Apr 21, 2013.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i can't do this - unless i can sit in absolute peace and not THINK or FEEL anything - i can't stop falling

    the pain of knowing i'll always be and die alone, that i'm not going to find an end to feeling worthless and unwanted

    if i think, or read, or watch a movie, tv, even a freaking commercial, the pain keeps surging through my stomach and grabs me by the throat - any scene where something nice or kind happens, no matter how small, makes me want to curl in to a ball and die

    been this way for days and i've been trying to wait it out, trying to cope and i just can't handle it any more

    hiding in my bedroom the past several nights while everyone else is playing games or watching tv

    opening up my IM programs and looking at all the contacts that i'm not in touch with any more

    broke down last week and actually called someone - it was the first human voice outside of work that i'd heard in two years - couldn't even stay on for 2 minutes and was barely coherent

    a part of me wants to fill up my tank and drive east until i run out of land - then keep going

    taken me the better part of 18 hours to try and write this much

    how can i hope that things will change when i don't deserve it?
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You DO deserve for things to change. And I know you don't believe that right now... I realize your mind is telling you the complete opposite. I know these words can't change how you feel about yourself, but I hope even a tiny part of you will at least consider what I'm saying. I wouldn't lie to you... if I didn't honestly beleve you deserve happiness, I wouldn't say it.

    You aren't worthless or unwanted. I know that's another thing your mind is convincing you of, but it isn't true.

    I know I don't always know the right words to say, but I'm always here, and I'll always care. :hug:
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    It may sound like a very small thing - but is there someplace else you can hide for an hour or two today or any day besides your bedroom? Different room in house- out back of house - nearby woods or field- quiet park bench? It is just about getting a change of scenery - any change - even small - to give your thoughts a small chance to see something different or to make mind have to think at least about a different picture while in your thoughts?

    You cant change years in a day or even a month - nut maybe you can change something you can control - like where to be alone with your thoughts- just so you feel you are controlling some small piece of your situation? It may be worth a try...

    I happen to know for a fact - 100% certain - that a lot of people care about you a great deal even though I do not know you personally very well. What I have heard about you makes me think you are a very good person and definitely do deserve more.

    Take Care and Be Safe

  4. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    change of scenery doesn't help - went out by myself to get milk this morning and could barely see through the tears that i did not expect but could not fight

    no matter where i go i can't get away from myself
  5. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    Does distracting help? do stuff to completely take your mind off it x
  6. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Nothing I can do

    Every breath i take hurts
  7. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    can you call me? ill give you my number if you want
  8. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    no privacy - couldn't call even if i thought i could handle it
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I just wanted to give you a :hug:
  10. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    wish i had a hug

    but i know i'm never going to have one that means anything

    the thought of someone coming that close makes me cringe - no one should touch me
  11. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    daughter didn't want to stay downstairs while i was doing laundry and came up and put tangled on tv

    mostly ignored it

    then came the last duet - full of everything i will never have

    breathing was hard enough before i got punched in the stomach again by this

    can't post what i want to because the mods would have to edit it out

    use your imaginations
  12. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    emotionally numb most of the day - slept as late as i could - woke up just long enough to get to the train then slept for the ride to work

    tried to keep busy with mindless work at the office so that i didn't have enough time to think

    zoned out on the trip home in a single seat in and end-of-the-car alcove so i didn't have to look at anyone else - almost missed getting off the train

    but now i'm home and sitting here screaming inside my head - i just want to get through the next few hours until i can escape to bed again
  13. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    a little over 3 weeks to graduation - finally have a little money to get her a graduation gift

    wants to be a teacher but she's also a certified emt - figured i could get her a stocked jump bag

    started looking for them, reading the list of contents

    my brain is not in a good place - thinking if i don't buy her one, she won't be able to save me when the time comes

    if i was like my father or my brother or my uncle or most men in my family i would just crawl into a bottle but i hate alcohol - odd man out again - who said god doesn't have a sense of humor?

    stuck in this cycle and i can't find a way out - going to disappear some time soon - her graduation is the last goal left
  14. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    two weeks until graduation

    then my future finally ceases to have any meaning

    no more reasons to keep putting up with the pain, with the failure

    thought i had a reason once, but that's gone

    should never even had dared to believe - should have known better
  15. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Just posting to let you know I care...please text me when you feel up to it
  16. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :hug: Your life will always have meaning, because whether you believe it or not, YOU have meaning. You matter, even though you don't feel like you do.
  17. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    never really mattered to anyone

    to my father i was his way to compete with his sister's family

    to my wife i'm an atm and manservant

    to my friends...oh wait

    want so much that i'm never going to have

    want to find a partner

    want to live someplace that feels like home

    want to be loved just because i'm me

    want someone to hold me in their heart for a change

    if i haven't find this at my age, it's never going to happen
  18. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I wish I knew the right words to help you believe that you do matter to someone, that you do have friends and people that genuinely care about you.
  19. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    don't think those words exist
  20. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I think they do, it just takes time to find them.
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