Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by thepainwithin, Aug 28, 2013.

  1. thepainwithin

    thepainwithin Well-Known Member

    It's just another sob story I guess.

    I just moved back into a college dorm. I'm 23 and everyone asks what year I am and they look at me like I'm an idiot when I say it's my 6th year. It even sounds shitty to say.

    All I can hear are guys talking about all these hot girls and how much they get fucked through these paper thin walls. I had to go out into the common area and just sit here to try to make friends. All but one guy walked by.

    There are things I can't get over that are killing me. I posted something on the Internet before getting caught for that stuff was in (thank god) and I lost my reputation, everything. I'm afraid to show my face in my home town, even 5 years after that. So for summer breaks I go home to work and I sit in my room all day.

    Around the same time I got arrested. Then I got arrested again 2 years later.

    I don't have high school friends or childhood friends anymore.

    I had a girl who practically threw herself at me, she was beautiful and said she loved me. She broke up with me 2 weeks later because I didn't know how to talk to her.

    A year and a half later I started getting into some twisted sexual things because I was lonely. Extremely twisted with myself. I was so lonely I ended up having gay sex with a guy I met online. I hate that.

    It kills me to think about that.

    I'm on campus with so many girls and I can't get close to one, even for friendship. I'm too ashamed of myself.

    I keep my head high and try to stay positive, but my parents keep pushing me to join a club so I can meet a girl.

    Why? When all I ever hear is how shitty marriage and kids are.

    I like being alone, but I hate it at the same time.

    There aren't enough pills in the world that could put a smile on my face or put me to sleep at night. I stay away from women, for their sake.

    It's so lonely being 300 miles from home and never getting a call or text from my old high school friends. I'm a joke. And sometimes I think my parents friends feel bad for them because I'm their son. They're glad they don't have to be the father of a son who can't show his face in town anymore
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya. I'm sorry you're feeling so low. :hug:

    It doesn't matter what year you're in...What's great is that you are there doing it, hun! :) If you have to say you've been there a few years, could you say you were going part-time before, and are now going full-time? Or that you have changed your major and started over?

    Lots of guys do a lot of talking about hot girls without it being true...lots of talk and no action. A lot of college/uni kids are just entering adulthood. Some of them aren't yet ready to look for more than fast fun and superficial qualities in people - so they might pass by a person who is more self-contained and perhaps more reserved. But it's a deficiency in them, not the person they walk past. The good news is that one person did stop to say hello to you.

    We all have some skeletons from our past. It seems that yours are coming at in the form of memories, guilt, and low self-esteem. With so many pressures - school, leaving the past in the past, trying to make new friends, parents pushing you - maybe it would help if you had a counsellor to talk to. Does your school have student health and counselling services? Perhaps you could look into what they offer for students who are feeling depressed.

    From what you've said, it seems you want friends and a social life but don't feel like you deserve them. The past is the past and doesn't have to follow you anymore. We all make some mistakes in life. You seem to have faced the consequences for your mistakes already. Do you think maybe it's time to forgive yourself so you can move on? If you can't do this alone, consider talking to someone who can give you real guidance and some reassurance that you are just as good as anyone else. You deserve the chance to do that. :)