.....

[John6491]

I am such a fucking loser... i cant get anything right even killing myself... how fucking hard is that.... fuck i am stupid....

Was my mom b-day yesterday and she didn't want to talk to me... only thing she told to to do is to put up some food thats it... no fucking hi NOTHING... so i didn't even get the chance to say happy b-day to her and i just know she is going to bitch because i didn't say it but fuck she didn't give me a chance or even a moment to say it...

My dad is pissing me off so much all he does is talk and will never shut up and if i do get him to shut up then he will ask whats wrong?? and crap like that and keep fucking talking... all i want is quiet right now but fuck no it cant be quiet he just has to keep fucking talking to me....

I'm still hurting from my last suicide attempt that failed miserably... and im a dumbass for not getting it right... and you know what? im probably going to try again once i am to afraid to just pull the fucking trigger and end it...
wow i am fucked up... :sad:

I didn't go to school today i just stayed home and didn't do anything except watch stupid T.V. shows... and get on the computer... :dry:

I'm getting really really mad and i think its because i haven't smoked in a while.. i really need a smoke but wont get one until i talk to one of my friends.. it sucks... hopefully i can find something to do until then but if not im just going to get really pissed off

Also im listening to more triggering songs right now so that isn't helping me at all... well if anyone actually reads that crap sry for wasting your time and if i don't make sense... :sad:

 

[DropCoffinNail]

Hey John6491 :smile:

The fact that you call yourself a 'fucking loser' is a bit over the top. I can understand the type of stress you are dealing with but I don't believe you're giving enough detail as to why you actually believe that you are a loser. Either way, I disagree. No one is a loser, it's just that society doesn't accept them. Or perhaps people important to that individual don't accept them.

I can see that your mother is definitely not the nicest person in the world, but I think that maybe if you had a better attitude and treated her nicely, she would grow to treat you nicely back. I mean actually have a cheery mood even if she says something real crappy. I'm not saying that she's treating you the way she does because of how you act. I'm just saying she might take it as...reverse-psychology if you gave her a smile when taking her orders. Or maybe that's a real dumbass idea on my account, I don't know.

And I know exactly how you feel about your dad because my mom is the exact same way. So I taught myself how to truly space out and I do it all the time. I pretend to listen with the occasional "Yeah, uh huh" when really I'm thinking about other things. And I guess that's not good but it's better than getting into a fight when I try to get her to be quiet.

And maybe to get away from his constant chatter you could go somewhere. If you're allowed to that is. Take a short walk even, to cool down. It might help a little.

Another thing I have to mention is that you're not waisting my time. If I thought you were wasting my time, I sure as hell wouldn't have spent this long writing something to you, attempting to help you out and possibly save your life, right?

Suicide honestly is not the answer. At times - a lot of times - it seems like the only way to escape the pain. But death isn't escaping anything, because you're just plain gone. It's an extremely selfish act and you just need to try as hard as you can to hang in there. I don't want to be a hypocrite and say things will get better because I don't know that for sure - but you have to hope. Good luck, John. I hope to hear from you soon.

 

[Robin]

Maybe you're alive because you want to live deep down, which may mean that you would like tio change your relationships for the better but don't know how so you feel trapped. I don't know, I would like to hear more about the relationship you have with your father though and I didn't really understand why you didn't have time to say happy birthday to your mum, are you operhaps too much of a perfectionist and are always waiting for the perfect moment to do things? If so you will be sorely disappointed.