I was wondering if anyone here could straighten out my thoughts. I have not had a hard life, not in the very least. My parents are pretty rich and together. They never treated me harshly and have always loved me. I just can’t seem to be genuinely happy for more that very small fits. I have trouble expressing my emotions so if some of this seems like its rambling please bear with me. I can count the number of friends that I have had with my fingers, and only one of them hasn’t completely stabbed me in the back, but he hasn’t talked to me in three weeks so he might not be my friend anymore. The rest have used me for my money and the fact that I was desperate enough for a friend that I would do anything. Hell, one of them even broke into my car and stole my shit. I’ve never been socialable. I am extremely intraverted. I had no friends from when I was 8 until I was 16, and when I was 16 I got my first girlfriend and she was my only friend. I’ve sort of lived a two faced life. Whenever I’m around my parents or at work, I shove anything I am feeling into a ball and pretend it doesn’t exist so that no one knows something might be wrong. Hell, that’s how I’ve delt with all my depression(which started when I was 10 or 11). I’m 24 and I’ve had three girlfriends, but the first wouldn’t have sex during our three year relationship but decided to have sex with this one guy and subsiquently dumped me for him. The second dumped me when I really needed someone because I fucked up and got arrested. The third I used mainly for sex. She really loved me but all I did was abused her love. I am horrably ashamed about what I’ve done to her. When I was younger(10 to 20ish) I would have these almost invulentary day dreams about killing myself or being killed. Right now my life has completely stalled out. I’ve dropped out of college from a lack of motavation(Hell, I have no motavation to do literally anything). During my teenage years I wanted to commite suicide but didn’t, because I believed what everyone said, that eventually life does get better. But it hasn’t. I still can’t make and don’t have any friends. I can’t talk to women, literally. When a girl tries to talk to me I ignore them. At work, if I am talking to someone and a girl joins the conversation, I stop talking. I used to have huge fits of uncontrollable crying, but now I find I can’t cry anymore, not even when my grandparents died(which I don’t think my mom has forgiven me for not crying). In the last four years, I find that I am rarely happy. I’ve decided that I really don’t want to live anymore. I just don’t see any point in making the effort to live. I would probably already be dead if I had the balls to kill myself, or if it wouldn’t make my mom more depressed than she already is, and right now she’s depressed because of me. I’m just afraid that one day I will get too drunk and kill myself, or if I don’t, I will slowly become more of a cynical asshole, which I would rather die than turn into. I’m not sure why I am posting here, nor do I know what I am expecting anyone to say. Maybe I just want someone to make me believe again that it will get better. I’m sorry if I’ve wasted anyones time.