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12,241 days...and counting

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by CGMAngel, Feb 4, 2013.

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  1. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    Hello everyone;

    This is day 12,241 of my mental and emotional prison sentence. Yes I really can remember the exact day when everything started - all the despair, hopelessness and fear.

    "Solitary confinement" can be just as much a psychological hell as a physical one.

    Naturally, by this point, after literally thousands of interminable days and nights trapped in the shadows of life, I am not wildly pleased when I hear people say "it'll pass."

    Really? In which particular century might that take place?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    "Solitary confinement" can be just as much a psychological hell as a physical one.

    More so hun more so that is why you need to try to reach out to people join activity groups sports groups take a course of interest and be among people
  3. Lost in translation

    Lost in translation Active Member

    I get what your saying, after being in a state for so long it's almost impossible to see anything getting better! I know, I'm there to.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, I *think* I know what you mean. I did not leave the house for 5 years , would not even open the curtains. It is a living hell, makes you anxious and possibly even suicidal. You need to seek help now. I missed out on so many years that I cannot get back, reach out now!
  5. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    it really is a horrible feeling, it really is.

    for me... it will get better, it's just empty words now- it means nothing to me.

    people tell me that, and they've been telling me that for 16 years with no result- so naturally it annoys me now
  6. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    Thanks everyone for your responses.

    CocaCola, you said you DID not leave the house for five years, so I assume you have now overcome this. If you don't mind my asking, how did you eventually get help? How were you able to finally take that first step?

    I am still able to go outside, but it is getting progressively more difficult. Whenever I open the front door it feels like there is a dark, powerful, psychological wind blowing me back in. It is tough to go outside when you have such an intense fear of basically everything out there.

    (BTW, CocaCola - 54,353 posts? That is amazing!)

    So is there really always light at the end of the tunnel - or always darkness at the end of the light?

    Every cloud has a silver lining? Or every sliver lining has a cloud?

    Mysteries I have spent an eternity pondering....
  7. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    I've just done a day calculation from when the darkness started happening for me, and it's 'only' 7,095 - but I do appreciate very well what you are feeling and going through. I might be able to help you with the stuff I have had to learn in order to survive it - either we can PM or stay here, your choice :) But I'm living proof that the very worst of dark nights can be overcome and our inward person made stronger by them, eventually - it is just a question of knowing how and being determined - even if it takes the rest of our earthly life it does not matter if each day we can see a little more light, no matter how little :)
  8. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    Precious - thanks for your response.

    Yes I don't doubt that my "journey of despair" has made me a stronger person and perhaps a better one - at least in the sense that I am able to share what I have learned in order to help others.

    But what good is being a stronger and better person if you always end up back where you started? I don't feel my life journey is taking me OUT of the darkness; more just going around and around in ever-decreasing circles INSIDE that darkness.

    I always somehow manage to drag myself through "the very worst of dark nights" as you describe them, but I somehow doubt that is the same as "overcoming" them.

    I would like to hear more about your journey. Are you seeing more light?

    Hope to hear from you soon.
  9. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I do not have any answers for you other than please never ever give up trying, hoping and caring, I am very glad you found this community.
  10. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Absolutely I am, most definitely. Although I cannot explain why or how in a few sentences. But I do know, if I allow myself to be taken under by memories and follow their leading, it's horrible, and I can still feel like I am going around in circles in the dark. BUT - that is when I now know what to do - and have the confidence that it does, in fact, really work. I cannot say I have done this in my own power, however. I have to go now (dinner to get) but look forward to chatting with you more about it :)
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