19, Transsexual and suicidal

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DeniseAfterAll, Oct 12, 2012.

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  1. Hi everyone,

    I thought I'd write a bit on recent suicidal feelings from the point of a male-to-female transsexual.

    I'm 19 and have run away from home more than 3 weeks ago with the help of friends, living in a caravan. I've been enjoying freedom since, wearing all the make-up and dresses I felt like wearing in public and going out with friends.

    This week, however, everything changed. I lost a large chunk of confidence after coming to the conclusion that people weren't even seeing me as a transsexual, let alone a woman - Given that people didn't even question my gender as I interacted with the public. I know it's gonna sound pathetic, and it is a unique kind of sorrow that very few would ever know of.. but I felt deeply insulted and wounded the moment I walked into a bank and spoke to the man at the customer service, who was quick to call me 'Mate' and 'Bud' even while I was dressed in the most fashionable outfit including a dress and makeup.

    I spent the whole day (and the next day) doing nothing but crying myself to the point of headaches and dryness in my eyes. I wouldn't be able to sleep, half dreaming.. seeing imagery of my facial bone structures floating across the ceiling, resembling the photo shots that I sent to a Facial feminization clinic (who told me they'd get back to me in 10 days with the pricing quotation). I would also hear motorcycle and train noises. They were speaking to me, mocking my existence. The pain was incinerating the inside of my ribs. I deleted all my Facebook photos including the account itself, and have since lost in touch with all of my friends. I wouldn't know what to say to them, to be honest.

    I am alone in this. I feel disgusting and less than human. I feel like a man in a dress living in a trailer. I want to die.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 12, 2012
  2. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I don't know if you know, but in england female call their friends MATE too...so it's a genderless word...as for bud...that could be interpreted as male...

    aww..I'm sorry that you felt that way, don't give up though...if being a woman makes you happy and feels natural, who cares what others think. As you come more and more into yourself, you will attract people who will love you just the way you are...the others will fade away....so please cheer up :) give yourself a break too...you're human after all
     
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