17 but can't go on

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SickOfLife, Jan 8, 2008.

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  1. SickOfLife

    SickOfLife Active Member

    I've read some of the horrible experiences that people here have had in their lives, and mine seems so stupid and unimportant in comparison, but it is important to me as it has affected me in a way where I just can't go on with life.

    I enjoyed my early childhood, it was the best time of my life . My parents protected me from bad stuff, which I am eternally grateful for because I would not have enjoyed my early years if I found out some truths. Eg my dads heart problems. He had to have operations when I was 4 and my brother was 8. We saw him in hospital and were told it was a chest infection. I'm 17 now and I still remember seeing him in intensive care linked to the heart rate monitor etc etc. We bought the chest infection story, my dads operation was successful and that was that.

    My brother then started having psychological problems, inferiority complexes etc and had violent outbursts when he was 9. I was 5 and I still remember crying and begging him to stop but he would still keep shouting and smashing stuff. My brother is now 21, and it still happens. Now he's older, and bigger, it's harder for my parents to restrain and control him. He lacks social skills and can't do basic things properly (he takes 1 hour in the toilet). He had problems in school and even college, and none of the psychologists he's been to could do anything. Living with it for 12 years (and counting) has been torture.

    Throughout school I was bullied because I was small and therefore easy prey. I was having suicidal thoughts at 13 and couldn't take the beating up and name calling etc.

    My dad got a job somewhere else so we moved, and I went to another school. It was much better, I never got beaten up, but everyone was so cliquey and I was shut out. Girls all rejected me and I have never even had a girlfriend. I'm good friends with a lot of the "unpopular" guys, and we survive by sticking together. But I do so much for my school and get no appreciation for it. Get taken advantage of and spoken to like I'm below crap by students, teachers, and employers out of school. I feel below human and undervalued, no one cared. During this time, my grandmother told me and my brother about my dad's heart problems, my parents wanted to tell us the truth a bit later and so said she was lying, but I put the pieces to the puzzle together (memories of my dad in hospital, his operation scars). It worried me because I felt my dad could die suddenly, the stress my brother put on my parents did not help either.

    The thing that kept me going was my intelligence, I knew I could use it to be successful. My exam results were all top grades (although one inconsiderate guy in school made a really authentic looking results sheet which had bad grades on it, nearly gave my dad a heart attack)

    I applied to Cambridge for medicine, and did 5 A levels, (all sciences, maths classics) and tons of work experience in hospitals, hospices, old folks homes, with disabled kids, and GPs. I had a ton of extracurricular as well, and a perfect academic record. I knew Cambridge was competitive, but teachers and friends saw my application was so strong and really believed I would get in. I was set on it as well, it would be an amazing place to live and study with the best, and maybe, something good could happen in my life. My interviews weren't amazing, but they weren't bad either, the decision could have gone either way. I was a religious person, so I hoped and prayed everyday, I never did wrong or wished ill for anyone, and I prayed that I would get in and my life would change.

    I got my rejection recently and it just crushed me. A rejection from anywhere hurts your self esteem, but I had a really good chance of it, was set on it, and worked so hard for it. What upset me more was hearing about people with lower grades getting in. My parents were upset. Teachers were shocked, and it gave pricks in school a chance to insult me more and tell me I was useless and couldn't do anything. I wish I could have proved myself to everybody.

    I confided in a friend about suicide, and he, with good intention alerted a teacher. They tried to help but it made things worse, I just wanted space but they were being pushy. Besides, I had my parents to support me.

    Now I just want to kill myself. I couldn't do anything in my life, and all I have been given is disappointment and suffering. Waking up everyday is painful, another day, more bullsh!t, exams, stress, crap in school, crap home environment cos of my brother. Food doesn't taste good anymore, I don't find fun from tv, sports, music, my job caring for disabled kids, going out with friends, computer games etc. I'm eating less and less and I have deteriorated so much and I look like a state.

    The worst thing is so much bad stuff would happen if I killed myself. My parents and friends would be utterly broken. I would come in the news "17 year old Cambridge reject just killed himself" (that kindof stuff makes headlines in the UK), the media would make a joke outof me and everyone would know. It would bring disgrace on my family, and my parents would get accused of pressurising me, when infact they have tried so hard to be supportive, but they are stretched to their limit because of my brother. My school would rub salt in my parents wounds: "I told you so", and the people in school that hate me would all be so happy.

    Sometimes I think my family would want me to be happy, and I would be happy just dying and not having to live this ordeal. I'm in a limbo where living is torture, dying would be the best but it would cause so much damage to the ones I love.

    I know I'm young, but the future ahead looks so bad and I don't want to live it.

    I just don't know what to do. :sad:
     
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I know what you're going through Sickoflife, because I was in a similar situation as you. I planned on going to medical school but after my undergraduate university studies were over, I realized that my GPA was just too low to be accepted. I thought life was over because I couldn't be a doctor. I decided to become a teacher, because I like helping students and would like to make a difference. I think it worked out for the best.
     
  3. Markus

    Markus New Member

    U shouldn't let a simple test result break your life. Things are bad now yeah but when you turn 20...you will have your own life, you dont have to deal with school if u dont want to...and you will have your own family. hang on there for a little bit longer. I know there is still hope for you.

    If i can trade lives with you i will in a second.
     
  4. SickOfLife

    SickOfLife Active Member

    I can't see myself doing anything else apart from medicine since I was 6. I feel so cheated because I worked so hard for this, and got top grades and sacrificed so much to get it but it just went down the drain. The problem is the other bad stuff in my life as well, I'm getting crap from every side of my life. This was the one thing which would have changed things, and my self esteem would have gone up, and I could have turned my bad luck around, but instead I just plummeted further down.

    I hate living and I don't enjoy life anymore. I can see my future and it's something I would hate. Right now I wish I could get away from it all, the only way I could is by killing myself. Once you're dead, there's no worries, no one to make you upset, no disappointment, no living with unsatisfaction and sadness every minute of your life. Just peace.
     
  5. Magic

    Magic Member

    There are other places to get medical education except Cambridge. It sounds like you have alot of medicine-related experience for your age, and this is very good. Try applying to a different university. I'm sure many would be happy to take you. Even if they don't, that doesn't mean that you will never be able to do medicine anyway. Check with people you know, and people people you know know. Someone might be involved in medicine and be able to help you somehow.

    If people keep refusing you, you can always become a self-taught mad doctor conducting crazy stuff in your basement :smile:. Sorry, this probably wasn't my best joke...

    It really is too early to give up.

    Most people don't even know what they want to do in their life at that time. Realizing this by that time is an achievent itself. This is probably why some are trying to put you down. Envy can make people do that:wink:.

    I think that you should keep walking the path you had chosen, and even if you experience such difficulties now, the rewards will be great :smile:.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 8, 2008
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    You could always consider going to a Carribbean Medical School or another fine medical school in the US Sickoflife. They aren't as hard to get into like they are in Canada. I could have gone to study in the Carribbean, but then I wouldn't be able to practice in Canada. What I'm saying is that you have a lot of options compared to many other members on this board.
     
  7. SickOfLife

    SickOfLife Active Member

    I really want to carry on with this path, but circumstances aren't letting me get the big break I need. Getting into a good med school is important for future careers. So many doctors are unemployed now, getting a job vacancy itself is so hard. A degree from a good place would have improved my prospects, and my self esteem.

    I'm cynical about the whole "experience difficulties now and the rewards will be great" thing. I've been through rough times, and instead of getting rewarded, I get even worse things happening, despite doing good and putting my all into everything I do. It's not just me. You don't need to look very far in this forum and read people's terrible experiences, one tragedy after another. They haven't got their great rewards and they suffer so much...

    I see people who put no effort into things, and get rewards. Eg our school president who does no work, he only got school president because his family has close ties with the school. We do all the work and he naturally gets the credit and appreciation for it. I'm sure you can think up examples of such people in your own life.

    Then I got my family problems as well. If it were only the medicine rejection, I might have coped.

    It's times like these when you think, what's the point of life? It's just a rat race, where people struggle to survive. Even emotions, hopes, ambitions (like the one I had which was crushed) mean nothing in the great scheme of things. If we can escape life, (we all will eventually lol) then we can get away from all the suffering and disappointment in it.

    I know this is a pro-life forum, but how can you go on when living life itself (moving, breathing, eating, sleeping etc) becomes difficult?
     
  8. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I feel your pain.

    I'm trying to change careers, and it is difficult. I'm not doing well in the job I'm at - the boss has something negative to say about everything I do. And I'm stuck in school trying to pass some tests. Meanwhile, my finances are dwindling, and I'm considering selling my condo.

    What keeps me going is fantasizing about hurting others and myself.
     
  9. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    I just graduated college with a B.S. in biochemistry, I also planned on going to medical school. I don't know if giving up on it has caused my depression, or depression killed my motivation to go through with it.
     
  10. nicesinging1

    nicesinging1 Well-Known Member

    Hey, SickOfLife. Sorry to hear about your struggles. But there must be a way out of this. Getting into top med school doesn't always prove success. Could you get into 2nd rate med school and transfer to Cambridge later? Also there are plenty of good med schools in UK besides Cambridge.
    Please don't give up on life over things like this. It is all part of life, thing to pass through and learn from. It is never the end of life no matter how bad the situation.
    You are young with so much future ahead. Don't let one setback like this affect your life. Remember, God never gives you anything you can't handle. We all have a purpose in this world. Every one of us.
    Take good care of yourself.

    -Hank-
     
  11. New-Hope

    New-Hope Well-Known Member

    Sickoflife,

    First of all I don't think your experiences are stupid or unimportant. I really sympathise with you, you've been through a hell of a lot from what I can see from your post.
    I'm going through a bad patch of life to that's school-related.
    I'm 17 too and in my final year of 6th Form. Just this morning I told my teachers I was leaving because school is literally ruining my life.
    You say you're suicidal, and the Cambridge rejection crushed you. Of course it will have, but hey, look how far you've come! If I enquired about applying for Cambridge people would cry with laughter! The fact you had the ability to apply for Cambridge University is an achievement in itself!
    You've got top grades in your exams, you've got work experience and a decent job! I have none of those!
    Cambridge is a tough Uni to get into, I know people that have been rejected and it's hard, but with all those positive traits you have, there are tonnes of other options open for you!
    I personally think you've got potential for a great future ahead of you. Don't throw everything you have worked so hard to achieve because of that one draw-back. When one door closes, others open.
    I'm in a similar boat as you with the whole depression from school thing.
    Feel free to pm me if you wanna talk!

    Hope you're feeling better soon! :smile:
     
  12. SickOfLife

    SickOfLife Active Member


    School sucks but the best thing is that we're almost done with it. So no matter how bad it is now, it will be over. I just hate my life in general, school's just one aspect of it . The worst bit is that quitting life is way harder than quitting school; at least with school, you get away from it in the afternoon and weekends. But you live life 24/7. Counting down the days of life is just tedious lol. So much more to worry about as well. My future is also going to suck, with this newfound label of a Cambridge reject to wear, as well as living the rest of my life unsatisfied thinking that I couldn't grab the chance to change my life for the better.

    I don't know about reincarnation and all that jazz, but it would be good if I could kill myself, and be reborn as someone in a normal family, a childhood without worry, a good school life, a girlfriend and an excellent future ahead + good career, wife and kids later... see the kids established, grandkids, good retirement, (hell maybe see the grandkids established too!) , painless death.

    Basically a fulfilling, enjoyable long life. That's what we all want and strive for, everyone in this forum wishes their life could be satisfying in some way or the other. We all hate some aspect of our lives, and want to give up when it seems like there's no escape.

    Well I hope reincarnation's true...
     
  13. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    Hey, I know it sounds crazy but I'm a great believer in things happen for a reason. When one door closes another opens etc...
     
  14. Daze&Confused

    Daze&Confused Antiquitie's Friend

    Tell that to all the suicide victims. If god was a parent, he'd have had his kids removed.
     
  15. SickOfLife

    SickOfLife Active Member

    So true, Dazed&Confused
     
  16. New-Hope

    New-Hope Well-Known Member

    You still can have all these things! They're not lost yet!

    I agree with what titanic said. As I said before, the door to Cambridge has closed but that doesn't mean that there are no more chances of success for you career-wise. Whole new paths are open to you now!
    Is there nowhere else or no other course that interests you at a different Uni or college?

    "My future is also going to suck" -

    Your future will only suck if you let it happen. You've got a lot going for you academically judging by your post and you shouldn't label yourself a "Cambridge Reject".

    As for quitting life, we're all experiencing those feelings. That's why we're all here - but we're all also here to try and help others get through hard times.
    Just before Christmas, a couple of days before, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die. Things were hard at home and school; and I felt I had nothing to live for. The fact it was the holiday season didn't help either.
    I'm still here, holding on to that tiny bit of hope that life will get better in the future. I think that's what keeps a lot of us going.
    I'm not trying to tell you how to feel, because I know how annoying it is when people tell you "Oh everything will get better soon. Don't worry."
    That kinda stuff annoys me as much as anyone else who's feeling depressed.
    I just really think you shouldn't let go. The option of suicide is always there - Keep putting it off and it may help you get through the days, it helps me a little. Who knows, life may get better in the near future.
    :smile:
     
  17. Melancholy

    Melancholy Well-Known Member

    Hey there :smile:

    Believe it or not, I'm also applying to medical school in the UK this year. And let me tell you something...believe me I know (my dad is a doctor and also is a uni interviewer, my mum and stepmum are both directors in the NHS) it makes very, very little difference whether you go to Cambridge or another medical school. The course (as you know!) is a vocational one, unlike most academic English/classics type degrees. That means that your chances of getting a job at the end of training is very little to do with where your degree is from, but on who you know, and your experience and interview techniques etc. (once this MMC disaster is sorted out...)

    I'm not trying to tell you that it isn't a blow that you didn't get in...it must be terrible to believe you will get in and then not. But you will have a great experience whatever med school you end up in, and you will suffer very little from not getting in to Oxbridge. Try not to let it get you down. Judging by what you've said, it's their loss...lol

    Don't label yourself as a Cambridge reject...geez you've got a hell of a lot going for you.

    Take care,
    Lauren
     
  18. SickOfLife

    SickOfLife Active Member

    They've lost a hardworking dedicated and committed person who would have given their all in their studies and contributions to college/uni life. The worst bit is that they couldn't see this, and they won't even realise that it's a loss. For them it means nothing, all they do is have a couple of glances at your application (they seemed to disregard all the things I had) and send a rejection letter. They don't know that they crushed somebody and made a once happy, extrovert and confident person into a depressed mess who finds carrying on with life a struggle.

    I'm pissed off because nobody could ever see the good in me, and I secretly hoped they could see my potential. Guess I was being too optimistic.

    I hope you're right about all UK med schools being the same, but still, a rejection in any shape or form, especially when your heart was set on it, can damage you even if you try to not let it affect you.

    I hate how I don't enjoy life anymore. People always talk about appreciating the "little things in life" eg sunshine, nature etc but at the moment it's hard to even do basic things like get up from bed, go to school, eat, sleep, watch TV, go out with friends etc. I can't bring myself to do basic things, and when I rarely do, I end up hating it.
     
  19. Carcinogen

    Carcinogen Well-Known Member

    Hey SickOfLife, just wondering if you'd considered St. Andrews? They have almost as much prestige as Cambridge or Oxford, and often accept applicants to those universities who didn't get through for whatever reason. It sounds like you'd have a good chance of getting in. As far as future life goes, not everything will fall back on the fact that Cambridge don't have enough common sense to give their place to a promising candidate such as yourself.

    And for what it's worth, you're really not missing out on much as far as the actual city goes :tongue:
     
  20. SoulRiser

    SoulRiser Well-Known Member

    You're not a failure. You've been placing too much worth on your grades (which I don't really blame you for, since I guess it's nice to have something to hold on to when everything else is going crazy)... the thing is... grades are just grades. They don't say anything about your intelligence or your worth as a person.

    Sadly, this is pretty normal. Most schools don't really appreciate any of their students. Which is ironic considering that without students, there would be no school in the first place. If it was optional, lots of students would just leave rather than put up with that sort of disrespectful treatment. That's why it's compulsory ;P

    What's your definition of "successful"? Do you want to be in medicine because you enjoy helping people, or because it tends to pay well? If it's "both"... then decide which one is more important.

    There are other places to get the same qualifications. Getting into a good university is nice for show, but it doesn't matter as much as whether or not you end up being good at what you do. Once the qualification race is over, that will be all that matters, and everyone will likely have forgotten all about school and university.

    ... What a bastard. Though it's pretty scary that bad grades would give your dad a heart attack.
     
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