Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Atompilz, Jun 10, 2013.

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  1. Atompilz

    Atompilz Well-Known Member

    I just keep reading and reading all the words that people here write, words that reflect exactly how I feel, describe just how I think. I want to reply but feel like I have no words of help as I feel so weak right now. I just cry and shake and wish none of us felt like this. I sometimes avoid coming here to try to pretend I don't need to, then other times I can't stop refreshing the page to see if anyone else will write words that I have in my head.
    I am really struggling at the moment, I joined here in 2010 when my kitty died, then a few months later her brother got sick and he has just died four weeks ago. I just can't believe they are both gone, they are my lifeline and they are gone. I had to make that horrid decision to have him put to sleep, I tried everything, even syringe feeding him food when he stopped eating and I have just cried ever since. They were my everything and like the cork that kept in all the bad stuff. Now it is all flowing out and I cannot stop it, everything triggers me and past stuff comes flashing back, even things I had no idea would trigger.
    Last year, online, I met a great guy, we became a couple in January and I felt happy and thought it was my chance at a normal life. I had been single for pretty much twelve years and wasn't even looking for anyone as I felt too damaged. Now I feel I wish I had nobody in my life who would get hurt if I go. I have always been a loner as I don't trust many, especially men. After I lost my baby girl I adopted two more as reasons to keep me here, I love them and would do anything for them and have two more broken kitties arriving tomorrow. In a moment of clarity I was wanting to find a purpose to my existance, reasons to go on and I decided caring for more kitties was it, to aim to one day set up a cat sanctuary/retirement home for unwanted kitties. I will love them and protect them from everything I can but I just worry I am trapping myself further from escaping.
    I have hardly spoken to BF as I have no reassuring words for him, he is great and I know I love him but I cannot even tell him that as all I feel is either numb or intense pain and sadness and thinking of my little man. I want to believe in something, that they are together now and I will join them one day, even wrote poems about it but I think I am just fantasising as I don't really believe. I wish I believed in any god but I don't, just to give meaning to life and a hope that there is more, better, after. I have been pushing BF away, he understands, but I see myself doing it and wonder why when I have the chance of some happiness amongst the crap. I just don't think it would be fair on him to be with someone so messed up, he is planning to change his entire life to be with me. I feel like I want to be alone just to have nobody to leave behind, to cut myself off from everyone except my babies. After so long of yearning to be less alone why would I want this? My head is always in total contradiction with itself.
    I know I can't hurt people, by going, so then I panic as I feel trapped, and for how long? If there was a button to press where I, or everything, just stopped existing, no pain, no knowledge of the impending doom, just no longer there.....I would press it without hesitation. I just want a boring life, no highs or intense lows, the highs never feel like they are the opposite end of the spectrum to balance out the lows, I just want to exist without sadness, I would do without the happiness if that were the case, just to feel neutral. I am just struggling to see the point in fighting for something when it ultimately fails anyway. In which other circumstance would we keep trying at something really hard and painful if we knew from the start we would fail in the end....there isn't one.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so sorry for your losses...one of my furries, Eddie, I also still think of today...but now I have Marley and he is really a wonderful boy (neuter) friend...I hope you do not push your bf away...if he loves you and accepts you, that is a safe place...is there a counselor or such you can talk to so that you can have guidance to stay in your relationship and begin to feel better? Please continue to post and glad you decided to share with us
  3. Atompilz

    Atompilz Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your reply. My doctor gave me a number at the start of the year for a therapist but I was too scared and it was expensive, I don't know what I did with it. I had some bad experiences with them and I worry they will just think I am a crazy cat lady and not understand how I rely on them for support. I spoke to BF on the phone tonight for the first time in a month, managed not to cry, he is really understanding and says he will be here though it all with me but I just feel it is unfair on him, that the person he fell in love with isn't here anymore and I don't know if ever will be. Each loss seems to take part of me away that never comes back, I just feel weaker each time. I know nobody knows how long anyone will live but I just wish it wasn't so hard to just get by, I feel like a zombie going through the motions :(
  4. listless

    listless Banned Member

    Sorry for your loss, my sister had two cats that I really liked and both passed away a few years ago. They were sweet animals and I can understand how you feel, though it seems your troubles go much deeper than the loss of pets. Yes there's a risk that your bf might not be able to handle it, but it seems you cannot do it on your own. You should be honest with him-if he's the caring type like I am, then he will stay with you through the thick and thin and help you get better. Also a good idea to see a therapist.

    You seem like a very sensitive person-all the more reason to have people around you and helping you out. There's no shame in it. I went through a horrific period in my life about 5 yrs ago and it was the weakest I have ever been emotionally. It was a truly sad state in my life-but fortunately I did manage to pull through because I didn't want to give up. But now I'm unhappy with my life for other reasons-just very dissatisfied with where I am. Anyways, wish you all the best. Do reach out to people, all of us need help at some point, even the ones who seem very strong.
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