11 years later...triggering

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by ~PinkElephants~, Jan 20, 2008.

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  1. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    You know i never asked for any of this. I never asked for the memories, for the pain, for the hurt. Part of me thinks I still deserve it all and another part knows that I had no control over things. I told him I loved him and at the tender age of 17 I believed he loved me too. His words meant everything to me. I had never been in love, never had a boyfriend, and now he loved me. He chose me.

    Little did I know that his love wasn't genuine and he'd turn my life into a living nightmare. Little did he know that he stole something so sacred from me. Little did he know 11 years later I'd still let it destroy me.

    He has destroyed any trust I had in guys. I keep thinking I could have stopped him if I had tried harder. I could have stopped him if I tried to fight. I could have bit, screamed, fought, but I didn't. I stopped and just let him take.

    The tears are falling as I write this. I sit here and think of what a wasted life I've lived. I try not to blame myself but with every passing guy I let use me, I get nearer and nearer to believing the rape was my fault. Everything after that was my fault. I know I'm vulnerable. I know that I shouldn't open up so easily but all I want is to feel loved, to feel needed but because of him raping me it all seems so far from ever happening.

    I'm 28, I'm alone, and I let guys fuck me not for love but for the hope of some feeling.
  2. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I'm sorry that had to happen to you. I wish people had more feelings then what they do, but it seems some people are so cold hearted and almost evil, to take away the feeling of safety, or control, or self. It's so disgusting people like that exist, and I wish they didn't, because I know it's not hard to go through these things, it takes away and leave us in a sense broken and lost. I know you probably search for the reason and after awhile it seems easier to blame yourself, as to why it happened, I think a lot of people in an abuse position like this have felt the same way at some point. You aren't alone. I'm truly sorry for your pain and what that abuse put you through. I know it probably doesn't mean much to you, but if you ever would like to talk about anything, I'm always here for you. I can have an idea of the kind of hell you are dealing with as I have mine as well. Please try to stay safe and take care. :hug:
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Kanani. I'm so sorry for what that guy did to you when you were 17. There are many sick and twisted guys out there and I hope that he is suffering now wherever he is. Don't let guys use you like a 'fuck toy.' You have to have more self respect for yourself then guys will love you for who you are, not just for your body. I know this may seem hard, but you have to let this go and try to move on. There are many nice guys out there (like me for example) who want to love you for you.
  4. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    :arms: Kellz. :arms:
  5. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    :hug: kellz
  6. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    God, do I wish everyone got what they deserved.

    :hug: Hang in there, hun
  7. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    thanks for the replies...

    i just really need to shut down and move on. get over it or get on with it. :dunno:
  8. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    It is so unbalanced the amount of pain caused for one random act of violence

    Try to convince the half of you that feels guilty that it wasn't your fault and that you didn't deserve that, because you didn't and you're a great person who deserves to be genuinely loved
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