18 months and counting

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Weezaxx, Oct 17, 2010.

  1. Weezaxx

    Weezaxx Member

    I am not sure if this is the best place to write about my last 18 months, but I thought I had to just get it out because if I don’t, then I don’t know what will happen next.

    In January 2009 I was sat with my uncle as he died from cancer. Although I knew what was going to happen after watching him suffer, I didn’t expect to be there and because I felt I had grieved prior to this, I thought my ‘hard-faced’ exterior was ‘normal’. A week before he died, he whispered in my ear “take care of yourself”. Little did my uncle know what I was doing 4 weeks later.

    In February 2009 I had weight loss surgery. I weighed 34 stone/215 kilos and was 29 years old. I was happy as I was but was told I had PCOS (Poly cystic ovaries syndrome) and that for myself and my husband to conceive, it would help if I lost weight. I had a gastric sleeve and was left with a drinking straw-like shape stomach. After this I was ill for a good few months, and because of this, I failed to grieve for my Uncle.

    During my time off work, my employer failed to pay me saying I wasn’t entitled to sick pay. I disagreed and took out a grievance against them and won. I went back to work 3 months later.

    In the November 2009 my work contract ended. I was on a fixed contract working for a charity and was promised that once funding had be found, they would contact me, and though I would need to re-apply for my job, that it would be mine. This was a relief. Thankfully my husband was earning enough money for us to survive so there was no pressure.

    At the end of November, my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer. This shook my world, but I couldn’t show it. I was due to go on holiday with my husband and best friends but felt like I couldn’t go … but I did.
    When December came, my holiday came and went and I did enjoy it. I got to my parents home to be sat down. My sister was there and said she had something to tell us. My sister is 3 years older than me and has a mild learning difficulty. She was in a relationship with someone I hated, and had done since day 1. There was just something about him. My sister informed me she was pregnant. Again, my world collapsed as I felt it should have been me. I cried my heart out alone, and couldn’t tell anyone how I was feeling.

    January 2010 – a New Year, and a new start … right? WRONG.
    I heard through an old work colleague that funding had become available for my work position, and that it was going to be advertised. I didn’t know why my manager hadn’t told me, so I emailed my manager asking for the application form. I never heard back … never received the application form … and never got the job. I felt like a failure! I couldn’t tell anyone in my family how I felt, and couldn’t even tell them that the job had become available. I now believe this is the point where my world started to crumble, and I began to spiral out of control. I became withdrawn and didn’t want to talk to anyone.

    I went onto websites that I used and began talking to this guy. I found him good looking and we had some similar things in common. He never asked if I was in a relationship, so I never told him. We became really friendly and, as stupid as it sounds, had online movie dates and online lunch dates. He lived the other side of the UK so this was the only way. Before I knew it, I had agreed to meet him. As I had never been away from my husband alone, I made arrangements to meet a friend who had moved closer to me, and I would meet this guy and we would go together.

    At the end of March, I met the guy, and we went to see my friend … who by no co-incidence made no contact so we had the whole night together. We chatted and had a laugh, and got drunk … and the inevitable happened – we slept together, and it felt good.

    I was wracked with guilt but still continued to see this guy. The pressure of this guy not knowing my situation got to me, so one bank holiday Monday, I rang him and told him. He previously told me that he would never sleep with someone else’s partner, so this to me, was a way out of what I had done. After telling him, he vanished for a few days, but came back and told me he loved me. I was caught in the moment.

    In the April, I went to Amsterdam with my best friends and my husband. While we were there, my husband tried to talk to me about things cause he had seen that I had changed. As much as I wanted to tell him, it wasn’t the perfect timing so I told him that and that the conversation would continue when we got back home … this didn’t happen.

    As time went on, more excuses to get away and I found myself in the other guys area in Plymouth, Devon. I lived in London. It was at this point my husband decided to surprise me by coming to meet me after my ‘viewing of a university’ but when he went through my email account to get the address where I was staying, he found what he needed. The emails showing that I was sleeping with another guy.

    There was no way I could stay with my husband from that point. I loved him totally, but I could hear and see how much I hurt him … and felt he would be better off without me. I wanted to work through things, but when I opened my mouth, there I was telling my husband that it was the other guy I wanted … and there it was … I had left my husband without wanting to, and was dating a guy who lived 5 hours away.

    Weeks went on, and this guy asked me to move in with him … although it was exciting, it wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted my husband to turn around and tell me he loved me and that we could work our way through things … this didn’t happen.

    I stayed in contact with my husband dropping hints that I wanted him back, but he never picked up on them. The day before I was due to move, I received an email from him telling me not to move because he felt it was the wrong choice for me. This was enough for me! The other guy had already had doubts and told me he didn’t love me, but that was nothing anymore … I rang my husband and told him I wasn’t going and that I loved him … and here we are now. 2 months later, I am stuck in limbo with my husband unaware of what he wants. This is what is killing me the most!

    I try to hold onto every last bit of hope. He has asked me to the cinema and dinner, but in the same breath, he tells me he doesn’t know how he feels for me anymore and says we are just friends.

    It is so confusing and I am so lost.

    People would think that my story was bad enough … but I have to back track to July now. Because of my sister’s epilepsy and mild learning difficulty, social services were called in as a referral due to her pregnancy. It was then we found out that the guy, who I had my suspicions about was a schedule 1 offender … AKA a paedophile!!! Because his offences were before the sexual registered offenders list came out, and as he has never been caught since, he isn’t on it, and they can’t charge him with anything. He has now gone AWOL, and if I ever see him, then I can’t forgive my actions. My sister had her baby early, but the baby is now 3 months old and healthy and my sister is doing well.

    I feel lost, confused, suicidal and like my life is on hold at the moment
    I have to keep on telling myself that this is not just a story but this is my life – and life should be about living … but I wish I felt like this. Night time is my worst time as I lie awake crying till 3 or 4am.

    I have no one to talk too as everyone is more concerned with my sister and the baby – and I tried to talk to them, but it always ends back on them.

    On a good note, my dad's cancer is not life threatening. I have lost 12.5 stone and I don't actually have poly cystic ovaries - but I feel shit still