So it's been 11 days since I've last cut. I've gone much longer than that, but I feel different this time. The last cut I made was really deep. It's still healing, and I'm paranoid about anyone finding it. I find myself rubbing it through my clothes just to recognize that it's still there and still a part of me. Also, other times that I've cut were different than this time. Other times I might be crying but I was calm over all. Like, very meticulous. This last time was a little intense. I was urging myself further and further with each stroke. I made a line on my upper calf on the back of my leg. When I was finished, I bled worse than ever before. What if I'm getting worse? I have this feeling that the next time I cut might require stitches or something. I've tried other techniques. I practically wrote the book on distracting yourself before cutting by taking part in other activities....and that's probably why I've been able to survive. But, I feel like it's taking more and more of me each time. The other thing that bothers me is that when I do cut, I use the most painful way possible. When I first started, I used knives with teeth to carve lines on my feet. Later, I would use the spikey parts of tape dispensers to do the same thing. Now I use safety pins or thumb tacks to sharply cut into myself. I feel like I would never do razors because it's too easy or something...like I need to cause this pain to myself for some reason. Some may ask, "Isn't it sick to want to do this kind of stuff to yourself?" And I would have to say no. Not at all. It's the only way I know. It's the only thing keeping me alive. If it wasn't true, then I'd think I was being over dramatic. But that's just not the case.