12 years ago

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ThePhantomLady, Apr 12, 2016.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I just realized what today was.

    12 years ago I was 14... 12 years ago is the day I officially mark as the day I became a fan of Michael Jackson...

    But... the thing is... that was also one of the times I had a very serious suicide attempt planned. I had 3 methods lined up even... I was realizing begging the angels to take me away wasn't enough any more...

    It hurts so bad to know I got to that point... I have been suicidal since I was 9 years ago... but this was one of my worst attempts.

    It was around 6 months after I was brutally raped... I had suffered in silence... pregnancy scares, horrible nightmares, meeting my rapist over and over again... he would find me on busses, sit next to me, pressed against me... always looking over my shoulder... on top of everything I was heavily bullied in school and my mum was abusive... and the reason I finally had enough was that I was forced to attend my rapist's birthday celebration. I couldn't wiggle myself out of it... mum would have dragged me there by my hair if I tried to refuse.

    I was home alone that night... and everything was on the table in front of me. I was so numb. I hadn't even bothered writing a letter... I felt like no-one would care anyway.

    My life was saved though... and I'm happy it was. I know my life isn't the best... but I'm getting there... I had the TV on, I have a phobia of silence.
    They were showing the movie 'Moonwalker' that evening. It starts with these serene tunes as Man in The Mirror starts playing. It broke through my numbness somehow and I sat there frozen, staring at the screen... and I did for the full duration of the film. I didn't even move... and I feel like I didn't even blink.

    As the credits rolled I found out I was smiling. I couldn't remember the last time I had done that. I put away the methods... I went to bed that night humming some of his songs... and an MJ fan was born.
    I made a lot of friends in that fandom... sadly since he died the fandom got a bit strange and so many things changed... I haven't been on a fan board in so, so long. His music, videos and concerts still bring me joy though... but it's not the same since he died. Most days I can't stand listening to 'Man In The Mirror'... because that's the song they played as they carried his casket out. I grieved his death so badly.

    I even have a tattoo dedicated to him. It turned out so ugly though... the artist messed it up. And the concept is really weird... but I wasn't thinking too clearly when I got it. It's the outline of a black heart on my wrist, and the letters 'MJ' (which is also a shortened version of my real name) in red, and blood dripping down my arm from them.

    Thank you Michael, for keeping me alive.
    CandleLight and MisterBGone like this.
  2. bobbob

    bobbob Well-Known Member

    Hi Phantomlady
    Im pretty much living on this website at the moment (though shutting the screen when family members come in the room) and it has really helped to keep me going through my darkest of times. Anyhow, just wanted to say that I was moved and heartened by your Michael Jackson post. I especially liked the bit where you found yourself unexpectadely smiling in the grimmest of circumstances. I use to be someone who was always smilling and joking but (as I've set out elsewhere here) all that changed not long ago. Reading your post helped to make me think that I will some day soon just find myself smilling again. Though I dont think Michael Jackson will do it for me (though I think he was a great artist). In fact, with the tinnitus/ hearing loss all the music I once loved now sounds a bit schreechy. Maybe if I dig out some old punkrock ones (like Sex Pistols) I wont notice!
    Anyhow, please keep building your better life and helping others in the process. It sounds like you have come a long way in a short time and have ben brave in dealing with and slaying your demons. Sounds like some people treated you very badly and I hope that they face justice one day. In the meantime, your successes show that they have not won.
    Best wishes
    MisterBGone and ThePhantomLady like this.
  3. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    *hugs* I am so glad that you put away your methods and became a MJ fan instead.
    ThePhantomLady and CandleLight like this.
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    MJ was an amazing person who was perceived and persecuted by a lot if people for the wrong reasons. I'm hope he is at peace now.
    BetrayedSoul and ThePhantomLady like this.
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