My husband and I discussed the visit we will have with my dad and stepmom this Sunday and Monday. I told him, not to leave my side during our visit. He understands why I said that but told me there maybe a time he will have to. I'm dreading the visit. I'm dreading the conversations. Last I need is them coming off as though I am failing as a parent or a person for that matter. My husband was trying to help me know what to say to them if stuff like that comes up, but knowing me, I will freeze up and not say anything at all. A part of me just rather disappear and the thoughts of suicide are there - just to escape this and not face the conversations. Why do I keep going to suicide like this? Why can't I find the courage to say something in a positive, respectful manner? Why am I so scared? Just saddens me that I'm like this. I hate myself for being like this. Yes, I want to change but why can't I just do it? I just don't want to do the visit. Just don't want to go. But I have to.