Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Est, Jun 5, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Est

    Est Guest

    So here I am. Banned from SF for 4 days.
    I had it coming, definitely. Staff has been really patient with me, even, I guess...

    Sigh. I don't know what's gotten into me the last days. The past week I've been so.... not myself. Well I have been myself, but I've been losing my temper extremely quickly, as well as being zoned out/not really there with my mind half the time.

    In chat I've always been annoying, I know that, I just can't act normal so it seems. But also there, the last days... Provoking things, arguing, spamming emotes and stuff... Still I can't help but feel like I'm being treated unfair in there. It's like people are plotting against me. Perhaps it's me being overly paranoid (which I've been eversince sf got hacked), but maybe it really is true. Because honestly I feel that whenever I do or say something I get warned/kicked/banned way quicker/easier than others. But then again, even if that indeed is the case, I deserve it so why am I complaining. Sigh. I shouldn't complain, I shouldn't even write this thread. Yet I'm doing it. And why? God knows... lol.

    Some of the people here who know me, know that I have this major thing about guilt and being undeserving of anything. They know how much I feel I do not deserve love, support, friendship etc etc. Well the last days it's gotten even worse. I will be honest here: it's one of the reasons why I misbehaved so much in chat the last week. Not entirely, but I was even worse than I actually was, because I noticed it'd get me banned from chat. And since chat is like... well I wouldnt know what to do without it, so I figured, 'get yourself banned from it permanently, it's what you deserve'. Well it didn't work permanently, but I did manage to get banned for the night a few times.
    I don't mean to be a pain in the arse to staff or anyone from the forum, I just want everyone to be happy, or at least as happy as can be.

    What has been happening to me the past days.. It's really weird. I have always had a lot of anger inside me, can't remember any different. But the last days it's gotten really scary. I try to hold it in, because I know I get in trouble in chat if I don't hold it in. So I try to hold it in, but I then get really really annoying in chat, pushing all the limits and that, logically, results in me being banned from that. Which is when I can't control the anger anymore. So then I end up posting all over Let It All Out and the Coffeehouse, full of rage. My dad and I myself usually being the target of all the rage and anger and vomit of swearings... Sigh.

    I'm so sick of myself like this :sad:
    I'm so sick of hurting everyone around me :sad:
    I'm so sick of hurting myself

    What's the point in this damn post? I don't even remember what I started this with.
  2. Est

    Est Guest

    Apologies to everyone who's been putting up with me the way I've been the last week or so. :sad:
    SF Staff and Chat Monitors, everyone in chat. :sad:

    And thank you to the people who were there for me despite my behaviour :hug:
    Jess, Alex and Rae in particular, thank you for Spikeyspike with me, even at my worst moments. :wub:

    So yes, today I should receive a call from the people from daytime therapy to make some arrangements and such, and I guess that then tomorrow therapy will start really. Sigh maybe that's also part why I've been behaving like that. sigh. I dont know. I'm lost. :sad:
  3. Est :eek: :hug: :hug: always love you hun. Take some time out to chill a bit - you may then be able to come back after these days feeling better. You know where I am if you need me :hug:
  4. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni


    Here if you want to talk hun :)
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You know where I am ester if you need an ear to listen. I am sorry things had to get to the point they did. Take this time to chill and you will be welcomed back with open arms. I'll be waiting for you. Take care hun. :hug:
  6. Will

    Will Staff Alumni

    Hi Ester....

    Yeah, I see what you mean by that underserving type of personality. That's why I've stopped posting my feelings as well. Because by the end of the post, i feel like I should've never posted it.

    You've been alright, I think just somethings have been screwy lately. I was worse in chat:dry:, then I passed out on the couch and woke at 2am. It's 5:30 right now, and I'm just trying to relax a little.

    Thinking of you.
  7. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Good, step in the right direction.
  8. sarahg

    sarahg Well-Known Member

    hey u
    will call u 2morrow about ur therapy so go ok
    here ok
  9. Just had the call from the psychotherapist.

    I will start on Monday. And I'm not the only one starting then, so that makes it a little less scary for me.
    Also on June 19th I will have a psychiatric review. To see if I have a mental illness and if medication could help me.

    And yeh. well. I'm not gonna post anything else about me anymore. I've been banned for a reason. So I'm not gonna post anonymously either.

    Take Care, everyone...
  10. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Take care Est, and stay safe :hug:.

    See you back here soon :arms:

    ~Nobody~ x x x
  11. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member


    I hope that you get the help that you need and deserve. I think taht it will help you in the long run whether you think it's deserving or not.

    As far as the being paranoid and thinking you are being treated unfairly I dont think that you are being treated unfairly. Est over the past week you have been out of it, you have been warned so many times over the past few days of the spamming etc...yet you continued to do it. Last night after everything, and after the warnings, you provoked Bunny into kicking you or banning you and you basically got what you asked for whether you "knew" what you were doing. I'm sorry that it turned out that way maybe with the 4 days off you shoud work on you and figuring out why things have spiralled so out of control

    best of luck
  12. Just_a_guy

    Just_a_guy Well-Known Member

    Ishy when you coming back? :cry:
  13. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Tomorrow, I believe, she'll be unbanned :)
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.