Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Zueri, Apr 28, 2013.

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  1. Zueri

    Zueri Well-Known Member

    It's fucking frustrating as fuck. Yeah, "frustrating" is the term that I'm going to use.

    A few years ago, my boss roofied me and had his way with me at a work party. I came to consciousness when he was almost finished, but in between the nausea and the headache from the drug, I didn't even bother to fight him.

    I feel like that experience caused me to question a lot about myself and my self confidence. IE, what sort of idiot was I to have put myself in the situation that I ended up in? Obviously, my boss didn't respect me at all if he decided to roofie me. Why should I bother respecting myself?

    I'm not really sure how to work through that issue, and I'm pretty sure it's tainting most of the relationships I have nowadays. It probably doesn't help that I keep putting myself in the same goddamn situations over and over and over again. Drinking, bars, parties. It makes the dullness of the rote routine of work go away, but I'm fully aware that it's a shallow & stupid way to pass the time. Dangerous too, I guess. I've wound up in questionable situations more than once, and I've been drugged twice since that initial time.
    I refuse to talk about what happened with my boss with anybody who knows me in person. It's a vicious circle of silence that I don't know how to break. I don't want to tell my friends or people I'm dating because I'm afraid they'll lose respect for me, or that they'll start to see me differently and treat me with kiddie gloves like I'm some sort of victim. Time passes, and then I'm unable to trust the person because I don't feel like they know me well enough. They can't possibly claim to know me well, if they don't know that about me. (RIGHT?! Yeah. Stupid. Apparently it's how my head works.) Not even gonna talk about dating. I feel like I can't comfortably be in a relationship with somebody who knows that about me, but I also can't be in a relationship who doesn't know that about me. I've recently realized thinking about it that I have trouble even admitting it was 'rape.' My brain just opts to view it as my own stupidity.

    All this leads to me feeling hopelessly alone and like I'm unable to connect with anybody. Then I decide to go drinking, end up at a bar, and voila! The cycle perpetuates itself.

    Anybody else have similar experiences?
  2. Theowin

    Theowin Active Member

    A sort of similar experience but not the same. My deep dark secret is just my depression. I had a friend who absolutly hated people who were depressed. If someone was suicidal she thought they should carry out with it and do the world a favor. Obviously she's not my friend anymore. That was sick. It was also traumatizing. It took me years to confess to my friend that I suffered from the things. Now I still find it really hard to converse with people, people who want to get close to me, because I fear I will give something of that nature away and they will hate me.
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