I just keep reading and reading all the words that people here write, words that reflect exactly how I feel, describe just how I think. I want to reply but feel like I have no words of help as I feel so weak right now. I just cry and shake and wish none of us felt like this. I sometimes avoid coming here to try to pretend I don't need to, then other times I can't stop refreshing the page to see if anyone else will write words that I have in my head. I am really struggling at the moment, I joined here in 2010 when my kitty died, then a few months later her brother got sick and he has just died four weeks ago. I just can't believe they are both gone, they are my lifeline and they are gone. I had to make that horrid decision to have him put to sleep, I tried everything, even syringe feeding him food when he stopped eating and I have just cried ever since. They were my everything and like the cork that kept in all the bad stuff. Now it is all flowing out and I cannot stop it, everything triggers me and past stuff comes flashing back, even things I had no idea would trigger. Last year, online, I met a great guy, we became a couple in January and I felt happy and thought it was my chance at a normal life. I had been single for pretty much twelve years and wasn't even looking for anyone as I felt too damaged. Now I feel I wish I had nobody in my life who would get hurt if I go. I have always been a loner as I don't trust many, especially men. After I lost my baby girl I adopted two more as reasons to keep me here, I love them and would do anything for them and have two more broken kitties arriving tomorrow. In a moment of clarity I was wanting to find a purpose to my existance, reasons to go on and I decided caring for more kitties was it, to aim to one day set up a cat sanctuary/retirement home for unwanted kitties. I will love them and protect them from everything I can but I just worry I am trapping myself further from escaping. I have hardly spoken to BF as I have no reassuring words for him, he is great and I know I love him but I cannot even tell him that as all I feel is either numb or intense pain and sadness and thinking of my little man. I want to believe in something, that they are together now and I will join them one day, even wrote poems about it but I think I am just fantasising as I don't really believe. I wish I believed in any god but I don't, just to give meaning to life and a hope that there is more, better, after. I have been pushing BF away, he understands, but I see myself doing it and wonder why when I have the chance of some happiness amongst the crap. I just don't think it would be fair on him to be with someone so messed up, he is planning to change his entire life to be with me. I feel like I want to be alone just to have nobody to leave behind, to cut myself off from everyone except my babies. After so long of yearning to be less alone why would I want this? My head is always in total contradiction with itself. I know I can't hurt people, by going, so then I panic as I feel trapped, and for how long? If there was a button to press where I, or everything, just stopped existing, no pain, no knowledge of the impending doom, just no longer there.....I would press it without hesitation. I just want a boring life, no highs or intense lows, the highs never feel like they are the opposite end of the spectrum to balance out the lows, I just want to exist without sadness, I would do without the happiness if that were the case, just to feel neutral. I am just struggling to see the point in fighting for something when it ultimately fails anyway. In which other circumstance would we keep trying at something really hard and painful if we knew from the start we would fail in the end....there isn't one.