19, I have a secret, and I'm suicidal and depressed over it.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ZigmondRoy, Oct 3, 2012.

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  1. ZigmondRoy

    ZigmondRoy New Member

    I really don't mean to sound whiny, but I hate living on this planet. I want to disappear and never come back. I wasn't meant to be here.
    I fantasize about suicide daily, and today had an urge to begin planning.
    I'm a homosexual. I've realized that's never going to change. I've known since I was 7. I don't want to have to deal with spending a lifetime hiding and lying. Pretending I'm okay when I'm not. My parents would be so upset and hate me if they knew and I would cause the family endless shame. I feel like everyone would hate me. I'm a burden to them and to to this world in which I don't belong. I feel I have no future, no hope. The only time I'm happy is when I sleep. Just die and it would all be over, painlessly (I've had enough pain already). I have no friends either. No one to talk to about my death wish with. I've never really had friends before.
    The other day someone told me how gays are not better than murderers because of HIV/AIDS, and I suggested to him I might be gay. He responded saying he hopes I die of AIDS. To feel hated by so many for something I am is the worst feeling I've ever had. So I feel I'm left with but one option, take my own life. I would be better off and so too would the world. Death seems rational to me. Why can't I just leave this horrible place?
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    There are many ignorant people in the world. Unfortunately there always will be - it is the nature of weak insecure people to try to belittle others for whatever reason they can find to try to make themselves feel better.
    For help and support dealing with suicidal thoughts and ideas - everybody here either has them now or has in the past (99.987% at least). We all have our own ways that we try to cope with those feelings and when our ways do not work we turn to others here for help and support.

    We also have a forum devoted to sexaul orientation and relationships. You could likely find a good number of members that have dealt with what you are dealing with in that area and that could help by providing support or advice on how they dealt with those things. I can't really say a great deal to it, I will not pretend to understand the difficulty and pain of the situation you are in but I do know for certain it is unfair for you to be put in a situation where you feel you can not be who you are.I am a parent and have 4 children and can say 100% certainty that it would in no way change the way I felt about my children ....

    Take Care and Be Safe

  3. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I am not totally sure what to say. But being transgender and pansexual myself, it is not wrong in my opinion. There are even many animal species where a great number are homosexual. It just isn't talked about. I have been to a youth LGBTQ center (lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, transgender, questioning) in my area and at times it helps to know you aren't alone, as well as to learn a lot more about sexuality and gender identity and a lot fo other interesting information. Might be good if you can find some support like that idk.

    There are many people with AIDS and HIV. Being gay does not automatically cause you to have it or spread it. Even heterosexual people can contract such diseases. The best thing anyone can do is use protection. Be it in hetero or homo contact.

    One of the things myself that contributed to my suicidality was also knowing my gender identity and sexuality since I was a child. Anyway, I just wanted you to know you aren't alone and my PM inbox is always open.
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