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18 and I have more than many but feel like I have nothing.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ruby18incrisis, Mar 1, 2013.

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  1. Hello,
    This is a new experience for me posting on a website like this. I dont know if this will help me or make me feel different about anything at all but I think its just useful to share my story with others in case it relates to anyone else and helps them to not feel so alone.

    Im eighteen years old and I am currently studying to be a paediatric nurse :) My Childhood years have been an up and down rollercoaster of pain, rejection depression and confusion. Im adopted , I was adopted at the age of fourteen months so mum was mum and dad was dad and my two brothers were my brothers, even though thiers no blood relationship. Ive always know that I was adopted but ive never know the details surrounding it precisely til my eighteenth birthday. My relationship with my adoptive family has always been a shambles. MY mum has a superiority complex and has been abusive towards me both physically and mentally. The abuse started when I was old enough to remember first a few slaps then escalated into bigger more psychological abuse such as eating my food off the floor in a dog bowl and eating my own vomit and being forced to bath in very cold water. My dad turned a blind eye to the abuse and I felt like I couldnt split up the only family I have. Bed time was nine o clock latest when i was 17 , it increased every hour with each year that i grew up. I never saw my friends outside of school. I went to a girls school and was bullied relentlessly for having red hair and being very quiet. There was no safe haven except in reading. I would read up to twenty books in three days and lose myself in my studies. I managed to leave year eleven with 6a's two a*s three BS and a C, an impressive result . At the age of fourteen I began dating a guy who was 19 but I didnt know this at the time. After a relationship that wasnt really a relationship, more of a childish infatuation in which I never ever saw him except for a handful of times, he passed away. He had a form of HIV after being a drug user since the age of 10- something else my naive mind didnt realise. After he passed away I started to sneak out of the house and go to parties in poor parts of my city. Bad scenes- but i didnt care. I loved the thrill and adrenaline of escaping my mums strict regime and abuse. After losing my kind of boyfriend at a tender age I was confused about so many things. I managed to get myself into a situation at one of these parties where I was gang raped by four older thugs. I was spiked before hand- I cant bring myself to go into detail about this part. I dont want any judgements, no i didnt want it no i didnt enjoy it and yes i did struggle. Find it hard to believe if you like. After that I secluded into a shell of darkness which I didnt really come out of . Self harming became the way forward. anything that caused harm to me or put me in a dangerous situation was apealing. I have had counselling . Outreach. Nothing helps. I started sixth form at a new school a mixed one and for the next two years enjoyed my life after finding solace in my new best friend. She accepted me for my wierdness and seemed like she genuinely cared. In my first year of sixth form I lost my grandmother, the only woman who stood up for me against my mum. I was devestated. The depression came back. Exams were failed motivation lost. I smoked, any cigs i could get my hands on . Stole money from my mums change pot to get them from the older year. ANthing I wasnt allowed to do I would do as soon as I got the chance. In my second year of sixth form I went through two break ups with two immature boys who were simply flings. Then I met my boyfriend who I am still currently with, our year anniversary is in a week. He was my world. He turned it upside down. He was half hour train away from me so we met up every week after work. My mum was still strict with regime and what time to be home but he accepted that . I confided in him about everything and he understood. This year has been one of the best years of my life but now my relationship is falling apart. He lives with me now and we argue all the time about stupid things he has his issues i have mine. We smoke cannabis every single day- it chases the shadows away. He keeps talking like he will defo be leaving me in the summer- I cant live without him. I cant lose someone else. He has kept me together, given me so much love and confidence yet we are not healthy for each other but we can also be beautiful together. I wil not be able to cope without him there is absoloutely no way. Im falling apart. Im a rape victim an abuse victim and yet an intelligent young woman with a place at one of the best universities in the world studying a rewarding course: and Im messing that up to. I have no motivation i just want to spend all my time with my love because i may not have much time left.

    If this has helped anyone at all that would just bring a smile to my face today. Im not looking for sympathy or "hugs" or whatever, i dont know you you dont know me I just want help and Im here to help anyone else.

    Stay Sweet,
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I just want to say hi and welcome. I hope you find help and support here... I think you'll find others who have faced similar issues and pulled through.
  3. goodbye pork pie hat

    goodbye pork pie hat Active Member

    I also want to say welcome and I hear you, and I hope you find support and kindness here to influence your day-to-day.
  4. f5j23jk2

    f5j23jk2 Well-Known Member

    You need to ask for help from someone near you, an hospital or institution, i'm not sure where or who, but you need to recover from all those bad experiences and feelings, you can't continue to be like that.:dispirited:
  5. Cpt-Fantastic

    Cpt-Fantastic Banned Member

    Hang in there hun, you are on the right path. Just keep on going forward and in a few years you will be a wonderful nurse and show everyone.

    P.S. Staying sweet implied I ever was sweet..
  6. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    Hi, very interesting life experiences. It sounds like you have a great deal of trauma to work through and obviously a good psycho therapist would help enourmously. Another thing that you might find useful is reading up on something called RAD Reactive attachement disorder. One last thing I have to offer is your parents behaviour model is something you have unfortunately picked up and are now in the process of confronting and modifing, this is something that takes a lot of conscience effort, to be aware when it's manifesting. Your dependency on others and various substances are all tied up with this all, as I'm sure your well aware of. Go gently and I wish you all the very best, use your intelliegence and wisdom to reach out and help others in need.
  7. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi Ruby. I think there may be many others here who have been through lots, as have you. I can hear your strength and also your pain. Whenever anyone talks about challenges while going to school I always wonder if there is a school counsellor you can go to. I do know what things are like where you live. But if things are effecting school, perhaps you could talk with a school counseller. I respect your strength and perseverance. And hope you will continue to post often. Making this a place where you can come for great support if you choose
  8. thankyou so much I hope that sharing my experience will help others. I hope that it hasnt offended anyone or upset anyone. :)
  9. Thats very kind of you thank you
  10. Luscarion

    Luscarion Member

    Hey there Ruby. Lovely name. It sounds like you've taken the tour through hell several times. I'm sorry to hear that. It's hard to find motivation when life doesn't seem to be picking up. However, the fact that you're still continuing to work for your future despite your lack of motivation shows how impressively strong you are. This pill may be hard to swallow, but relationships will come and go. It's one of the downsides of being human. Just keep up doing well in class, Ruby. It'll be its own reward to you.

    Much love from the states,
  11. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Ok - So now you're 18. From the description of schooling, sounds like you're in the UK.

    You are an adult and responsible for yourself and your choices. Anything you do will not come back on anyone else. However, as much as the "family" that took you in are the only one you've had, they've not exactly shown compassion and love towards you. This might be why at the age of 14 you found infatuations with people older because you wanted that connection.

    I also think that the combination of smoking cannabis daily, and the lack of motivation, are linked in some way. Most drugs, particularly illegal substances, actively worsen levels of depression. I'd recommend not trying to bury your head in the sand regarding this and actively partake in seeking professional help. It is out there.

    Anyone who claims they can't live without a person when they are having this daily influx of cannabis, is trying to find a logical reason to an illogical choice. To say 'I will not cope' is like saying 'I don't want to try'. Personally, I find that a little bit more unlikely to be a full truth. But while you're on the drugs, you may not make the most informed of decisions regarding your own life. It might seem like I am not being quite so nice, but smoking is a personalised choice, no-one controls you putting your hand to your mouth but you. There is a chance for you controlling these actions, but I would really consider counselling. If your boyfriend is doing these drugs too, is he really the right person for you? Or is he just as controlling because you are a lot more sensitive to the rejection side of things that you would give anything to stay with rather than help yourself make the most of the impending possibilities. I never went to university, so I am not really as 'academically intellectual'.

    Yes you deserve to have the chance of happiness. But wouldn't it be better if that person didn't drag you down at the same time as helping you?
  12. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

  13. I am doing well indeed have recieved a first for three assesments recently which is a bit of positive news! thank you very much i feel weak though not strong.
    Thanks armando take care
  14. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    That's amazing given the daily cannabis use you told us about.
  15. Yes it is amazing, im proud of myself. Are you actively trying to put me down?
  16. Flowers- im not proud of it and ive actually been clean for a week theodora .
  17. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    welcome to the forum :)

    i just wanna say thank you for sharing your story to the forum it must been very tough for you right now.
    are you getting support for what you going through? is your uni aware of current problems?
  18. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    sorry, I didnt realize that I did 2 posts. please read the one below
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 17, 2013
  19. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I want to make sure you know I was not judging. How could I when I used to smoke pot all the time. I am very happy to hear that you are doing well in school. Congrats. You are a strong person. thats for sure
  20. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    If u ever wanna chat my pm box is open
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