I've never posted before but been a member for a while. I'm 19 years old and I've been diagnosed with multiple mental health disorders in my life, but it all began when I was 16, and has realistically been up and down since then. I have had to go to hospitals and wards since I was 16 also. I'm depressed I guess. I pine to open up to people but when I do decide to confide in them I always end up regretting it as they always end up seeing me in a different light. I have attempted suicide multiple times with the majority of them not having lethal intent. On two or three occasions I really did wish to die. The most recent time was in December and I had to go to the emergency room in an ambulance. I fantasize about dying a lot, and it seems to be the only thing that I derive pleasure from. I feel lonely a lot, and my main aspiration in life is to get a girlfriend as pathetic as that sounds. I'm a fairly ugly guy and I can be quite awkward. When my friends tell me that it takes some people more time for that chapter of their life to open I always find myself wondering why do I have to wait? The conclusion that I have come to is that I most have some inherent social, emotional or physical defect. I know that this may sound pessimistic and I've undergone CBT and I am aware of my thought patters and have tried to alter them; however, I think there comes a time when we have to acknowledge our defects and our strengths. And maybe I'm not destined for something like that. But I'm filled with envy when I hear my friends discussing the intimate details of their sexual conquests, and I also feel incredibly alienated and inadequate. And it's not that my friends are bad people and that the relationships are superficial and based entirely on lust. Most of them have emotional connections with the people they are seeing. They have fun, intimacy and openness. This is something that I most certainly pine for as I said; I long for someone to confide in. But it never seems to occur and my patience is wearing thin. Every women I try to befriend has no attraction to me. And you may say to me 'well you don't try hard enough'. But I honestly do. I go out a lot and have tried not to spend my time ruminating but it doesn't work. I feel that my friends are just so lucky and my frigidity and virginity make me pathetic. I don't know. Ending my own life is what I think about when I lye in bed. A friend of mine from the hospital jumped off a bridge a year back, and there have also been allegations of molestation on the part of a child minder but I'm not sure if it occurred. I don't think that this forum 'will help me much with no offense intended towards all of ye it's just I have undergone a lot of varying treatments since I was young. Thank you very much for reading, I appreciate any feedback.