12 Years Later...

Discussion in 'Bullying and Violence' started by chemicalromance, Jun 5, 2007.

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  1. So I started Junior High when I was 11. I don't remember my first days there, if they were good or bad. All I remember is spending the next three years alone. I was never pushed or beat up or called names to my face. Every thing happened behind my back: notes passed around class, I would hear my name followed by laughter. Dirty looks. No one ever talked to me, unless it was to find out something about me to give them a good laugh. I spent nearly every day alone. I dreaded lunch time, because I knew I would be completely alone, and have to deal with everyone acknowledging that but doing nothing. Suddenly all my friends, who I'd known since I was 4 years old, didn't want to know me. I went from being a confident and happy into a quiet, isolated adolescent. I grew up very quickly, I was always more mature than my peers, but at the same time I was utterly childish.

    I told my parents. I told a teacher. Nothing was done about it. I was so naive that I thought every day would be fine, went into school with a big dumb smile. I always assumed the best, I trusted everyone even though I really shouldn't have. I didn't give up the things that made me different. I still read comic books and listened to rock music. I didn't have the best hair style, and I wore braces. My mum was a complete tomboy, so I didn't have a good female role model. I was smart. I developed a lot earlier than the other girls. I didn't have anyone to teach me about periods, fashion, boys and make-up. I'm proud that I had integrity; that no matter how much it hurt I didn't change.

    Things got a little better at my next school, I made a few friends, and I was jaded and cocky enough to deal with the condescending looks and comments of others. But the damage was done, and I didn't realise how badly damaged I was until I left the safety and routine of school at 18. That was when everything fell apart. I'm still the victim. I can't trust the people I should, and I am stupidly naive with the people who will hurt me. I run from every relationship, I'm shy, I have no confidence, and I'm completely lost in life. It makes me angry when I see them all on Bebo etc, flaunting their degrees, dozens of friends, weddings and babies. When will they be punished? I'm 23 now and still don't know how to connect to my peers. I usually choose friends who are older, and usually guys because they are easier to get on with and less judgemental (a pattern I began in school, because guys were easily impressed by my taste in music, films etc). My life is a complete mess, and I don't know how to fix it. I'm still too mature for my age as well as still being a big child. I think I'm still the same person I was when I was 11.

    :rant: Sorry that was a major rant, but I've never really talked about it before and I was curious to see if it was the root of my problems. I guess I wanted some validation, because no one ever acknowledged my being bullied. I never got sympathy, help or advice. It's like a big secret, or the disowned relative that no one talks about. I'm tired of being the victim, of not being happy and not being able to have any sort of good solid relationship. So being socially isolated in adolescence = majorly emotionally-stunted child/woman. I guess no one really grasps just how much damage bullying can do.

    I want someone to say, 'Yes you were bullied, it was an awful thing'. Just acknowledgement. And hugs. Hugs would be a *huge* help right now :tongue:
  2. am I alive

    am I alive Well-Known Member

    My story is a pretty much same though i'm a male, don't know what else to say...

    Take care:smile:
  3. no point

    no point Well-Known Member

    I can relate so much to your story except for the fact that the worst of it happened while I was in elementary school and that I couldn't tell anyone because I was so embarrassed about it. I think bullying has a lot of effects. My panic attacks started during the year bullying started, the first time I cut myself was that year as well. I realized after all those years that I can't connect with people. Like you, I'm either friends with older or younger people, even that was the case when I was younger. Anyways, sorry to rant about myself that much. I just wanted to say that bullying can have devastating effects on the victim. Bullying doesn't always have to be physical; it could be social or verbal as well. I hope this helps :hug: :hug: :hug:
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