15..and thinking about suicide.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rawr, Jan 21, 2008.

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  1. Rawr

    Rawr Active Member

    Hiya so i am a 15 year old girl and have been thinking about suicide for about a year now but recently have been thinking about it more and more. My mum suffers from a mental illness and my dad left when i was one so have had to deal with it pretty much on my own for my whole life, i have had family there but they dont really understand..they pretend they do though. I am not at school at the moment as i just cant deal with it..i dont really have any freinds and pretty much stay in on my own.
    I have started trying to cut as well..i am not that good at and cant make myself bleed but i do leave makrs and they hurt..and i think i am becoming addicted to it.
    I have a conciler but she is the only one i can talk to..and talking doesnt change anything. Also i have so much stuff in my head that i cant talk about or even write down..cause it feels like a real problem then.
    It feels like the thoughts of suicide are taking over my body and i have even written my letter and have planned how i am going to do it. I feel the only thing stopping me is my mum and how bad she would feel. But i think soon i wont even care about that anymore.
    I dont like one thing about my life or myself..and feel there is nothing left to live for. Its like i have come to a wall and i cant get it down. I am scared of the future..and feel that i will become a failure wich i pretty much already am.
    I just dont get the point off life. Everything is so..overwhealming.
    And i dont trust anyone..cause everyone i ever truested let me down. And i never think things will be okay cause if they go wrong i cant stand getting let down again.
    I have so much more but i guess i wrote enough already...thanks to anyone who actually read this...sorry for rambling but i needed to get some of this outta my head!
  2. D3ath

    D3ath Well-Known Member

    First off and quite importantly great name - love it :). I say "RAWR" Alot i dont know why, its just so cool. Rawry is brill too :p.

    Anyway it sounds like your quite something amazing, 15 years old and caring for your mum. It must be very difficult for you i know you said you got family around you but it doesnt really feel the same. I know shes your mum however maybe you could leave more caring to older family members you are 15 after all, it seems your current situation might be causing you feelings. Maybe you could see about going back to school your GCSE's are close right? They really important.

    Cutting can be addictive and most people dont cut to bleed rather just to feel and have self control. Its quite addictive so please try to stop before it gets into too much of a problem, i know you said it already started :(.

    Suicide isnt an option to imrpove your life its just a terrible way to end it. Please dont waste your life :(. Obviously people need you, and you would be a huge lost :|. Yeah you shouldnt live for other people but rather for yourself, at 15 things can change drastically theres alot of options open for you. Its not the end its merely the beginning.
  3. Feared.Desire

    Feared.Desire Well-Known Member

    lil_jay_mac@hotmail.com <-- feel free to add me if you need someone to talk to.
    I don't really think anyone can be 'good' at cutting. And, I wouldn't say being able to actually break skin is a good thing, I try and avoid that for the sake of people questionning it.
    And I think if you have all these things in your head, you should write them down. Don't keep it all inside, that will only make things worse. If anything, write it down, and then take the paper, crumple it up and tear it up into a million peices and throw it out.
  4. Rawr

    Rawr Active Member

    Haha thanks :tongue:

    Yeh its just been me and my mum pretty much all my life. I feel that i cant depend on anyone else to do stuff for me might as well do it myself. And there are other problems in my family and i dont like putting my crap on them.

    Well i have this tutor but i said i dont want to see her anymore because she is a snob and looks down on me and my mum. I want to get back into school cause i realise now how important it is but i cant handle it at the moment and all the questions about where i have been for the past couple of months.

    I feel like i need some change..like a huge change cause i cant carry on living like this..i dont know how i am managing. It is true that i am living for other people..if it was up to me i wouldnt be here.

    I just feel that when i get older i will have to move out and not be with my mum and cant be there for her. Like rite now she depends on me..for love and to be there..and i cant be there for her i feel really bad but i just dont like being needed so bad.

    Thanks for replying btw :)
  5. Rawr

    Rawr Active Member

    Thanks :)

    Well i seem to be getting better at it cause on my left hand i just if little marks but on my right i have scars..i keep a razor like next to me all the time now...its weird i only started a few says ago but i am starting to do it more and more now.

    I have wrote it down once but i didnt quite get everything out. Like i said its really hard to say/write things down.
  6. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    Hi, I know what it is youre going through. I have severe deppression and panic attacks every now and then along with social phobia i found out about a year ago. My mom is sick as well, but im worse off; and my dad im so scared of i cant even talk to. hes actually threatend to hit me before so i dont trust people either, i mean, if your own dad would hit you, anyone would...right? I have a problem getting close to and trusting people, even if i know they wouldnt hurt anyone, my mind tells me to get out, escape, they might hurt you..etc..things like that. so ive pretty much been on my own for a long time now as well. i also know no one in my family truly understands me as well, because what im going through righ tnow is not like anyone else has before i believe. things are really hard right now, and they sound like they are for you too. lets hang on together? also you can pm me or email me anytime..^_^v
  7. austinhp78

    austinhp78 Well-Known Member

    alright... i too am 15 and all i am going to say is try and stop cutting, and if thats not possible, then at least get rid of the razor and use something less dangerous. when i started using a razor it was like a key. that was when i got seriously addicted. it will give you large scars and you will start cutting deeper and deeper, only carrying on your downward spiral. all i ask is please do not use that razor. in my experience, razors are bad news.
  8. Rawr

    Rawr Active Member

    Yeh i wondered what was best and my someone i know used to do it and said that a razor was the cleanist safest option.
    I think my counciler thinks that i have been cutting..she asked me two weeks ago before i actually started cutting...but i dont think she belives me anyway and now i think she is going to ask me to show her..in the back on my mind i no i need to tell her cause it is getting worse and i am starting to cut more and try go deeper and its been a few days..but it feels like a kind of relif :sad:
  9. D3ath

    D3ath Well-Known Member

    If you feel you can yeah you should tell her its always going to be difficult to say it to a person :(. After all the counciler is there to help you and letting her know how serious your thoughts are can only lead to good, she only wants to help after all why else would she choice that career.

    Also do you receive help from charities or help from yuor local council?
  10. austinhp78

    austinhp78 Well-Known Member

    dont take it the wrong way, cutting is most definitely relieving... it just is most definitely not the best method of doing so. also, while razors my be the safest and cleanest, they are just about the worst things you could use. you will be frightened by the scars you see... they're bad new, trust me on this one. don't let yourself get too deep into the situation before its too late.
  11. Rawr

    Rawr Active Member

    Yeh i know it's just really hard to trust people..i think i trust her now but its always there that she is going to tell some. I get that there are certain things she may have too tell someone like if i am getting abused.

    Well there was this one thing but i dunno...it just kinda disapierd i might ask my counciler to follow it up...
  12. Rawr

    Rawr Active Member

    I understand where your coming from but in a weird way i like the scars it's like i put them there...i control it and i can put more if i want. How messed up is that :dry:
  13. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    First up..Welcome to the forum Rawr...I hope you will find some peace from the turmoil here..

    As a former cutter (And still so damn tempted by the blade) I remember the peace I felt when I vented my anger onto myself..But it is only a short term solution hon..The deeper you have to cut with each passing day to find that serenity brings you closer to being sectioned or being found out...

    You have shown your strength by caring for your mother and carrying such a load at such a young age..I can only express admiration and a wish that there were more compassionate, caring people like you in society..Most of the people in the forum are carrying similar loads so never feel that you are alone..Keep venting those emotions in a form other than the blade..Talk to someone, especially your councillor...Even try to write down what you are feeling hon...

    Any vent but the blade..Drop me a line if you want to talk.
  14. SkyHigh

    SkyHigh Guest

    I'm in the EXACT same position as you, only I still have to go to school and I don't have a councellor because I haven't told anyone and I don't want to cause trouble. I'm even the same age as you. The only thing I can tell you is to live one day at a time. I haven't had serious suicide thoughts for 3 days now.

    Just think about the nice little apartment you'll have when your older. You can buy everything you want. When you get bored of it then it's fine to make 'that' decision. You would probably get bored of it when your like 36 or something, but that's better than 15.
  15. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Hey Rawr..How are you doing?

    Did you manage to talk to anyone?
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