18th birthday alone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pither, Jan 13, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. pither

    pither Well-Known Member

    I've hit the bottom. I'm a pathetic loser. I have no reason to stay in this shit hole of a world. I'm turning 18 this month. I have nothing to show for it and I'd really rather be dead than spend it alone. I hate living, so why should I?
  2. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    aww :hug: I'm sorry you feel that way...

    I can relate I just turned 27 today and I'm alone...well in real life but here there are alot of caring and kind people...not the same but it does help a little...

    if you need to talk, you can pm me
  3. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    I can really relate, my I was just alone on my 18th birthday less then 2 years ago.

    Listen to me dude, thinking about it only makes it worse. I know you can't just magically make friends in less then a month but sulking makes you feel like shit. It makes you depressed in the long-run and no one likes depression because it = suffering.

    What did you do on your birthday last year? And before? If you are just alone with your parents, try to say to yourself, this marks the beggining of my changing. And then once all the birthday krap with your parents is done try to treat it just like any other day. Pre-occupy yourself and when its over, you can think about how you want to become an adult, what to do with your life even if your already accepted into a college and know what career, I mean think about who you are, and what type of freinds made you happy, and how would you go about making them?
  4. pither

    pither Well-Known Member

    MY life fucking SUCKS. I just got my permit after putting it off for years because I terrified of driving. I have one true friend outside of my family and he's so imersed in the life his parents force him to lead he doesn't have time to come visit me even on my brithday. The last several years have been okay, I went to movies, went out to dinner, went shopping, got my nose peirced. All wonderful ways to celebrate another year that I managed not to hang myself in the garage or take the costco sized bottle of pain killers. But I'm turing 18, I'm supposed to be having a blast and thinking about collage and driving around with all my friends doing god know what.

    But I'm not. We just moved out to the middle of hick country an hour away from our lives because of a stupid house fire. We had to move in with our Aunt and Uncle on the family farm. I know nobody but annoying, pretend to give a shit family. I spend all day alone, trying to avoid my asshole father and my bossy perfectionist Aunt. This is a nightmare, a real living nightmare.

    Last year I had thought I had it bad, but I had no idea it could get this much worse. Three of my four siblings are going away on the weekend of my birthday, my best friend is too busy to come see me, and my dad said that "we'll try to make it fun Em".

    I feel like such a loser, such a waste of life. I really just want it all to be over, I'm done trying to pretend to be happy. I'm tired of being fake.
  5. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry...when I was in foster care the house I was in burned down...we lost everything and had to move in another home that was abusive so...it is hard to start again...

    can you ask your siblings to leave after your birthday or stay with you a little while before leaving?

    do you have any hobby you can occupy yourself with? music, reading, drawing or watching movies?

    I dont think you're a loser, just surviving to the new events...it will take some time but it will get better...

    meanwhile you can keep talking to us, we'll listen and offer as much support as you need :hug:
  6. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    Dude listen to me. I didn't do anything my senior year in high school (or really junior year), and I kept beating myself up, telling myself how shitty it was. Like I missed out on what was supposed 2 be the greatest time of my life. Well its very possible I did miss out on a good time.

    Lots of kids have times where they miss out. Like one kid might not do anything when he was 16, another 17 was the age, mabye another was from age 15-18. My point is, your not the only kid that isn't partying drinking and driving. (Of course no one does D'n'D at the same time mind you!

    I'm 20. I don't think about the times I missed. I try to move forward. Look at what I have now and what the hell I can do.

    Are you in school, college, work?

    If not in college are you going? Did you take the SAT's?
  7. pither

    pither Well-Known Member

    MY dream for years has been to go to art school or become a full time author, but honestly I destroyed any future for myself last year when I did doodley shit but mope around because of my depression.

    I don't want to be alone. I'm so sick of being alone or fighting to have to have my only friend around me. And now that I live an hour away from him it'll be a fucking miracle if I ever get to see him.
    My mom is always telling me I'm talented and friendly and I just have to put myself out there. First of all it's a crock of bull and secondly why should I? Look at what that's gotten me. I don't want to be disappointed or hurt anymore but at the same time I want to be happy. Is that the point?

    I guess it's just a cycle. Go out- meet people- make firends with said people- do okay for awhile- said friends turn out to be dicks- alone- repeat.

    Excellent. Great. That's just how I want to live my life.

    And if that doesn't just tickle me enough I'm in a whole new playing field. I don't fit with these people. I get the once over and a snear. These people are Republican farmer's who never miss church and toss holy water on anyone who doesn't match up with their views. For christ-sake they have drive yer fucking tractor to school day!

    But I'm stuck here. I have no job since the move and I might as well wait till I'm 18 to find a new one. I can't drive cause I'm a pansy. I'm just stuck here, in this never ending hell hole.

    I mean my life went from pathetic toholy shit yer a loser.

    I can see it now, "Hey I'm Emi, I can't drive, I don't have a job, and my future? Well I flushed it down the toilet with my hopes and dreams last year". Yup, bullet proof introduction.
  8. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    Your a 17 year old male? Dude thats the hardest age 17-18.

    Let me ask you, what kinds of things did you do for fun when you were like 14-16? I'll bet a lot of those activities aren't as fun any more?

    Your brain changes, you change, your becoming an adult. It causes you to think and evaluate things more, and its harder to cope with pain, and its also harder to have a good time until you get acclimated.

    Did you graduate high school? Suppose you did and you totally tanked your high school grades. You think you can't go to college? DUDE GET REAL!

    My high school GPA was like a 2.2 or a C- or D average. After going to college I pulled my grades up at a community college taking general credits, then transferred into a school that has the programs I want (business).

    What community colleges are in your area. They take anyone!! And once you have college grades the schools you apply to won't care much about your high school grades and most probably won't even look at your SAT scores.

    Focus now: What do you do all day? Ideally, what would you like to do all day? Do you want to be a mechanic? A school teacher?

    I didn't graduate high school until I was almost 19!!!!!! And I started college at age 19!!! You are what 17!? So it looks like you will have an edge on me!

    I think that if you focus on going back to school (even if its for a trade job) you can try and make friends there and try an hang out with the old friends you do have when school is out or during breaks.

    Community colleges are cheap. If money is a trouble you can always get a job.

    I myself am depressed and the one thing I had two years ago when I was in high school was physical fittness. So I'm getting a manual labor job in the summer. Were you ever in sports, or in shape? Think about it dude, it makes you feel 10x better, esp because I think its what someone with your personality needs.
  9. pither

    pither Well-Known Member

    Oh my god, I got people thinking I'm a dude now too. Nope, not a male. I'll be 18 by the end of the month and done with school by March most likely. Being home schooled most of yer life has advantages.

    I know what my options are. I am a smart person and a crackin' good writer. If you look at my grades in the passed four years you can immediately see what my talents are. I just have let my depression and my anxiety rule my life and therefore things began slipping from me. I know that if I take writing classes or go to an Art school I'll do well. But I don't, I don't move or try or care.

    It's dealing with humanity that worries and depresses me. People are made for disappointment. They're made to take it and to deal it. I lost interest in dealing with people awhile back when I tried "putting myself out there" and got stabbed in the back as a result. That's why I'm so confused by my loneliness. I don't want to rely on just one friend for everything anymore because it's turning out to be worse than I had thought. I figured if I put everything in to one person, one friend that's truly and honestly there for me, I'll be happy as a clam. Wrong.

    When that one friend cancels or isn't available or doesn't talk to me for a few days it affects me more than it should because that's my only outlet. I've trapped myself because I won't push passed my anxiety and depression and fucking DO anything.

    I am a friendly person and I'm REALLY good at pretending to be happy. Making friends has never been a problem, it's keeping them that seems to be the impossible. I struggle with the "firsts". First day on the job, first day of class, first time driving. My anxiety clouds what I want to do so I just don't do it and I let it build and build until it terrifies me.

    Thus, I'm pathetic because I can't even handle normal everyday activities and emotions. It's just too much for me and that is my down fall.
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    wow 17 wish icould be where you are but know truly know how hard it is. I didn't celebrate any of my birthdays loner for ever. Your dad said he will try for you good for him. Why not sign yourself up for a course at college in writing for your 18 birthday do that. Another thing do something out of the ordinary you have always wanted to do. Go sky diving get pictures bring excitement to you.
    It is so hard being your age but by going to college enrolling in some classes you will find new people with your same interest. take care
  11. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    18, 19, 30, 55, they are all just numbers.

    As for accomplishments, well they only hold worth in the eyes of the beholder. My father thinks I wasted my high school life because I was not out trying to mate with anything with a vagina. Do not define yourself by what others see as accomplishments. Find your own accomplishments.

    Personally I prefer to pretend I don't have a birthday. Stupid annoying day where people lie to your face and tell you that something worth while happened on that day.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.