honestly. i just need to get things out. and for once i'm just going to say how i feel without expecting an extravagant eloquence. and get everything down so that maybe my thoughts will feel slightly more organized. even though i'm sure everything is going to bounce from subject to subject with no direction. and i already feel anxious about how unorganized this is and how i feel as if i have a million things to say. it all starts with the fact that i have what i think is a slight attention issue. not necessarily that i must be the centre of attention all of the time. but that i want people to love me, i want everyone to love me. particularly boys, i want to be wanted. i think that might be because my father's never been a consistent in my life. not because my parents aren't together, but because he's just...never been there. and maybe this means i have some obsession with men, because i never grew up around any? anyway, up until the fifth or sixth grade i hardly had any friends but my family life was pretty good and i never knew anything was wrong, except the bullying that i went through, which thinking back must have affected me but only in a subconscious way. but then i started gaining friends and losing my family. i know they love me, my family, but i feel like they criticize me constantly for simple things when i don't see myself as that awful of a person. and...i always think everything through way too much and try to find answers to all of the why's i have even though it's impossible for me to muck through everything. i used to cut, i don't do that anymore, but i don't think i stopped in a healthy way and now i don't know how to deal with my emotions properly at all. i stopped because of my relationship, and making my boyfriend cry whenever he found out about how i'd cut would tear me apart. which brings me to the boyfriend, whom has never done a thing to hurt me and is only out to make me happy. and he makes me incredibly happy. i love every moment i spend with him. he’s attractive, intelligent, funny, carling and loving. he loves me for who i am. he's honestly everything that i could want or ask for and i'm completely aware of this. yet for nearly two years i’ve been in love with one of his friends who is certainly not the prince that i'm with, and does not possess any of the wonderful qualities that i love so much in my boyfriend, but is clearly just as messed up as i am and finds someway to make me feel some semblance of happiness when i‘m with him. alas, he already has a girlfriend whom i know and strongly dislike, partly because she's with someone i want, and partly because her personality grates on me like nails on a chalkboard. this friend of my boyfriend has always given me mixed signals, intentional or not. i've spent countless weeks trying to figure out what he means, what he wants with me. he tells me about things he hates about his girlfriend, we make eye contact all the time, we always end up alone at parties, he always tries to make me laugh and he tells me about his problems that he has with his family (which are seemingly many) because he apparently trusts me more than other people. i'm convinced he thinks of me only as a friend, yet i feel like there could be something more, just maybe. this week was somewhat decent as i had made plans with this friend to finally be alone, one on one. yet the girlfriend steps in and tells him that he can't go, and that she'll tell my boyfriend if he doesn't and that she needs to talk to me about the situation, clearly meaning to 'bitch me out' about the plans that i had made because apparently she sees me as a threat (maybe, hopefully?) and doesn‘t trust her boyfriend.. funny thing is, my boyfriend has known about this crush that i have almost since it began and was in on the plans. which only makes me feel shittier about the entire thing as i plan to spend my life with my boyfriend someday, and he doesn't deserve to be treated as anything less than the amazing person he is. i'm never going to treat him the way he deserves, because i'm not stable enough nor do i seem to be mature enough to maintain a healthy relationship in which the street goes both ways. i try to comply with him as often as i can but it’s a pull between what i know that i want and what i think that i want that never ends until i’m broken into two separate pieces. i don't even know what i'm saying anymore. basically i'm depressed all the time as a result of not having a direction in life, and living for the weekend so that i can sleep or be with my boyfriend or go out and drink so i don't have to think. i can't talk to my parents about this, because i don't trust them as a result of past experiences. i therefore can’t get help, because my parents would have to know. i can't tell the other boy that i like him, because i've been rejected so many times before that i'd rather be friends than not have him at all, even though it kills me to be with him and not be with him. i talk to my boyfriend and helps me through the hard times, but seeing me in pain just makes him hurt, which i feel is entirely unfair. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to think, or where to go, or who to talk to. and i feel so ridiculous that i let these things bother me. i have a million other problems that hang over my head, like trying to get into university on only average grades and low income, and being forced to move away from my family to pursue what i want in life, but i keep pushing those to the back of my mind because i think i'd be much more on edge if i don't ignore their existence. i feel like an idiot now because my problems seem terribly insignificant compared to those that others on here have. most people that self-harm, or are depressed, or suicidal have legitimate reasons. and i only have a problem with thinking too much. at least some of these thoughts aren't stuck in my head anymore.