11 days...

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by riz, Nov 21, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. riz

    riz Senior Member

    So it's been 11 days since I've last cut. I've gone much longer than that, but I feel different this time. The last cut I made was really deep. It's still healing, and I'm paranoid about anyone finding it. I find myself rubbing it through my clothes just to recognize that it's still there and still a part of me.

    Also, other times that I've cut were different than this time. Other times I might be crying but I was calm over all. Like, very meticulous. This last time was a little intense. I was urging myself further and further with each stroke. I made a line on my upper calf on the back of my leg. When I was finished, I bled worse than ever before.

    What if I'm getting worse? I have this feeling that the next time I cut might require stitches or something. I've tried other techniques. I practically wrote the book on distracting yourself before cutting by taking part in other activities....and that's probably why I've been able to survive. But, I feel like it's taking more and more of me each time.

    The other thing that bothers me is that when I do cut, I use the most painful way possible. When I first started, I used knives with teeth to carve lines on my feet. Later, I would use the spikey parts of tape dispensers to do the same thing. Now I use safety pins or thumb tacks to sharply cut into myself. I feel like I would never do razors because it's too easy or something...like I need to cause this pain to myself for some reason.

    Some may ask, "Isn't it sick to want to do this kind of stuff to yourself?" And I would have to say no. Not at all. It's the only way I know. It's the only thing keeping me alive.

    If it wasn't true, then I'd think I was being over dramatic. But that's just not the case.
  2. Hey there Riz, I'm new to this site but I thought I might as well take the plunge, jump in and post on a few threads.
    First of all let me say congrats on lasting 11 days without cutting. i used to cut a lot and if I'm truely honost never made any effort to try and stop, I didn't even care about stopping. I can resist anything... except temptation!
    When it comes to self harm, I've been there got the t-shirt. Actually I could have probably have filled a whole cupboard full of t-shirts!

    One thing that probably puts me in the minority of people who self-harm is the fact that I'm male, the majority of people whom I've ever met that do it have been girls. Perhaps any lads that do it are just really good at hiding it, I know I was. It wasn't exactly something that i would have wanted anyone to find out about.

    It was something I started doing in my teens, it was my way of coping with depression and life in general. However, once you start it's a long slippery slope and can be difficult to escape from.
    I have a lot of scars on my arm to remind me of those times.

    I'm pleased to say that it's not something that I have done in recent times, so if I can stay free from cutting with my complete lack of willpower then there is plenty of hope for you.
    Keep hanging on in there and take it a day at a time. If you ever want someone to talk to about it feel free to PM me.
  3. congratulations on 11 days! that's such a big achievement x
  4. Metallica*Melinda

    Metallica*Melinda Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you've made it eleven days. Good luck on not cutting.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.